May 21 2009

Here is Gone

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It is fascinating that for the past two weeks I’ve been waking up with very intense songs in my head. I usually don’t hear music until I get in the car. I guess, when I am sad or emotional, music comes to me instead to pull it all out of me – for better or worse.

Today: Here is Gone by the Goo Goo Dolls

You and I got somethin
But its all and then its nuthin to me, yeah
And I got my defenses
When it comes through your intentions for me, yeah

And we wake up in the breakdown
With the things we never thought we could be, yeah

Im not the one who broke you
Im not the one you should fear
We got to move you darlin
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

I am no solution
To the sound of this pollution in me, yeah
And I was not the answer
So forget you ever thought it was me, yeah

Im not the one who broke you
Im not the one you should fear
We got to move you darlin
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

And I dont need the fallout
Of all the past thats in between us
And Im not holding on
And all your lies werent enough to keep me here

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling

I know its out there
I know its out there
And I can feel you falling

I know its out there
I know its out there
Somehow here is gone, yeah

I know its out there
I know its out there
Somehow here is gone, yeah

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May 20 2009

Time to Shine

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Pink Floyd – Shine On You Crazy Diamond

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.

Now there’s a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.

You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom,
blown on the steel breeze.

Come on you target for faraway laughter,
come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!

You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.

Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.

Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,
rode on the steel breeze.

Come on you raver, you seer of visions,
come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!

=================================

I believe I will come out of the darkness shining brightly. I will be the one smiling. I will be the one who’s happy. I just also wish I could have my time back. I feel so much older now than I ever felt before. I do not feel damaged though… just aged. Still, I will shine. I will shine my light forward, leaving everything behind me in absolute darkness. It can rot there… I’m moving on now.

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May 19 2009

Why I Blog…

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Without ever being diagnosed, I grew up with a reading / learning disability. I finally found out about it this December, upon talking to a friend who diagnosis kids for a living. She unofficially diagnosed me, and told me if I were tested now, I’d surely be diagnosed.

Basically, I cannot understand / comprehend what I read without a lot of effort. That effort involves me asking OTHER PEOPLE questions about what I am reading. There are some types of writing, mostly documentary style or written for children, that I can more easily grasp on my own. That’s why I have done well with case study books and children’s books. They follow a more linear direction and recap a lot; or, the plots are just more easy to follow, and if you don’t understand something, you can live without it without ruining the story.

So, knowing this was not enough… as someone who loves psychology, spirituality, and how everything relates to one another, I wanted to know how this affected me on a deeper level.

Turns out, it was the cause of an enormous amount of stress and isolation growing up. As much as people liked me, nobody really “got” me and I always felt a bit lonely. Since high school, I have called it “alone in a crowded elevator” but I didn’t know I was talking about my disability. I thought I was talking about my feelings.

When you have a disorder, you do feel very isolated and require a lot of love and encouragement from others. You require confirmation and them telling you they understand and really do “get” you! The truth is, people don’t easily get us. Many give up on us way too easily! 🙁 I had friends in high school argue with me to the point of exhaustion. They would say things like, “you’re not living in reality,” or “how come you don’t understand what I’m talking about? You’re not stupid! You must just not care!” Man, I’ve had that one quite a few times.

The truth is, being raised by a living angel, I was taught only to love, care, support, nurture, and do it all as selflessly as possible! I always found it amazingly sad that people couldn’t see my true intention.

Over the years, I thought I got better at showing my intention, and showing people who I was and how I worked. Still, some people don’t care enough about you to expend the energy to work with you and understand you. I feel like the world is a pretty selfish place and it makes someone like me feel really isolated from it.

I think break ups are harder for people like me than most people… though we are confident in WHO we are, we need confirmation that others “get” us – which takes effort on their part. When you are abandoned / left by someone because they didn’t put in the energy to see where you are coming from, to really understand you and your intention… you truly feel “given up on.” When someone you love and trust does this to you, it’s much much worse. 🙁

The reason I blog without holding back much is because, for me, I do need to know others are listening and hopefully some of you are “getting” me and understanding me. I need to feel appreciated for who I am and what I am capable of. I basically need to feel that I am not alone – as I have felt for my whole life.

I wish I knew all this growing up. Perhaps, by now, I’d either have learned how to live with it or would have become much more “whatever” about how people think about me. Many people have that ability. To this day, it is NOT something I am even capable of wrapping my head around (about myself). I desperately want people to like me. I DO like myself. I do love myself. I do think I am a great and wonderful person who really tries very hard to go out of her way to make others happy, without sacrificing my own happiness in the process. Still, I want to feel like others like me and would do the same for me.

For people like me, it’s not unhealthy to think this way. It is a condition of a life of insecurity when it comes to communication and understanding. It has nothing to do with personal insecurity, which I do not have any issue with. I am a very confident person. It has everything to do with being understood.

So, I blog to be heard, to have the hope of being understood. As I mentioned above, I like myself plenty… blogging for myself in a private journal doesn’t do shit for me. I blog to the world so that I feel like maybe someone out there will go out of their way to really listen and try to understand me… for the hope of that intimate connection (even if they do not write back or share that they know). I blog to be heard, so that I don’t feel so lonely stuck swimming around my mind. I am not blogging for pity, nor am I blogging to change or manipulate anyone’s feelings. I blog to be understood. Period.

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May 17 2009

Sleepy Time

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It’s 12:43am now, and I had a good weekend. I am very thankful for my wonderful friends who have kept me company on the phone, via text, on IM and in person.

Today, I had a house cleaner come over to help get this place looking good and in order. It feels really good to have a clean apartment! After she left, I edited photos for a bit, fed the kitties, then went up to the Palace to watch The Long Kiss Good-Night. We were waiting for Matt & Stephanie to get there to start it, so we watched Office Space first. It was a very relaxing night… I needed it!

Still, though I had a good weekend, my mind kept wishing I were in Troy for ErinStock / Cracker. Also, throughout the weekend I had a few panic attacks (not very major ones). I am still in shock and still in a state of mourning my dead relationship with John. I’m going through a lot of mood swings. Mostly though, I at a point where I am more angry and upset than sad.

