As I write this, I am not in tears, and not too upset. I have a headache and cramps, but I am ok otherwise (for the time being).
This weekend was especially hard, as I spent most of it in tears and pain. I did everything I could to eat some food, but I only managed a very small amount. I hope that changes, fast. I can’t go on like this… I wish I had more control over the stress my body is facing physically.
I know that mentally, I am sad, angry, exhausted, in pain, pissed off, feeling deceived and lied to, feeling longing and regret, and feeling a very lonely. I have great friends around, but I lost my best friend… the one I shared stories about the cats with and talked about my day to. The one I looked forward to laughing with, smiling at, being smiled at by, running errands with, and most of all… kissing, loving, and holding in my arms!
I have all four cats hanging out with me right now, and that is truly special. I do feel very loved by them. I am so thankful for them!
On Friday, Megan & Elysia came over. I had only slept about 2 hours the night before, so it was very hard to stay awake to hang out. We watched Willow. I love that movie. I wish I could have watched most of it. It’s odd though… after they left, I wasn’t tired anymore. I kept the TV off (which it has mostly been since Wednesday) and just pet the cats til I passed out.
Saturday – I wanted to sleep in, but I ended up waking up around 4am – depressed and going over things in my mind over and over again, creating scenarios for things I don’t even know, and taking a second look at things that actually happened to see if I could find hints for things. I wish I could have gone back to sleep. I was so tired.
At 1pm, I finally got a shower and drove to Malibu to perform a wedding. It was nice to see two happy people in love. I didn’t show any signs of sadness. I was very, truly happy to participate in their marriage. On the drive home, however, I talked to Emily and cried for an hour.
Once home, Erick came by with Flight Plan. It wasn’t a terrible movie, but it didn’t capture you either. I wouldn’t recommend it, but you are not going to be pissed off if you end up seeing it. It was tolerable and ok at points.
Josef & Megg than came by, so did Mike Dorwart & Bobby. They all took me to Foxy’s for dinner, since I hadn’t eaten more than three bites of Mac/Cheese all day. I just can’t stomach food right now. I know it’s just depression, but I want to take control back of my body and be able to eat. I honestly want to get better, fast.
After dinner, we all went to see Star Trek. I really liked it. I had a few panic attacks during the movie when I got super depressed and started flying around in my own head; but, overall, I was able to focus and enjoy the movie.
I got home around 2am, and passed out pretty quickly. Sadly, I woke up at 5am. 🙁 I wish I could just sleep! I’m so annoyed. I tell myself that I’ll be ok, and that I need to get rest; but, I still wake up doing the same thing – looking around the bed for someone who’s not there, then thinking about all of the things that I should have seen or known or done… things that I had no clue about before Wednesday, but things that I wish were different – even if out of my control.
At 10:30am, Sara came by to get me. I couldn’t drive… not enough energy from lack of food, plus I was in tears all morning. I gathered my camera, then went with her to Burbank to do her headshots. It was great to talk to her and to tell her my heart’s pain. She completely understood where I was coming from. She is very much my friend as well as John’s, so I feel like I am safe with her… I feel like I have someone I can trust to be there for me. She is someone who loves us both and wants us both to be happy, and she is completely objective without being cold. She was very warm and understanding. It was so very nice to have her as a sounding board and listen to her stories about her life and experiences. I feel a bit better. She also got me to eat some frozen yogurt, which I really needed (protein).
We just got back to my place not long ago. The cats were so very happy to see me. Right now, Gracie is sleeping on the cat tree, Dagan is on the sofa back, Aurora is on the sofa arm, and Sandy is curled up with her paws over her face, her tongue sticking out, and her head upside down, by the window near the litter box. They are all so pretty and wonderful!
It’s getting nicer outside. I wish the skies were more blue, but the temp is nice. It was good to be outside today. I needed some sun energy.
In a few weeks, I am supposed to go to Pioneertown. I think I am going to cancel and stay home with the cats. I want as much time with them as possible right now. Also, it will be very depressing to go alone. I hope to travel again soon though.
I’m hoping that I will once again find someone who wants to travel with me, so we can go to Japan, Papua New Guinea, Hawaii, Norway, Iceland, Ireland, Scotland, Yellowstone NP, Zion NP, Monument Valley, Alaska, Boston, Seattle, Egypt and see the rest of the US with. I really hope that when I am a full time wedding photographer, I can go to new one place a year! I’d also really like to go back to New Orleans too. I really really miss it there. I felt so alive there… it’s a magical place, full of life, death, and history. I miss it terribly.
I’m also still looking forward to going to Sedona in October. My friend Liz said she maybe able to go with me. I sure hope she can. I invited Janis as well. I think it would be great to have some amazing girls there with me in that beautiful city. We could all use some spiritual desert energy right now!
In December, I am going to go straight to FL now… no more NJ/NY. I really want to see Viv, but I will feel better if I just go to FL this year to see my friends and family there. I will try really hard to visit Viv in 2010. That seems like so far away… If I win the lottery before then, I’ll go visit her much sooner. Otherwise, when I am self-employed again (and surviving really well), I’ll travel all over to see the people I love and miss as often as I can.
The life I’m living is not a bad life. I know I have great people in my life. I have been hurt deeply by someone I trusted to take precious care of my heart, but I will recover… I am human and I am capable of great things.
I am very angry still and very sad; but, I know that I am a good person, very loving, very caring, and will be a great partner to someone who deserves and respects me. I just hope my ability to trust isn’t too damaged. It is hard to trust someone for almost 3 years, and then realize that they have it in them to deceive you and break vital promises. It is very hard knowing that the one person you loved and trusted above all others could be someone capable of these actions. I never thought it was possible. I guess that’s what everyone says about people they know and love who turn on them (or who turn on others once important to them).
