Depeche Mode – Precious
Precious and fragile things
Need special handling
My God what have we done to You?
We always try to share
The tenderest of care
Now look what we have put You through…
Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we’d manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give
Angels with silver wings
Shouldn’t know suffering
I wish I could take the pain for You
If God has a master plan
That only He understands
I hope it’s Your eyes He’s seeing through
Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we’d manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give
I pray You learn to trust
Have faith in both of us
And keep room in Your heart for two
Things get damaged
Things get broken
I thought we’d manage
But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle
There was so little left to give
=================
Warning: Very long and intimate post:
John & I had our final relationship discussion last night as he packed up the last of his things and took them out of the apartment. We spent the night crying in each others arms and apologizing and talking to one another.
I am glad to have closure on some things, but it does not bring me comfort. There are a few issues that were bothering John, though none of them compared to the final issue (below).
Controlling – I truly believe that John sees, now, that when I seemed to be controlling and overly planning of our date nights and free time, it was only out of love – because I wanted as much time with him as possible. He didn’t realize how much I truly wanted to be with him, until now… too late. I understand why.. when most people complain of plans being changed, it is because they don’t want to lose control. For me, if our plans being changed meant less time with the man I loved, then I would pout a bit or say something that showed I was upset about it. I can see why he thought I was trying to control the situation and his time, but at least he knows now what my intention was… to spend more time with the man I loved!
Passive / Aggressive – When John thought I was being passive / aggressive, it was not that I was agreeing to do or change things that I didn’t want to. If plans would change or a situation would be different than expected, I would honestly consider the options and confidently change my mind. I often just went with the flow. I’m just very laid back, but many people think that laid back people are just holding things in or not saying whats on their mind. Many people actually DO things they don’t want to do to, and go against their wishes. They say, “I’m fine with it.” Not me! I either change my mind and adapt willingly, or fight for what I want. I’m very direct. I know he sees this now. I’m just not like most people I guess… I really CAN change my mind and plans last minute, even though I love to plan. I am pretty flexible, even though I may complain at first. Once I think about things, I easily adaptable to change (as long as the change won’t hurt me or someone I care about).
Marriage – I didn’t want to marry him to be married. I wanted to spend my life with him. I wanted to enjoy precious moments with him forever, deeply in love, happy, and having fun together. He was feeling physical neglect (see below), and thought I was pressuring him into marrying me, all the while believing that I knew we had sexual problems (that I was maybe brushing under the carpet, so to speak). The truth is, I didn’t recognize the problem at hand, and all I wanted was to be with him… married or not. I just envisioned myself growing old with him, happily! He sees this now.
Intimacy / sex – I had no clue that my sex drive was low. I had no clue that I wasn’t showing John I wanted him. He went for months feeling like I didn’t ‘want’ him. I feel truly truly awful about this. It is my biggest regret (even though it is really not my fault). I still wish he could have felt “wanted” and loved at all times!
He did talk to me about it from time to time, and we’d “fix” things. Then, things would fall off again. I WISH he had brought things up to me more severely the 2nd time things fell off (or the 3rd). I WISH he recognized that the problem was probably deeper. He just thought I didn’t want him; yet, I was so happy being with him. I wish he had seen this and delved deeper.
He said he didn’t realize he was feeling unwanted until recently. I do not know how he thought he was ok and could live with this. Still, he loved me and wanted to be with me, so he thought he could overlook this. He was wrong. He should have brought it up to me to the point of REALLY working with me (and helping me) figure out the root of the problem.
The simple truth is that he felt unwanted. It built up for months. He tried talking me about it, but nothing changed for the better. He tried to live with it. He eventually woke up and realized he was very unhappy and didn’t want me anymore. The sad thing is, I wanted him so bad. I wanted to be with him all the time, but my guilt was eating at me (even though I didn’t realize it).
Subconsciously, I was giving him “space” and “control” of his time and energy, allowing HIM to initiate or decide what to do with his time. I didn’t realize I was not showing him I wanted him. I thought he was happy.