I realized, just today, that instead of giving me the benefit of the doubt, John actually judged me. We have since talked, and he truly believes (looking back) that my personality and actions were all from the heart, honest, and with love.

However, when I look back, I see that he absolutely judged me to be like every other girl – doing something against her wishes and saying she’s fine with it, being controlling, being inflexible. Wow, I am not any of these things. I know that we both agreed that it was silly to think I was, since I only loved him and wanted to be with him. Still, it angers me so much that he held judgment on me when he was supposed to be the one person who would never do that… the one person who was supposed to give me the benefit of the doubt and love and trust me to be real!

I know me well, and I know that I am quite flexible even when I make plans. I love to make plans – plans mean more fun and also they save time and money. As for spontenaity, I never minded for more than a minute if plans fell through. At first, I might have been disappointed, but that never lasted more than a few minutes. Then, I’d think about things and decide what to do… most often, I decided to go with the flow of whatever was going to happen next. I didn’t fight it. I embraced it and made the best of it, willingly… and I always had a great time! I was also very honest about changing my mind if plans changed. I never did anything I didn’t want to do. I either changed my mind or decided not to go. I never pretended to have fun or that I was okay with something I wasn’t! Wow!

I can’t believe he didn’t trust me… he judged me to be this awful person! 🙁 I am very upset about this. I wish I knew he felt this way earlier. I would have had a talk with him about it, because I didn’t deserve that poor treatment. I thought he knew me! Seems like he really didn’t. If that’s the case, who was he claiming to be in love with? It makes me really upset to think that he didn’t give me the energy or effort to really know and appreciate me and all I am capable of. Pisses me off, in fact!

Right now, I’m going to head to bed and cuddle with the kitties. I am so happy to have them in my life! They love me so much, and it makes every day special and wonderful knowing I have their love and can share mine with them!

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May 17 2009

Learning to Fly

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Pink Floyd – Learning to Fly

Into the distance, a ribbon of black
Stretched to the point of no turning back
A flight of fancy on a windswept field
Standing alone my senses reeled
A fatal attraction holding me fast, how
Can I escape this irresistible grasp?
Can’t keep my mind from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted Just an earth-bound misfit, I

Ice is forming on the tips of my wings
Unheeded warnings, I thought I thought of everything
No navigator to find my way home
Unladened, empty and turned to stone
A soul in tension that’s learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try

Can’t keep my mind from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I
Above the planet on a wing and a prayer,
My grubby halo, a vapour trail in the empty air,
Across the clouds I see my shadow fly
Out of the corner of my watering eye
A dream unthreatened by the morning light
Could blow this soul right through the roof of the night

There’s no sensation to compare with this
Suspended animation, A state of bliss
Can’t keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I

=======================

I feel better tonight. I had a really good and helpful talk with Josh, Jul & Matt tonight. I feel that this was the therapy I really needed, and it didn’t cost me $80. I do feel better… more aware of myself and what seems amiss.

After leaving Josh & Jul’s, I went over to Corey & Sara’s. Mike S., Mike D., & Emmett rode with me to The Improv in West Hollywood for Phil Varone’s show. We all sang the Rainbow Connection (along with Kermit) just as we entered Hollywood. 🙂 It made me smile.

The show was good overall. I really liked the comic guitarist best. I think his name was J Chris Newberg. I took a nap on Mike S.’s shoulder during the last act; then, we drove home listening to some good music Mike D. was finding on my ipod. Pink Floyd’s Comfortably Numb came on and I just felt better… it was a rapid turn of emotion from not so good to – well, comfortably numb. After I dropped the three of them back off at Corey & Sara’s, Learning to Fly came on… my mood went up dramatically. I began to think about the fact that I do have really amazing friends and my situation isn’t going to keep breaking me over and over again. I think I am going to begin to heal now.

Especially right now… Dagan is to my left, Sandy is on my lap, Aurora is to my right and Gracie is looking out the window. I am surrounded by love. 🙂

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May 16 2009

Music Invasion

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I love music. It infects me very deeply, too deeply at times. I’m watching VH1’s top 100 of the 90s, and Iris just came on. This song makes me cry even when I’m in a good mood. Man, what emotion music can pull out of people! Green Day is on now. Wow, I have to turn off this countdown! I’m going to head over to Josh & Jul’s now.

Goo Goo Dolls – Iris

And I’d give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t want to miss you tonight

And I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don’t want the world to see me
Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

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May 16 2009

What Did I Expect?

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Today was my 1st therapy session since John left me. It was a rocky start with her office being closed and me having to come back later on since she wasn’t legally allowed to talk to me until I did paperwork.

It’s very hard to type right now. Sandy is cuddling me like mad. She’s so amazing. I don’t know what I’ll do without her. She’s the most loving cat in the world! I can’t imagine not having her in my every day life! 🙁

So, I went home, and crawled back into bed. About an hour later, my therapist called and told me she got into the office and I could come back down.

We started by me telling her my entire life story in under 30 minutes. Wow.. I’ve been through a hell of a lot! I went through some of the most tragic moments of my life with her. I can’t believe those stand out so much. It was so much harder to think of the good memories, until I started thinking about John… all these amazing memories poured out, and with them – tears and pain.

I have certainly had a lot of pain in my life and a lot of tragedy. This break up takes the cake though! I have never felt so sad in my life. I can’t believe what a tragedy our relationship became. It was completely resolvable, but we just didn’t notice what was wrong in time to fix it. Nothing hurts more than knowing how amazing we were and could have been if this problem had been fixed earlier.

At the end of my session, she didn’t really have any advice for me. I asked for exercises, books, something… she said I’m already doing everything right – talking to my support network, going out whether I want to or not, asking for help when I need it, etc. She did give me some book suggestions, so I picked those up. I’ll see if I can get through them. I am a very slow reader.

The ONE thing I got from this session is when we talked about my birth control pill and the guilt I had for taking time and space from John. She said to me, rather quickly, “you know where that guilt comes from, don’t you now?” I didn’t! It was SOOOO unlike me to act that way – to have guilt. She said that guilt is often a symptom of hormonal imbalance. My feelings of guilt were likely caused by moodiness and hormonal imbalance. I wasn’t thinking rationally. I was a freakin’ mess and I had no clue!

