It’s now been a week and a half since John left me. He & I have had very important and good talks since then, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
The truth is, I am not yet at the point of acceptance. I am still longing and missing him so much. I really wish he’d be able to change his mind and heart and come home. I am sure only an act of god could do that, but I still keep hoping. I know I need to stop hoping. That’s really not in my nature though. I guess I just have to know that, in time, I won’t want to hope anymore.
I am a truly believe that I will find happiness with someone else one day. Right now, I don’t even want to imagine that. I want the person I grow old with to be John. How do I get out of this stage? How do I stop missing and wanting him to come back to me?
We really did have a lot of fun together. We enjoyed many of the same activities, genres, and friends. We liked traveling together, exploring California together, and hanging out with one another. He was my best friend. I could tell him anything and everything! I have great friends, I know. It’s not the same as having that one person that you share everything with. Having one person not only to share with, but someone interested in you enough to hear everything you have to say… it’s so beautiful and special. I will miss that. I won’t just miss that feeling, but I will miss that person being him.
My heart is a mess today. It actually hurts when it beats. I am holding back tears a lot today. I know I am in mourning, deeply. I wish I could take time off of work, but I can’t. I wish I didn’t have a full time job, but was my own boss…self employed as a Wedding Photographer. I really hope I get there soon! I can muster the strength to shoot a wedding, and happily; but, it’s hard to muster the energy to go into an office and spend all day doing database verifications and filing. My mind is free to wander, and it does. When you are not challenged, you have time to think – and mope.
At home, I’d be reading blogs for my business and sharing information… I’d be getting myself out there in front of potential clients and all over the internet. I can’t do that from here. I am sooooo thankful to have a job, don’t get me wrong. It’s just hard not having a lot to look forward to on a daily basis. I used to look forward to John coming home every day and cuddling with me at night. I love seeing the kitties after work, and they are my closest companions right now. I love them so much. I just wish they could talk to me and wanted to hold me. They just want to lay around and be cute… which is nice, but not enough for me right now.
I really wish I had a time machine. I remember the movie though… even if you go back, the same thing will undoubtedly occur, just in different ways. It’s like you can’t change anything, even with the knowledge of what to do. Is that true? It doesn’t matter. I don’t have a time machine.
I wish I didn’t want him back. I wish I didn’t miss him. I wish I didn’t hope he’d change his mind and come back to me. How do I handle this? I know everyone says, “grieve, give it time.” I really don’t have the time. I have to perform better at work or they won’t keep me. I really have to work on my business. I really have to take care of things around the apartment. I am not in a good spot right now. I can’t seem to get things together.
I went to Target last night, then the bank, then home to do litter. I still hadn’t eaten, and it was 10pm. I then had a few bites of soup, a breadstick and some Orangina. I couldn’t muster the strength or creativity to edit photos; so, I just laid on the couch and flipped between Love Actually and the Wedding Singer. I passed out during Love Actually and woke up when Laura Linney’s cell phone went off in the middle of her make-out session with the guy from her work. That was depressing. I then gave Dagan his meds, and got into bed. It was early, but I couldn’t find the strength to stay awake.
I woke up before 6am today. I laid in bed, upset, exhausted. I hate waking up alone. The cats wanted to eat right away, but I couldn’t even get up til 7am to feed them. I dragged myself to work, and now I am here – trying to make it through the day. I am on lunch right now. I am no longer allowed to check email, my cell phone, or check anything online other than at lunch. It is really hard. If I had interesting projects that kept me busy, I bet it would be easier… but data verifications! No, my mind gets sooooo distracted.
I need to buy a lottery ticket tonight. Please all pray and wish for me that I will win! I’ll throw a huge party at my new house, and I’ll treat you all to something special! I really really want a happier life… I am a happy person, generally. I know that I will get back there, but I am swimming in unhappy situations right now, and I want out. I don’t know what to do.