Arie's World

This past week was pretty damn awesome. I had a wonderful time with my friends, and did a lot of relaxing by the pool.

Monday, 8/3 – Bowling at Lucky Strike with Anne, Lyse, KC, Laury, Hank & Brandon

Tuesday, 8/4 – Wandered the Glendale Galleria with Anne & Lyse, then got free birthday ice cream from Baskin Robins. Spent the evening editing and watching TV.

Wednesday, 8/5 – Disneyland with Lawrence. Went on Screamin’, Soarin’, Tower of Terror, Toy Story, Space Mountain, Buzz Lightyear, Alice in Wonderland, Snow White, Mr. Toad, the Carousel, Thunder Mountain, Pirates, and Indiana Jones. We also saw the 9:25pm fireworks, went to the Blue Sky Cellar (future plans for Disney expansions), and took some pix with some characters. I got home pretty late.

Thursday, 8/6 – I woke up with a really terrible bruise on my leg from walking into a stanchion at Disneyland on Wednesday.

After getting dressed, I went to Downtown LA with Anne on the Red Line Metro. She got jeans and I got short shorts (jeans). We then met up with Lyse for lunch and frozen yogurt. I was supposed to go camping in Jamala Beach with Mike Dorwart, Mike Scharff and Chris Kudan; but, our campground was completely full; so, instead we “camped” at their house in Sylmar all weekend.

I picked up Evaun around 4:30pm, and we headed up to the Palace to go swimming. Emmett came up after work. Mike D’s friend Synda was visiting from Boston too. We grilled up dinner (port-shroom for me), went into the hot tub, roasted shmellows over the fire (made s’mores), and watched some episodes of the Simpsons.

Evaun, Stuart & Jenni, Making S’mores!

Adam, Greg & I

Friday, 8/7 – Went up to the Palace and watched some episodes of Dexter with everyone. Went swimming, then left to pick up Greg from Burbank airport. Got back to the Palace in time for dinner – grilled up dinner (I had another port-shroom). Went into the hot tub, made s’mores, then watched Return to Oz while some people played poker.

Synda & Scharff, Having a Water Fight

This was a very fun night. Josh & Jul came up, Josef came up, Ryan & Heath came up. Even John was at the party on Friday night. I was perfectly fine with seeing him. I realized that I am in a place where I can be around him without getting upset. I no longer miss him or have feelings of longing for what could have been. I am at the point where I can see clearly, and I can see that he was not the amazing boyfriend I once thought he was. Well, they say love is blind. Thankfully, I am no longer blind; and, I no longer love him.

To me, he is now a friendly acquaintance, and we share custody of our cat, Sandy. He is a great father to our cats. He loves them very much, and they love him; so, because of that and our mutual friends, he will remain a part of my life. I can handle that. There’s a part of me that still feels a bit of self-pity stemming from the pain he caused me when he walked out on me and from the years of my life that I can never have back, but those feelings of self-pity and anger will continue to fade… so they say.

Saturday, 8/8 – Picked up Evaun and went to Target and Sports Authority looking for ear plugs. Got brunch at Noah’s Bagels on the way up to the Palace. Watched some Dexter, then went swimming. Scharff & I spent lots of time diving for colored sticks, then racing across the pool on foam noodles. Eventually, Synda joined us and she and Scharff ended up fighting with noodles for almost 3 hours.

Later on, Evaun went upstairs to play an online fighting game on the XBox and Emmett continued to work on Fury of Solace and Bumps in the Night. The rest of us made dinner. Mike D’s couscous was incredible!!! Throughout the day, we watched more episodes of Dexter, Monster’s Inc, the Lorax, and Coraline.

Sunday, 8/9 – Hung out with the kitties all morning, then went up the Palace around 2pm. Watched some episodes of Dexter, then went in the pool. Violet joined us. I am so happy she’s home! It was good to see and catch up with her. Mike, Mike & I dove for colored sticks (and a ring) for a while, then I laid out in the sun for a bit talking to Jimmy & Violet.

Spent the day snacking on clementines. While cooking, we watched some episodes of the Simpsons. Synda made some very yummy cashew “chicken” dinner with veggies (using Tempeh for me). It was soooo good! I made some baked bread with mozz cheese, fresh basil, tomato, and olive oil. Jimmy made awesome oatmeal / chocolate chip cookies for dessert! Yum!

I ended the night watching Discovery Channel shows (Tornadoes, then Lightning) with Mike, Mike & Chris. The lightning show was truly incredible! Try to find it on On-Demand if you can!!! Everyone went into the hot tub when I left, but I needed to get home to feed the kids. They should be done eating now… brb.

It was a really great weekend. I was sad that we didn’t get to go camping, but it was really nice to spend such quality time with great friends in such a relaxing and fun environment.

Tags: mike_dorwart, mike_scharff, palace, pool, sylmar

Aug 03 2009

Birthday Week – I’m 32 Now!

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I celebrated my birthday pretty much all week.

Monday, 7/27: Bowling at Lucky Strike.

Tuesday, 7/28: Six Flags with Laurel & Chris. We got onto lots of great coasters on the right-hand side of the park!

Later that night, I celebrated my birthday at Springbok with my friends during Trivia.

Wednesday, 7/29: I met up with my new friend, Lawrence, in Downtown LA to scout out great places to shoot bridal photos for our clients.

Lawrence with off-camera flash

Making daylight look like darkness

Downtown Industrial Area

Thursday, 7/30: My birthday!!! I spent the afternoon with Mike Scharff and Evaun at PSP at the pool. We also watched Happy Gilmore!