I really wish John was more direct with me about his sadness about our issues. I wish I had known about the issues with my pill two years ago! I know that is not the way the Universe’s plans have come about, but why? We could have been so happy! Are we not deserving of that happiness? Are we not stronger than the Universe when it comes to the power of love? I thought we were!

It’s so hard to begin healing when I feel this could all have been prevented had John kept his promise to work on this with me! I am really upset with him for this, even though I understand why he was sad and unable to see things clearly. I just wish it wasn’t too late. I miss him so much!

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May 15 2009

Mood Swings

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So, be it my hormones or depression, my moods are swinging so wildly. I break down so easily, and I do stupid things… very stupid.

Today, when I had a breakdown, I reached out to the one person who knows me best and who I trust to understand me – John. I shouldn’t have. He was unable to handle it. I know he can’t be my ex and my best friend, but I felt like only he would understand my pain. Still, I know he doesn’t want me and doesn’t feel for me anymore; so, it must just be hard for him or annoying for him to have to listen to my tears and sadness. I don’t know.

I’m still very upset with him for giving up on me, on us. I am still very distraught that I had a major problem that wasn’t my fault – my pill and my confusion / guilt; and, I am having to pay the price. I wish I had my partner with me to work through these awful things and major issues that I need to change. I don’t. He gave up on me… he left me.

I understand he felt unwanted. I feel awful about that, beyond words! I apologized so much for it, but it wasn’t my fault. He never brought it up in a way that made me feel like it was a make or break issue. He never brought it up in a way that showed me how important it was to him. We’d go back to being a normal couple, and then he’d get busy with projects and things… or so I thought. I wish he had said to me, “honey, we really need to resolve this issue or I won’t be happy staying in this relationship anymore. There must be something more that’s going on. I don’t feel wanted, but I know you love me. I know there has got to be something more, something deeper.” He’s a student of psychology and humanity. He couldn’t have assumed I was just ok with things or that he could be ok with things.

After things would get better, when they would die off again… I thought that was his choice. I didn’t realize it was me not initiating. I wish he had initiated much much more. I loved being with him. I needed him to make the first move. I know that’s not what he wanted, but it would have taken us to where we both wanted to go…

Still, I think it would have made us closer, and then.. when this problem would come to light, we’d be more able to work on it. I think I will be able to get my drive back. I think I will be able to learn to not feel guilty for things out of my control, even if caused by a situation I am a part of. I think I can initiate and be an amazing partner. Sadly though, I have nobody to go through my trials and errors with.

Doing this with a new boyfriend would really screw things up. You need to go through things like this with someone you love and trust, and who loves and trusts you too. This scares me so much. How will I try new pills and new methods without fucking up a bunch of relationships? Will I be brave enough to try things out with them? Will they just give up and leave me too? I mean, they will be new… they won’t love me enough to go through this trial / error phase with me?

This is sooooooooooooo hard. John, why did you leave me?! I needed your help. I needed you and you abandoned me. You told me I could be mad at you and get angry with you, and I am. I really am. I am so upset you gave up on us! Things WERE great for us, for a really long time. Had you taken the effort and spent the energy to try to make things work, just like you promised me you would, we would be together today. You’d still want me in the way I want you. We’d be going through a lot right now, but it would be so worth it. We would have an amazing physical and emotional relationship, stronger than we have ever known. Why did you give up on me?! 🙁 I know you said you woke up one day and just didn’t want me anymore, but before that… why didn’t you think things would or could change? You said you didn’t think they could change. Why not? Don’t you think I’m capable of great things? Don’t you think, as a team, we could make anything possible?! I did!!! I know I can make this great and get better. I can’t believe you felt that I couldn’t! I know you felt sad and unwanted, but you didn’t have to go on feeling that way until it was too late. We could have had an emotional outpouring and pleading for each others’ help. We would have had it, I guarantee! We could have been soooooo happy!!! 🙁

I know it’s too late now, and I know he will probably never feel for me again what I still feel for him. I know there is a slight chance (as others have gone through this too and come back together even after feelings died); but by then, I will have also moved on… I’m sure of it. Our time has come and gone, and without knowing it, I missed my opportunity to turn things right side up and create something truly amazing out of something frustrating and sad.

I am mourning the death of our relationship, even though I understand how we got here. I am sad he didn’t communicate his pain with me when he realized it. I know he realized it because he did say that he “didn’t think things would change.” Still, I am not sure what changed for him. I am not sure what caused him to lose hope and stop trying… we are both losing out here, and I feel that he will regret this one day. Regret giving up or not trying harder to see what the root of the problem was. I regret it already, but it was all in his hands. He was the one who recognized there was a problem! I didn’t. I just thought he was busy, and that would pass… how foolish I was.

So, stupidly, I chatted with him about all this today. I basically got snubbed. I get it. I really do. Your ex doesn’t want to hear you cry over him. Still, I wish he was feeling the pain I am feeling. I guess that’s quite mean of me. I think that anger comes out of the fact that I feel abandoned, and I think I have a right to feel angry for him giving up on us. Even so, I am conflicted… because I love him, and I want him to be happy. If I couldn’t make him happy, even though it was caused by circumstances out of my control (at the time), then I get why he didn’t want to stay.

I wish I didn’t swing back and forth so much. I wish I could just accept the situation and start healing. I wish I had the ability to overlook my emotion and just use logic and reason to survive. I guess, then, I wouldn’t be human or a woman, would I?

I miss him. I want him to want me. I can’t have what I want. If I had done something intentionally wrong, I would get why I would need to be punished. The fact that I was just under hormonal medication and confused about how to manage my depression (job, money, taking away his space), doesn’t make me a bad person. These things are not punishable offenses. I just needed him. I just needed someone to love me enough to help me through it. I guess it is clear he wasn’t that somebody. I thought he was. He claims he was once. I don’t know. I am trying to believe him, but it makes it harder… to think he loved me that much but still gave up on me. 🙁

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May 15 2009

A Week & A Half

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It’s now been a week and a half since John left me. He & I have had very important and good talks since then, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

The truth is, I am not yet at the point of acceptance. I am still longing and missing him so much. I really wish he’d be able to change his mind and heart and come home. I am sure only an act of god could do that, but I still keep hoping. I know I need to stop hoping. That’s really not in my nature though. I guess I just have to know that, in time, I won’t want to hope anymore.