I certainly don’t need to be taught a life lesson right now. I have had a hell of a year with losing my job, trying to build a new career, losing a lifelong friend and finding her body, having to find a roommate to make ends meet, starting a new job that does not quite pay the bills (even when I did have a partner sharing our part of the bills/rent)… now this. I don’t believe I have anything I owe the universe; so, I am not sure why there is so much emotional hell to pay lately. I just hope my happiness is coming – and soon!
Life and relationships are not supposed to be easy. Two people, trying to make something of their careers and their world, living together in harmony will encounter issues. It’s very sad when one partner gives up on the life they have made together and abandons ship… especially over a mis-communication and an issue that could have been resolved.
So, with that being out of my control, it is time to start healing – I know I was a great girlfriend – very loving, respectful, fun, kind, caring, appreciative, happy to give and share my heart, a great mother to our cats. I know I did everything I could to give John the space and time he needed (that he asked me for) to write and be alone. I gave too much in fact – so much so that he thought I didn’t want to be with him. How foolish we were! I wish I hadn’t given him so much time and space. I know he asked me for it; and, because I had the burden of having to pay more rent, I had to bring in a roommate which took over his personal space. With my guilt, I gave him more time and space than he probably needed (or wanted). When he wanted to go out or write, I didn’t stop him. After our dates, if he needed to “finish something” on a script or idea, I was ok with it. I thought I was just being respectful of his creativity and personal time; but, I did us a disservice. He began to perceive me as uninterested in him. Anyone who knows me well knows how madly in love with him – mentally, emotionally AND physically I was.
I should have done more to show him, because not a day went by where he didn’t make my insides tingle. I really thought he was too busy for me lately, but I thought I was not in the place to complain. How stupid of me. I wish I had a time machine. I’d make sure he knew just how much I wanted him! I did give hints, but got scared off a few times by silly things. Psychology, I think it made me subconsciously afraid to be more aggressive. Again, that could have been resolved with a deep conversation that actually focused on the core issues… guilt for not having a job and having to give his space to someone else in our home – making me feel more obligated to “leave him alone” when I thought he wanted to read or write.
Even though I know I couldn’t have known this was a make/break issue without his say-so, I still feel awful about it. I thought I was doing him a favor by staying out of his way. I had no idea I was confusing him and making him feel unwanted. Ever since January, when I had become unemployed again, I had guilt growing inside me. The past few months have been very very hard for me. John knows what it is like to be unemployed for a long time, so I thought he’d understand my headspace.
I was really trying hard to get my shit together; and, I ended up focusing really hard on my photography. I thought he was happy about that. I had no idea it was eating into our precious time together. I thought he was just as focused on his writing projects. Both of us were to blame here for our mis-communication. I just wish he had given me the chance… the ultimatum, something that showed that he loved me and wanted to make things work! He didn’t…. he just gave up without even telling me, and that is the saddest and most detrimental thing to me. I can’t believe he would want to throw it all away when it could have been resolved once and for all with a serious, intense talk.
I now know that I was being kept from information about issues that were building within him. Had I known the issues or the intensity of them, I could have turned things around, rather quickly! It takes two to make a relationship work well. If one partner has vital information and the other doesn’t, there’s no way the one without can do anything useful to help keep things going happily! Had I known the issues, I would have done everything in my power to make things work, using all of my energy – because our happiness and life together was worth saving, and because I was not willing to give up on the man I loved and whose heart I promised to take great care of.
Well, for whatever reason, he chose the path of non-action over the promise of working on things as a team. I don’t know why. I may never know, but I hope he figures this out so that he never does that to a future partner. Nobody deserves to be given up on, to be washed over, to be “dumped” by a live-in, long-term partner who you thought would treat you with more dignity and respect. I really can’t believe he chose to do nothing and not spend the energy to try to save our happy relationship when he was still happily in love with me and wanting a future with me. I really don’t know why he gave up on us… and didn’t tell me until about a month too late. I really don’t know… 🙁
I usually don’t ramble in a public place, but I am feeling rather lonely. I don’t need any responses, because nobody but John has the insight as to why he made the choices he did other than him. I don’t want pity. I don’t want advice even. I’ve heard all the “sayings” and I do believe them. Right now, I just want to get this out… I can’t keep living it over and over in my bed every morning. I get cramps in my wrist when I write on paper, so it’s easier for me to type. I guess I could keep this private, but I don’t really feel like being alone right now.
I do not want any of you reading to judge John. Nobody knows what is in his head or why he did what he did. Yes, it was really shitty of him to dump me like he did and not try to work things out with me, but nobody knows his reasons. So, please know that above all… I do not want anyone to take sides. I do not want anyone to give him shit for this. If you have advice for either of us on how we can do things better for ourselves or future partners, great. Otherwise, please respect us both. It is mourning time for the loss of a great love and the life we had built together. I know he hurt me, but I also know he is feeling the pain of the loss (in some way). So, please do not judge… thank you. I am writing because I want to be heard and loved. I am not writing to damage him in any way. Even though I am so angry with him and hurt, I still love him and believe (and hope) that his intentions were not to hurt me as badly as he did.
Anyhow, Sandy’s eye is twitching right now and she’s doing an Elvis thing with her upper lip. It’s totally cute. Aurora just climbed down to me to visit. I’m a bit antsy, and may try to eat again soon… I get hungry and a bad headache, but then the body rejects good. I wish I could turn the stupid button to “off” but I can’t find it.
Oh well, onto the next moment…