The other thing is, and I realized this YESTERDAY, that my birth control pill actually decreases sex drive. In cases all over the Internet, boyfriends and spouses were leaving their women due to this very problem… no initiation and decreased sex drive. In some cases, the people figured it out and worked on things. Some women went off the pill. Some switched to an IUD. Those people reported being very happy now. Still, in so many cases, the sex drive dissipated more and more over the years while being on the pill, especially my particular pill: OTC Lo. This pill, combined with my guilt of taking away his space and time, is what I believe caused me to back-off and not initiate.
It’s not that I didn’t want him. I really really did (and still do). When we were together, I was so happy – in every way. I did make very subtle attempts to initiate, but he didn’t pick them up. I know he wanted me to be more passionate, and so didn’t realize what I was doing. I should have been more direct and forceful, but again… I thought he was just too busy at the time (and happy doing whatever he was doing – reading, writing, relaxing, etc.).
This guilt comes from a long line of unfortunate occurrences. First, I lost three jobs in the past year. When I was working at Disney for the last 7 months, I was very unhappy. During the past year, I was burning through savings and not finding a good job. I was depressed, very depressed. I felt awful for feeling depressed, especially (after December of 2008) when John asked me to please not get depressed again. He suggested I work with Janis on my issues. Well, I did. I was still depressed, but out of fear of upsetting him, I started to focus on going out to more meet-ups and continuing trying to FIND work and build my business. It actually lit a fire under me, and I am glad he said something. I WISH he had been this direct about our sex issues.
So, after a few months, I realized I was almost out of emergency money. I decided that the ONLY way to survive was to get a roommate until I found a good job. Getting a roommate meant taking away the room that John used to do his writing. I felt sooooooooooooooo awful about that. It also meant that we would not be able to be as free in the apartment. It meant an invasion of our space. Not that I don’t love my roommate. She’s awesome, but I really really didn’t want to have anyone intrude upon our special space. I felt so awful about it! 🙁
Now we had a roommate, I was jobless still, and John was spending more and more time working on his projects. I was so happy for him for his creative ideas and all his plans to get things going. So much so that I somehow convinced myself that it was okay to give him full control of his time and space. I felt so guilty taking any of his creative time away, especially since I already took his personal space. I KNOW that he would have welcomed a sexy break; but, I just didn’t feel right interrupting him. He seemed so happy doing what he was doing. I was happy that he was happy. I really felt we would be okay again, and soon too! I also believe the pill and my lower drive kept me from thinking about initiating at times it would actually have been easy to… during TV or random hanging out.
All of these things were working against me, and I had no idea. I had no idea what I was doing to him… to myself, and to us. If I could go back in time, I would have restarted therapy, gone off the pill and tried something else, and we would have been soooooo happy! I am so sad that it is too late. I am so sad that after months of neglect, he woke up and realized he didn’t want me anymore.
We cried and cried last night, both of us scared – both of us wishing it could have been better for us. Still, he said it is too late. I wish he would have given me an opportunity, even if in the form of an ultimatum. I wish I had a chance to delve and look for the root of the problem before it was too late.
It’s so sad that it’s too late. We could have been amazing! We once were! We had so much fun together, and loved doing so many of the same things. Most importantly, we had a love deeper than ever imaginable! It was so intense and wonderful. It is so sad to see all of that ending.
He and I are both very sad right now, and need the friendship of all of you. He and I were deeply in love, and the misunderstandings and situations out of our control tore us apart. It’s very very tragic. I feel good knowing what the causes of our break-up are, but very sad that there’s nothing that I can do to correct them.
I wish he still wanted me. I miss him so much. It will take quite some time for me to heal. I can’t believe all our greatness ended over a misunderstanding and issues I was unaware of with my guilt and pill. I wish he communicated more desperately. I wish he would have fought harder for us. He sadly, didn’t think things would change. I wish he had more faith in us. I guess I just need to see the light and know to trust that I will be better off. Still, I am in mourning for the loss of the happy times we did have (and could have had in the future). 🙁