I am a truly believe that I will find happiness with someone else one day. Right now, I don’t even want to imagine that. I want the person I grow old with to be John. How do I get out of this stage? How do I stop missing and wanting him to come back to me?

We really did have a lot of fun together. We enjoyed many of the same activities, genres, and friends. We liked traveling together, exploring California together, and hanging out with one another. He was my best friend. I could tell him anything and everything! I have great friends, I know. It’s not the same as having that one person that you share everything with. Having one person not only to share with, but someone interested in you enough to hear everything you have to say… it’s so beautiful and special. I will miss that. I won’t just miss that feeling, but I will miss that person being him.

My heart is a mess today. It actually hurts when it beats. I am holding back tears a lot today. I know I am in mourning, deeply. I wish I could take time off of work, but I can’t. I wish I didn’t have a full time job, but was my own boss…self employed as a Wedding Photographer. I really hope I get there soon! I can muster the strength to shoot a wedding, and happily; but, it’s hard to muster the energy to go into an office and spend all day doing database verifications and filing. My mind is free to wander, and it does. When you are not challenged, you have time to think – and mope.

At home, I’d be reading blogs for my business and sharing information… I’d be getting myself out there in front of potential clients and all over the internet. I can’t do that from here. I am sooooo thankful to have a job, don’t get me wrong. It’s just hard not having a lot to look forward to on a daily basis. I used to look forward to John coming home every day and cuddling with me at night. I love seeing the kitties after work, and they are my closest companions right now. I love them so much. I just wish they could talk to me and wanted to hold me. They just want to lay around and be cute… which is nice, but not enough for me right now.

I really wish I had a time machine. I remember the movie though… even if you go back, the same thing will undoubtedly occur, just in different ways. It’s like you can’t change anything, even with the knowledge of what to do. Is that true? It doesn’t matter. I don’t have a time machine.

I wish I didn’t want him back. I wish I didn’t miss him. I wish I didn’t hope he’d change his mind and come back to me. How do I handle this? I know everyone says, “grieve, give it time.” I really don’t have the time. I have to perform better at work or they won’t keep me. I really have to work on my business. I really have to take care of things around the apartment. I am not in a good spot right now. I can’t seem to get things together.

I went to Target last night, then the bank, then home to do litter. I still hadn’t eaten, and it was 10pm. I then had a few bites of soup, a breadstick and some Orangina. I couldn’t muster the strength or creativity to edit photos; so, I just laid on the couch and flipped between Love Actually and the Wedding Singer. I passed out during Love Actually and woke up when Laura Linney’s cell phone went off in the middle of her make-out session with the guy from her work. That was depressing. I then gave Dagan his meds, and got into bed. It was early, but I couldn’t find the strength to stay awake.

I woke up before 6am today. I laid in bed, upset, exhausted. I hate waking up alone. The cats wanted to eat right away, but I couldn’t even get up til 7am to feed them. I dragged myself to work, and now I am here – trying to make it through the day. I am on lunch right now. I am no longer allowed to check email, my cell phone, or check anything online other than at lunch. It is really hard. If I had interesting projects that kept me busy, I bet it would be easier… but data verifications! No, my mind gets sooooo distracted.

I need to buy a lottery ticket tonight. Please all pray and wish for me that I will win! I’ll throw a huge party at my new house, and I’ll treat you all to something special! I really really want a happier life… I am a happy person, generally. I know that I will get back there, but I am swimming in unhappy situations right now, and I want out. I don’t know what to do.

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May 14 2009

Closure, Not Comfort

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Depeche Mode – Precious

Precious and fragile things
Need special handling
My God what have we done to You?

We always try to share
The tenderest of care
Now look what we have put You through…

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we’d manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

Angels with silver wings
Shouldn’t know suffering
I wish I could take the pain for You

If God has a master plan
That only He understands
I hope it’s Your eyes He’s seeing through

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we’d manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

I pray You learn to trust
Have faith in both of us
And keep room in Your heart for two

Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we’d manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give

=================

Warning: Very long and intimate post:

John & I had our final relationship discussion last night as he packed up the last of his things and took them out of the apartment. We spent the night crying in each others arms and apologizing and talking to one another.

I am glad to have closure on some things, but it does not bring me comfort. There are a few issues that were bothering John, though none of them compared to the final issue (below).

Controlling – I truly believe that John sees, now, that when I seemed to be controlling and overly planning of our date nights and free time, it was only out of love – because I wanted as much time with him as possible. He didn’t realize how much I truly wanted to be with him, until now… too late. I understand why.. when most people complain of plans being changed, it is because they don’t want to lose control. For me, if our plans being changed meant less time with the man I loved, then I would pout a bit or say something that showed I was upset about it. I can see why he thought I was trying to control the situation and his time, but at least he knows now what my intention was… to spend more time with the man I loved!

Passive / Aggressive – When John thought I was being passive / aggressive, it was not that I was agreeing to do or change things that I didn’t want to. If plans would change or a situation would be different than expected, I would honestly consider the options and confidently change my mind. I often just went with the flow. I’m just very laid back, but many people think that laid back people are just holding things in or not saying whats on their mind. Many people actually DO things they don’t want to do to, and go against their wishes. They say, “I’m fine with it.” Not me! I either change my mind and adapt willingly, or fight for what I want. I’m very direct. I know he sees this now. I’m just not like most people I guess… I really CAN change my mind and plans last minute, even though I love to plan. I am pretty flexible, even though I may complain at first. Once I think about things, I easily adaptable to change (as long as the change won’t hurt me or someone I care about).

Marriage – I didn’t want to marry him to be married. I wanted to spend my life with him. I wanted to enjoy precious moments with him forever, deeply in love, happy, and having fun together. He was feeling physical neglect (see below), and thought I was pressuring him into marrying me, all the while believing that I knew we had sexual problems (that I was maybe brushing under the carpet, so to speak). The truth is, I didn’t recognize the problem at hand, and all I wanted was to be with him… married or not. I just envisioned myself growing old with him, happily! He sees this now.

