Today was my 1st therapy session since John left me. It was a rocky start with her office being closed and me having to come back later on since she wasn’t legally allowed to talk to me until I did paperwork.
It’s very hard to type right now. Sandy is cuddling me like mad. She’s so amazing. I don’t know what I’ll do without her. She’s the most loving cat in the world! I can’t imagine not having her in my every day life! 🙁
So, I went home, and crawled back into bed. About an hour later, my therapist called and told me she got into the office and I could come back down.
We started by me telling her my entire life story in under 30 minutes. Wow.. I’ve been through a hell of a lot! I went through some of the most tragic moments of my life with her. I can’t believe those stand out so much. It was so much harder to think of the good memories, until I started thinking about John… all these amazing memories poured out, and with them – tears and pain.
I have certainly had a lot of pain in my life and a lot of tragedy. This break up takes the cake though! I have never felt so sad in my life. I can’t believe what a tragedy our relationship became. It was completely resolvable, but we just didn’t notice what was wrong in time to fix it. Nothing hurts more than knowing how amazing we were and could have been if this problem had been fixed earlier.
At the end of my session, she didn’t really have any advice for me. I asked for exercises, books, something… she said I’m already doing everything right – talking to my support network, going out whether I want to or not, asking for help when I need it, etc. She did give me some book suggestions, so I picked those up. I’ll see if I can get through them. I am a very slow reader.
The ONE thing I got from this session is when we talked about my birth control pill and the guilt I had for taking time and space from John. She said to me, rather quickly, “you know where that guilt comes from, don’t you now?” I didn’t! It was SOOOO unlike me to act that way – to have guilt. She said that guilt is often a symptom of hormonal imbalance. My feelings of guilt were likely caused by moodiness and hormonal imbalance. I wasn’t thinking rationally. I was a freakin’ mess and I had no clue!
I really wish John was more direct with me about his sadness about our issues. I wish I had known about the issues with my pill two years ago! I know that is not the way the Universe’s plans have come about, but why? We could have been so happy! Are we not deserving of that happiness? Are we not stronger than the Universe when it comes to the power of love? I thought we were!
It’s so hard to begin healing when I feel this could all have been prevented had John kept his promise to work on this with me! I am really upset with him for this, even though I understand why he was sad and unable to see things clearly. I just wish it wasn’t too late. I miss him so much!