So, after a very long, tearful discussion with John last night, I realized I really needed to work on things in my own life. I feel I’m realizing a lot of my issues, now that we talked; but, I don’t want to ever be that person again – so weak and so unaware. I want to be stronger, more focused, more direct; and, I want to do all of this without holding back or feeling guilty.
That being said, I called my PPO and found out what my Mental Health benefits are, and then looked up people in my network. I made an appointment to meet with a therapist in Glendale for this Saturday morning at 9am.
I plan to work on my feelings of guilt and lack of taking control of what I want. I give control up too easily, and it’s not something I ever did before. It’s something new, that I guess I started doing when I was unhappy at Disney with my abusive manager (a few months before my layoff… late 2007 I guess).
I started becoming more passive and indecisive. I started letting others do what they wanted and just going along for the ride. It was somewhat compromise and somewhat loss of the will to stand up for myself. I had no idea I had become such a mess.
Most of you see me as someone confident and strong. Well, I am. But, when it comes to the things that matter most, I’ve been letting others make those choices for me. Why? No freakin’ clue. That’s why I am going to go to therapy… to find out and change all that for the future!
With John, I didn’t communicate some of my needs with him – out of guilt for taking away his space and time (which he did ask me for and seemed to bring up quite often, even though it was subtle at times). I am quite certain that this guilt stems from me losing my job over and over again, not having money to do the things I wanted to do or save up for a larger place for us, from having to get a roommate (which, in turn, took away even more of his personal space) which made me feel like I couldn’t intrude (even though he wanted me to).
When he seemed or looked happy, I thought I was doing a good thing by backing off and giving him space/time. What he wanted was my love and attention. What I thought he wanted was space/time. I was guided by guilt and fear of getting in the way of what made him happy. Had I known I could make him even happier if I showed him I wanted him all the time, I would have done it. I couldn’t read the signs, and I was (again) blinded by guilt. I should have done what I wanted to do… be with him, all the time!
I’m not saying this is all my fault or that John’s off the hook for me being angry and upset with him. He fucked up by not communicating with me about his unhappiness. He broke his promise to work on this with me and to be my partner through and through. He broke up with me in a really selfish and hurtful way.
What I am doing is taking responsibility for not showing him how much I loved and wanted him. I wish I had a time machine and the knowledge I have now!
Anyhow, that’s where I am… I had no clue what was happening and, again, I thought we were both happy. I would do anything to start over and work together on things to make sure we are both happy and enjoying our life together. I really want the chance to make things right and show John just how much I really want him. I feel so sad this happened to us. I wish he hadn’t given up on me without trying to make it right! 🙁