Intimacy / sex – I had no clue that my sex drive was low. I had no clue that I wasn’t showing John I wanted him. He went for months feeling like I didn’t ‘want’ him. I feel truly truly awful about this. It is my biggest regret (even though it is really not my fault). I still wish he could have felt “wanted” and loved at all times!

He did talk to me about it from time to time, and we’d “fix” things. Then, things would fall off again. I WISH he had brought things up to me more severely the 2nd time things fell off (or the 3rd). I WISH he recognized that the problem was probably deeper. He just thought I didn’t want him; yet, I was so happy being with him. I wish he had seen this and delved deeper.

He said he didn’t realize he was feeling unwanted until recently. I do not know how he thought he was ok and could live with this. Still, he loved me and wanted to be with me, so he thought he could overlook this. He was wrong. He should have brought it up to me to the point of REALLY working with me (and helping me) figure out the root of the problem.

The simple truth is that he felt unwanted. It built up for months. He tried talking me about it, but nothing changed for the better. He tried to live with it. He eventually woke up and realized he was very unhappy and didn’t want me anymore. The sad thing is, I wanted him so bad. I wanted to be with him all the time, but my guilt was eating at me (even though I didn’t realize it).

Subconsciously, I was giving him “space” and “control” of his time and energy, allowing HIM to initiate or decide what to do with his time. I didn’t realize I was not showing him I wanted him. I thought he was happy.

The other thing is, and I realized this YESTERDAY, that my birth control pill actually decreases sex drive. In cases all over the Internet, boyfriends and spouses were leaving their women due to this very problem… no initiation and decreased sex drive. In some cases, the people figured it out and worked on things. Some women went off the pill. Some switched to an IUD. Those people reported being very happy now. Still, in so many cases, the sex drive dissipated more and more over the years while being on the pill, especially my particular pill: OTC Lo. This pill, combined with my guilt of taking away his space and time, is what I believe caused me to back-off and not initiate.

It’s not that I didn’t want him. I really really did (and still do). When we were together, I was so happy – in every way. I did make very subtle attempts to initiate, but he didn’t pick them up. I know he wanted me to be more passionate, and so didn’t realize what I was doing. I should have been more direct and forceful, but again… I thought he was just too busy at the time (and happy doing whatever he was doing – reading, writing, relaxing, etc.).

This guilt comes from a long line of unfortunate occurrences. First, I lost three jobs in the past year. When I was working at Disney for the last 7 months, I was very unhappy. During the past year, I was burning through savings and not finding a good job. I was depressed, very depressed. I felt awful for feeling depressed, especially (after December of 2008) when John asked me to please not get depressed again. He suggested I work with Janis on my issues. Well, I did. I was still depressed, but out of fear of upsetting him, I started to focus on going out to more meet-ups and continuing trying to FIND work and build my business. It actually lit a fire under me, and I am glad he said something. I WISH he had been this direct about our sex issues.

So, after a few months, I realized I was almost out of emergency money. I decided that the ONLY way to survive was to get a roommate until I found a good job. Getting a roommate meant taking away the room that John used to do his writing. I felt sooooooooooooooo awful about that. It also meant that we would not be able to be as free in the apartment. It meant an invasion of our space. Not that I don’t love my roommate. She’s awesome, but I really really didn’t want to have anyone intrude upon our special space. I felt so awful about it! 🙁

Now we had a roommate, I was jobless still, and John was spending more and more time working on his projects. I was so happy for him for his creative ideas and all his plans to get things going. So much so that I somehow convinced myself that it was okay to give him full control of his time and space. I felt so guilty taking any of his creative time away, especially since I already took his personal space. I KNOW that he would have welcomed a sexy break; but, I just didn’t feel right interrupting him. He seemed so happy doing what he was doing. I was happy that he was happy. I really felt we would be okay again, and soon too! I also believe the pill and my lower drive kept me from thinking about initiating at times it would actually have been easy to… during TV or random hanging out.

All of these things were working against me, and I had no idea. I had no idea what I was doing to him… to myself, and to us. If I could go back in time, I would have restarted therapy, gone off the pill and tried something else, and we would have been soooooo happy! I am so sad that it is too late. I am so sad that after months of neglect, he woke up and realized he didn’t want me anymore.

We cried and cried last night, both of us scared – both of us wishing it could have been better for us. Still, he said it is too late. I wish he would have given me an opportunity, even if in the form of an ultimatum. I wish I had a chance to delve and look for the root of the problem before it was too late.

It’s so sad that it’s too late. We could have been amazing! We once were! We had so much fun together, and loved doing so many of the same things. Most importantly, we had a love deeper than ever imaginable! It was so intense and wonderful. It is so sad to see all of that ending.

He and I are both very sad right now, and need the friendship of all of you. He and I were deeply in love, and the misunderstandings and situations out of our control tore us apart. It’s very very tragic. I feel good knowing what the causes of our break-up are, but very sad that there’s nothing that I can do to correct them.

I wish he still wanted me. I miss him so much. It will take quite some time for me to heal. I can’t believe all our greatness ended over a misunderstanding and issues I was unaware of with my guilt and pill. I wish he communicated more desperately. I wish he would have fought harder for us. He sadly, didn’t think things would change. I wish he had more faith in us. I guess I just need to see the light and know to trust that I will be better off. Still, I am in mourning for the loss of the happy times we did have (and could have had in the future). 🙁

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May 13 2009

Working on Things

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So, after a very long, tearful discussion with John last night, I realized I really needed to work on things in my own life. I feel I’m realizing a lot of my issues, now that we talked; but, I don’t want to ever be that person again – so weak and so unaware. I want to be stronger, more focused, more direct; and, I want to do all of this without holding back or feeling guilty.

That being said, I called my PPO and found out what my Mental Health benefits are, and then looked up people in my network. I made an appointment to meet with a therapist in Glendale for this Saturday morning at 9am.

