So, be it my hormones or depression, my moods are swinging so wildly. I break down so easily, and I do stupid things… very stupid.
Today, when I had a breakdown, I reached out to the one person who knows me best and who I trust to understand me – John. I shouldn’t have. He was unable to handle it. I know he can’t be my ex and my best friend, but I felt like only he would understand my pain. Still, I know he doesn’t want me and doesn’t feel for me anymore; so, it must just be hard for him or annoying for him to have to listen to my tears and sadness. I don’t know.
I’m still very upset with him for giving up on me, on us. I am still very distraught that I had a major problem that wasn’t my fault – my pill and my confusion / guilt; and, I am having to pay the price. I wish I had my partner with me to work through these awful things and major issues that I need to change. I don’t. He gave up on me… he left me.
I understand he felt unwanted. I feel awful about that, beyond words! I apologized so much for it, but it wasn’t my fault. He never brought it up in a way that made me feel like it was a make or break issue. He never brought it up in a way that showed me how important it was to him. We’d go back to being a normal couple, and then he’d get busy with projects and things… or so I thought. I wish he had said to me, “honey, we really need to resolve this issue or I won’t be happy staying in this relationship anymore. There must be something more that’s going on. I don’t feel wanted, but I know you love me. I know there has got to be something more, something deeper.” He’s a student of psychology and humanity. He couldn’t have assumed I was just ok with things or that he could be ok with things.
After things would get better, when they would die off again… I thought that was his choice. I didn’t realize it was me not initiating. I wish he had initiated much much more. I loved being with him. I needed him to make the first move. I know that’s not what he wanted, but it would have taken us to where we both wanted to go…
Still, I think it would have made us closer, and then.. when this problem would come to light, we’d be more able to work on it. I think I will be able to get my drive back. I think I will be able to learn to not feel guilty for things out of my control, even if caused by a situation I am a part of. I think I can initiate and be an amazing partner. Sadly though, I have nobody to go through my trials and errors with.
Doing this with a new boyfriend would really screw things up. You need to go through things like this with someone you love and trust, and who loves and trusts you too. This scares me so much. How will I try new pills and new methods without fucking up a bunch of relationships? Will I be brave enough to try things out with them? Will they just give up and leave me too? I mean, they will be new… they won’t love me enough to go through this trial / error phase with me?
This is sooooooooooooo hard. John, why did you leave me?! I needed your help. I needed you and you abandoned me. You told me I could be mad at you and get angry with you, and I am. I really am. I am so upset you gave up on us! Things WERE great for us, for a really long time. Had you taken the effort and spent the energy to try to make things work, just like you promised me you would, we would be together today. You’d still want me in the way I want you. We’d be going through a lot right now, but it would be so worth it. We would have an amazing physical and emotional relationship, stronger than we have ever known. Why did you give up on me?! 🙁 I know you said you woke up one day and just didn’t want me anymore, but before that… why didn’t you think things would or could change? You said you didn’t think they could change. Why not? Don’t you think I’m capable of great things? Don’t you think, as a team, we could make anything possible?! I did!!! I know I can make this great and get better. I can’t believe you felt that I couldn’t! I know you felt sad and unwanted, but you didn’t have to go on feeling that way until it was too late. We could have had an emotional outpouring and pleading for each others’ help. We would have had it, I guarantee! We could have been soooooo happy!!! 🙁
I know it’s too late now, and I know he will probably never feel for me again what I still feel for him. I know there is a slight chance (as others have gone through this too and come back together even after feelings died); but by then, I will have also moved on… I’m sure of it. Our time has come and gone, and without knowing it, I missed my opportunity to turn things right side up and create something truly amazing out of something frustrating and sad.
I am mourning the death of our relationship, even though I understand how we got here. I am sad he didn’t communicate his pain with me when he realized it. I know he realized it because he did say that he “didn’t think things would change.” Still, I am not sure what changed for him. I am not sure what caused him to lose hope and stop trying… we are both losing out here, and I feel that he will regret this one day. Regret giving up or not trying harder to see what the root of the problem was. I regret it already, but it was all in his hands. He was the one who recognized there was a problem! I didn’t. I just thought he was busy, and that would pass… how foolish I was.
So, stupidly, I chatted with him about all this today. I basically got snubbed. I get it. I really do. Your ex doesn’t want to hear you cry over him. Still, I wish he was feeling the pain I am feeling. I guess that’s quite mean of me. I think that anger comes out of the fact that I feel abandoned, and I think I have a right to feel angry for him giving up on us. Even so, I am conflicted… because I love him, and I want him to be happy. If I couldn’t make him happy, even though it was caused by circumstances out of my control (at the time), then I get why he didn’t want to stay.
I wish I didn’t swing back and forth so much. I wish I could just accept the situation and start healing. I wish I had the ability to overlook my emotion and just use logic and reason to survive. I guess, then, I wouldn’t be human or a woman, would I?
I miss him. I want him to want me. I can’t have what I want. If I had done something intentionally wrong, I would get why I would need to be punished. The fact that I was just under hormonal medication and confused about how to manage my depression (job, money, taking away his space), doesn’t make me a bad person. These things are not punishable offenses. I just needed him. I just needed someone to love me enough to help me through it. I guess it is clear he wasn’t that somebody. I thought he was. He claims he was once. I don’t know. I am trying to believe him, but it makes it harder… to think he loved me that much but still gave up on me. 🙁