I plan to work on my feelings of guilt and lack of taking control of what I want. I give control up too easily, and it’s not something I ever did before. It’s something new, that I guess I started doing when I was unhappy at Disney with my abusive manager (a few months before my layoff… late 2007 I guess).

I started becoming more passive and indecisive. I started letting others do what they wanted and just going along for the ride. It was somewhat compromise and somewhat loss of the will to stand up for myself. I had no idea I had become such a mess.

Most of you see me as someone confident and strong. Well, I am. But, when it comes to the things that matter most, I’ve been letting others make those choices for me. Why? No freakin’ clue. That’s why I am going to go to therapy… to find out and change all that for the future!

With John, I didn’t communicate some of my needs with him – out of guilt for taking away his space and time (which he did ask me for and seemed to bring up quite often, even though it was subtle at times). I am quite certain that this guilt stems from me losing my job over and over again, not having money to do the things I wanted to do or save up for a larger place for us, from having to get a roommate (which, in turn, took away even more of his personal space) which made me feel like I couldn’t intrude (even though he wanted me to).

When he seemed or looked happy, I thought I was doing a good thing by backing off and giving him space/time. What he wanted was my love and attention. What I thought he wanted was space/time. I was guided by guilt and fear of getting in the way of what made him happy. Had I known I could make him even happier if I showed him I wanted him all the time, I would have done it. I couldn’t read the signs, and I was (again) blinded by guilt. I should have done what I wanted to do… be with him, all the time!

I’m not saying this is all my fault or that John’s off the hook for me being angry and upset with him. He fucked up by not communicating with me about his unhappiness. He broke his promise to work on this with me and to be my partner through and through. He broke up with me in a really selfish and hurtful way.

What I am doing is taking responsibility for not showing him how much I loved and wanted him. I wish I had a time machine and the knowledge I have now!

Anyhow, that’s where I am… I had no clue what was happening and, again, I thought we were both happy. I would do anything to start over and work together on things to make sure we are both happy and enjoying our life together. I really want the chance to make things right and show John just how much I really want him. I feel so sad this happened to us. I wish he hadn’t given up on me without trying to make it right! 🙁

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May 10 2009

Sunday Afternoon

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As I write this, I am not in tears, and not too upset. I have a headache and cramps, but I am ok otherwise (for the time being).

This weekend was especially hard, as I spent most of it in tears and pain. I did everything I could to eat some food, but I only managed a very small amount. I hope that changes, fast. I can’t go on like this… I wish I had more control over the stress my body is facing physically.

I know that mentally, I am sad, angry, exhausted, in pain, pissed off, feeling deceived and lied to, feeling longing and regret, and feeling a very lonely. I have great friends around, but I lost my best friend… the one I shared stories about the cats with and talked about my day to. The one I looked forward to laughing with, smiling at, being smiled at by, running errands with, and most of all… kissing, loving, and holding in my arms!

I have all four cats hanging out with me right now, and that is truly special. I do feel very loved by them. I am so thankful for them!

On Friday, Megan & Elysia came over. I had only slept about 2 hours the night before, so it was very hard to stay awake to hang out. We watched Willow. I love that movie. I wish I could have watched most of it. It’s odd though… after they left, I wasn’t tired anymore. I kept the TV off (which it has mostly been since Wednesday) and just pet the cats til I passed out.

Saturday – I wanted to sleep in, but I ended up waking up around 4am – depressed and going over things in my mind over and over again, creating scenarios for things I don’t even know, and taking a second look at things that actually happened to see if I could find hints for things. I wish I could have gone back to sleep. I was so tired.

At 1pm, I finally got a shower and drove to Malibu to perform a wedding. It was nice to see two happy people in love. I didn’t show any signs of sadness. I was very, truly happy to participate in their marriage. On the drive home, however, I talked to Emily and cried for an hour.

Once home, Erick came by with Flight Plan. It wasn’t a terrible movie, but it didn’t capture you either. I wouldn’t recommend it, but you are not going to be pissed off if you end up seeing it. It was tolerable and ok at points.

Josef & Megg than came by, so did Mike Dorwart & Bobby. They all took me to Foxy’s for dinner, since I hadn’t eaten more than three bites of Mac/Cheese all day. I just can’t stomach food right now. I know it’s just depression, but I want to take control back of my body and be able to eat. I honestly want to get better, fast.

After dinner, we all went to see Star Trek. I really liked it. I had a few panic attacks during the movie when I got super depressed and started flying around in my own head; but, overall, I was able to focus and enjoy the movie.

I got home around 2am, and passed out pretty quickly. Sadly, I woke up at 5am. 🙁 I wish I could just sleep! I’m so annoyed. I tell myself that I’ll be ok, and that I need to get rest; but, I still wake up doing the same thing – looking around the bed for someone who’s not there, then thinking about all of the things that I should have seen or known or done… things that I had no clue about before Wednesday, but things that I wish were different – even if out of my control.

At 10:30am, Sara came by to get me. I couldn’t drive… not enough energy from lack of food, plus I was in tears all morning. I gathered my camera, then went with her to Burbank to do her headshots. It was great to talk to her and to tell her my heart’s pain. She completely understood where I was coming from. She is very much my friend as well as John’s, so I feel like I am safe with her… I feel like I have someone I can trust to be there for me. She is someone who loves us both and wants us both to be happy, and she is completely objective without being cold. She was very warm and understanding. It was so very nice to have her as a sounding board and listen to her stories about her life and experiences. I feel a bit better. She also got me to eat some frozen yogurt, which I really needed (protein).

We just got back to my place not long ago. The cats were so very happy to see me. Right now, Gracie is sleeping on the cat tree, Dagan is on the sofa back, Aurora is on the sofa arm, and Sandy is curled up with her paws over her face, her tongue sticking out, and her head upside down, by the window near the litter box. They are all so pretty and wonderful!

It’s getting nicer outside. I wish the skies were more blue, but the temp is nice. It was good to be outside today. I needed some sun energy.

In a few weeks, I am supposed to go to Pioneertown. I think I am going to cancel and stay home with the cats. I want as much time with them as possible right now. Also, it will be very depressing to go alone. I hope to travel again soon though.

I’m hoping that I will once again find someone who wants to travel with me, so we can go to Japan, Papua New Guinea, Hawaii, Norway, Iceland, Ireland, Scotland, Yellowstone NP, Zion NP, Monument Valley, Alaska, Boston, Seattle, Egypt and see the rest of the US with. I really hope that when I am a full time wedding photographer, I can go to new one place a year! I’d also really like to go back to New Orleans too. I really really miss it there. I felt so alive there… it’s a magical place, full of life, death, and history. I miss it terribly.

I’m also still looking forward to going to Sedona in October. My friend Liz said she maybe able to go with me. I sure hope she can. I invited Janis as well. I think it would be great to have some amazing girls there with me in that beautiful city. We could all use some spiritual desert energy right now!

In December, I am going to go straight to FL now… no more NJ/NY. I really want to see Viv, but I will feel better if I just go to FL this year to see my friends and family there. I will try really hard to visit Viv in 2010. That seems like so far away… If I win the lottery before then, I’ll go visit her much sooner. Otherwise, when I am self-employed again (and surviving really well), I’ll travel all over to see the people I love and miss as often as I can.

The life I’m living is not a bad life. I know I have great people in my life. I have been hurt deeply by someone I trusted to take precious care of my heart, but I will recover… I am human and I am capable of great things.

I am very angry still and very sad; but, I know that I am a good person, very loving, very caring, and will be a great partner to someone who deserves and respects me. I just hope my ability to trust isn’t too damaged. It is hard to trust someone for almost 3 years, and then realize that they have it in them to deceive you and break vital promises. It is very hard knowing that the one person you loved and trusted above all others could be someone capable of these actions. I never thought it was possible. I guess that’s what everyone says about people they know and love who turn on them (or who turn on others once important to them).

I certainly don’t need to be taught a life lesson right now. I have had a hell of a year with losing my job, trying to build a new career, losing a lifelong friend and finding her body, having to find a roommate to make ends meet, starting a new job that does not quite pay the bills (even when I did have a partner sharing our part of the bills/rent)… now this. I don’t believe I have anything I owe the universe; so, I am not sure why there is so much emotional hell to pay lately. I just hope my happiness is coming – and soon!

Life and relationships are not supposed to be easy. Two people, trying to make something of their careers and their world, living together in harmony will encounter issues. It’s very sad when one partner gives up on the life they have made together and abandons ship… especially over a mis-communication and an issue that could have been resolved.

So, with that being out of my control, it is time to start healing – I know I was a great girlfriend – very loving, respectful, fun, kind, caring, appreciative, happy to give and share my heart, a great mother to our cats. I know I did everything I could to give John the space and time he needed (that he asked me for) to write and be alone. I gave too much in fact – so much so that he thought I didn’t want to be with him. How foolish we were! I wish I hadn’t given him so much time and space. I know he asked me for it; and, because I had the burden of having to pay more rent, I had to bring in a roommate which took over his personal space. With my guilt, I gave him more time and space than he probably needed (or wanted). When he wanted to go out or write, I didn’t stop him. After our dates, if he needed to “finish something” on a script or idea, I was ok with it. I thought I was just being respectful of his creativity and personal time; but, I did us a disservice. He began to perceive me as uninterested in him. Anyone who knows me well knows how madly in love with him – mentally, emotionally AND physically I was.

I should have done more to show him, because not a day went by where he didn’t make my insides tingle. I really thought he was too busy for me lately, but I thought I was not in the place to complain. How stupid of me. I wish I had a time machine. I’d make sure he knew just how much I wanted him! I did give hints, but got scared off a few times by silly things. Psychology, I think it made me subconsciously afraid to be more aggressive. Again, that could have been resolved with a deep conversation that actually focused on the core issues… guilt for not having a job and having to give his space to someone else in our home – making me feel more obligated to “leave him alone” when I thought he wanted to read or write.

Even though I know I couldn’t have known this was a make/break issue without his say-so, I still feel awful about it. I thought I was doing him a favor by staying out of his way. I had no idea I was confusing him and making him feel unwanted. Ever since January, when I had become unemployed again, I had guilt growing inside me. The past few months have been very very hard for me. John knows what it is like to be unemployed for a long time, so I thought he’d understand my headspace.

I was really trying hard to get my shit together; and, I ended up focusing really hard on my photography. I thought he was happy about that. I had no idea it was eating into our precious time together. I thought he was just as focused on his writing projects. Both of us were to blame here for our mis-communication. I just wish he had given me the chance… the ultimatum, something that showed that he loved me and wanted to make things work! He didn’t…. he just gave up without even telling me, and that is the saddest and most detrimental thing to me. I can’t believe he would want to throw it all away when it could have been resolved once and for all with a serious, intense talk.

I now know that I was being kept from information about issues that were building within him. Had I known the issues or the intensity of them, I could have turned things around, rather quickly! It takes two to make a relationship work well. If one partner has vital information and the other doesn’t, there’s no way the one without can do anything useful to help keep things going happily! Had I known the issues, I would have done everything in my power to make things work, using all of my energy – because our happiness and life together was worth saving, and because I was not willing to give up on the man I loved and whose heart I promised to take great care of.

Well, for whatever reason, he chose the path of non-action over the promise of working on things as a team. I don’t know why. I may never know, but I hope he figures this out so that he never does that to a future partner. Nobody deserves to be given up on, to be washed over, to be “dumped” by a live-in, long-term partner who you thought would treat you with more dignity and respect. I really can’t believe he chose to do nothing and not spend the energy to try to save our happy relationship when he was still happily in love with me and wanting a future with me. I really don’t know why he gave up on us… and didn’t tell me until about a month too late. I really don’t know… 🙁

I usually don’t ramble in a public place, but I am feeling rather lonely. I don’t need any responses, because nobody but John has the insight as to why he made the choices he did other than him. I don’t want pity. I don’t want advice even. I’ve heard all the “sayings” and I do believe them. Right now, I just want to get this out… I can’t keep living it over and over in my bed every morning. I get cramps in my wrist when I write on paper, so it’s easier for me to type. I guess I could keep this private, but I don’t really feel like being alone right now.

I do not want any of you reading to judge John. Nobody knows what is in his head or why he did what he did. Yes, it was really shitty of him to dump me like he did and not try to work things out with me, but nobody knows his reasons. So, please know that above all… I do not want anyone to take sides. I do not want anyone to give him shit for this. If you have advice for either of us on how we can do things better for ourselves or future partners, great. Otherwise, please respect us both. It is mourning time for the loss of a great love and the life we had built together. I know he hurt me, but I also know he is feeling the pain of the loss (in some way). So, please do not judge… thank you. I am writing because I want to be heard and loved. I am not writing to damage him in any way. Even though I am so angry with him and hurt, I still love him and believe (and hope) that his intentions were not to hurt me as badly as he did.

Anyhow, Sandy’s eye is twitching right now and she’s doing an Elvis thing with her upper lip. It’s totally cute. Aurora just climbed down to me to visit. I’m a bit antsy, and may try to eat again soon… I get hungry and a bad headache, but then the body rejects good. I wish I could turn the stupid button to “off” but I can’t find it.

Oh well, onto the next moment…

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May 09 2009

For well you know that its a fool who plays it cool…

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“Hey Jude” by The Beatles
D/L: The Beatles – Hey Jude.mp3

Hey jude, dont make it bad.
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.

Hey jude, dont be afraid.
You were made to go out and get her.
The minute you let her under your skin,
Then you begin to make it better.

And anytime you feel the pain, hey jude, refrain,
Dont carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that its a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder.

Hey jude, dont let me down.
You have found her, now go and get her.
Remember to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in, hey jude, begin,
Youre waiting for someone to perform with.
And dont you know that its just you, hey jude, youll do,
The movement you need is on your shoulder.

Hey jude, dont make it bad.
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her under your skin,
Then youll begin to make it
Better better better better better better, oh.

Na na na na na ,na na na, hey jude…

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May 08 2009

Please Just Save Me from this Darkness.

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“Make This Go On Forever” by Snow Patrol
D/L: Snow Patrol – Make This Go On Forever.mp3

Please don’t let this turn into something it’s not
I can only give you everything I’ve got
I can’t be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could

All that I keep thinking throughout this whole flight
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right
This splintered mast I’m holding on won’t save me long
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

We have got through so much worse than this before
What’s so different this time that you can’t ignore
You say it is much more than just my last mistake
And we should spend some time apart for both our sakes

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

And I don’t know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness
Please just save me from this darkness

And I don’t know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness
Please just save me from this darkness

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Apr 27 2009

Back 2 Life, Back 2 Reality

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I can’t even remember the last time I did a recap blog. I’ve been really busy for the past few weeks. Mostly, I have been working on my Wedding Photography business. I am trying to grow this business to the point of it being my sole income.

Though I have heard it for years and years, I just recently realized that all I want is to be a photographer! I used to think I would never want my hobby to become my income source; but, I don’t feel that way anymore. Now, more than ever, I crave photography (wedding / engagement photography)… working with couples in love!

Unfortunately, being that this was a more recent revelation, I just began marketing / branding myself THIS year. Therefore, I do not have a lot of bookings for 2009. I am very hopeful that my business will grow exponentially over the next two years; but, for now, I have to have an alternate income source.

So, out of necessity, I found a job. I am very happy with the job I found… well, they found me, I should say. AppleOne called me with an interview to work at Cast & Crew in Burbank. I will be working under the CFO. The company seems like a great place to work, and they treat their employees very well. The pay is not so great, but it’s doable. What I like are the people! So, I think I will really love it there.

Hopefully, I will be transitioning to a full-time wedding photographer by 2011. I get amazing compliments on my work, and I take great pride in what I do; so, I am sure it WILL happen. I just hope it’s sooner than later!

WEEKEND RECAP:

Thursday – Went to the Magic Castle (an exclusive club in Hollywood for magicians and their guests). It was so cool. Our magician, Micah, invited Emmett, John & Greg because he really likes ghosts and watched their Bumps in the Night series on Strike.tv. There were about 25 of us total, all dressed up very very nice! Men were in suits! It was great to get dressed up and go out with friends! The show was really great too. I really enjoyed it!

Friday – Interviewed for my job at Cast & Crew… got a call a few hours later that they LOVED me and want to hire me! Yay! Then, I drove up to Michele & Dave’s. We went to dinner at a nice little Italian restaurant that opened by their place. It was really yummy!

Michele & I stayed up late talking photography. We passed out before 1am.

Saturday – Woke up around 9:30am (naturally), and joined Michele for some coffee in the kitchen. Dave went into work. I then got a shower, and we walked to the Annual Poppy Festival. It was mostly craft booths and carnival rides. We had lunch, then met up with Michele’s friends for a few hours. The wind was fierce, and I was freezing. The walk back was a bit brutal for me (wind wise). I had totally forgotten to put on sunblock too, so my face is now lobster red. Boo! 🙁

Once we got back, we set up some lighting for some tests of off-camera flash. We had some issues, but figured out a plan for our June 13th wedding. I’m going to 2nd shoot for her the weekend after that. Dave got home around 6pm, and I headed home to Glendale a bit after that.

I was worn out, and almost passed out on John’s chest on the couch. He talked me into going up to the Palace in Sylmar to watch the Riff Trax of Twilight. Oh boy! I had never seen it, so it was hard to follow with the talking over the movie. It was not a good movie by any stretch of the imagination, but I did want to at least know what was going on.

After that, we watched the beginning of High Spirits (til Mike got tired). John & I then came home and passed out.

Sunday – Slept in til the cats woke me to get breakfast for them. Rested a little longer, then went food shopping. After lunch, John & I went to the mall. I got a really cute work outfit at H&M and a few nice work shirts. Their prices are soooo good!

After the mall, we came home and I passed out on the couch while John did laundry. I put it away when I woke up, then started doing some social networking online for my business. Bender’s Game was on TV!

John is home now and Sandy’s on his lap. Her claws need a clipping. I’m going to head to bed in a few. I have to get up early to let the painter in to paint our bathroom shower. I’m going to try to get a trim, an eyebrow wax, and a car wash tomorrow too. Night!

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