Later that night, I went to dinner with dad, Lyse, & KC at Good Earth. After dinner, dad, Lyse & I went to see UP! I loved it, but it wasn’t as good as Bolt. 🙂

Friday, 7/31: Drove to Pacific Palisades to do a wedding at 10am, then had a job interview at 2pm in Pasadena. I think it went well, but I don’t think I’ll take it. They do not allow off from 10/15 through 1/15 for any employee, and that doesn’t work for me. In my life, my friends and family are my world… and if I can’t go to see them for the holidays, then what am I living for? I’ll keep looking.

At 6pm, I performed and photographed a wedding in Pasadena for this wonderful couple, Liz & Mark.

Later that night, Megan, Maria & I had pizza, apple pie, and watched Psych!

Saturday, 8/1: Performed a wedding at 10am in Pasadena. It was at the house of the LA Philharmonic conductor. Beautiful place!!! The couple was amazing. They have only known each other for a month, but have each been married before. They are soooo in love and just know that this is the real thing… forever! I am so happy for them. Their vows were so incredible! There were world famous members of the LA Phil and NY Phil playing the wedding! Really fantastic!

At 5pm, I performed a wedding on Santa Monica beach for this sweet and fun couple, Leslie & Brian. I loved their friends and families, and had a great time helping them get ready and organized for their wedding. Sadly, they didn’t have a wedding photographer at all. I snapped a few photos with my dink camera.

At 9pm, I met up with tons of great friends for dinner and karaoke at Koji’s. See Facebook for photos! Shabu Shabu was great, and I am so grateful that so many people joined me! We had some drinks, sang some songs. I sang Toad’s Whatever I Fear then Nelson’s Love & Affection (with Lyse). The highlights were getting a Disney annual pass and Brooke & Justin singing El DeBarge’s Rhythm of the Night and everyone dancing! It was awesome!!! After Koji’s closed, many of us went over to Mel’s for a late night snack. 🙂

Sunday, 8/2: Ryan & I went to the Ahmanson Theater to see Spamalot. It was hilarious and awesome! I loved it. During intermission, I downed 2 cups of coffee because I was living off little sleep. After the show, I downed one more cup of coffee. Haha.

At 4:30pm, my friend Lawrence & I went to Pasadena to photograph this beautiful couple for their day-after shoot. The Pasadena Playhouse saw us lurking outside, and they invited us in to photograph inside. I mostly assisted Lawrence (his clients) with lighting, but I snapped a few shots during the evenings. Here’s my favorite!

After the shoot, Lawrence & I went to the Daily Grill. I got Mac/Cheese & Spinach. We then hung out til 1am chatting and looking at photos. It was a really awesome birthday week!! Thank you everyone for everything!!!

Tags: birthday, koji's, officiating, photography, six flags, spamalot

Jul 26 2009

Summer Weekend Fun

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Friday – July 24: Spent the day in pj’s, then got ready and headed over to Corey’s to pick him up to go to karaoke at The Barrel. Adrienne had a table saved for us. I sang a new song (for me): Snow Patrol – Hands Open. It went well. We went to Mel’s Drive-In for a late night snack before calling it a night after 3am. Great times!

Saturday – July 25: Nicole & Josh came over to get copies of their wedding photos. At 4pm, I headed to Pasadena for a wedding I was Officiating. I helped set up the sand-combining table and organized the wedding party for the processional. The ceremony went beautifully, and I hung out at the wedding for a few hours for dinner and socializing. I met some very cool people. 🙂

Pix courtesy of Lawrence Lau

Later that night, I met up with Violet & Tim at a party in Van Nuys. I had a really nice time, but I was pretty damn tired. Left there at 1am.

Sunday – July 26: Woke up to Mike D’s text, and got a shower. Headed to Gelson’s Market (best grocery store ever) and picked Evaun up some soup. He traded me birthday / Comic-Con gifts. He got me the most amazing gifts from the Con! One is a T-Shirt that is a camera with colors and fun coming out of it. The other is a bronze flying cat pendant / necklace… so pretty! These gifts are so ME! Thank you so much, Evaun!

Around 2pm, I got to the Palace to go swimming and hang out by the pool. Corey and Mike D were already cutting up veggies for calzones when I got there. Violet arrived shortly afterward. We all enjoyed some time in the pool before making customized home-made calzones! They were soooooooooooooooo yummy!

During lunch, we watched the Borne Identity. Violet left in the middle and Corey left after it ended. Mike & I then watched Gattaca (one of my favorites). We hung out, looking at Philly pix for a bit, then I headed home around 11:30pm or so.

Tomorrow – Hanging out with Lyse at 2pm, then probably going to Industry night bowling at Lucky Strike later in the night. I plan to spend most of the morning job hunting. Is there something out there for me?

Tags: calzone, karaoke, party, pool, wedding

Jul 22 2009

Home is Where the Kitties Are

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I’m back in LA now, and I’m feeling a bit off. I am so happy to be home with my kitties and my things, but I feel very lost right now. I’m not depressed, thankfully; but, I am experiencing a deep longing for the freedom I felt last week. I had no responsibilities other than to eat, sleep, and breathe. I wandered the streets of NJ, PA, and NY with almost no obligation. I took pictures, hung out with friends, ate great food, took long walks, and slept very well.

I got home last night and Josef picked me up at BUR airport. We went straight to trivia. It was fun, and my team came in 2nd. Still, I didn’t feel quite right. Once I got home, I was thrilled to see and pet the kitties. Going to sleep was another story. I was dead tired and though I was happy to be in my own bed, I couldn’t sleep well. After a week of sleeping great, I thought sleep would be even easier being home… wrong! I woke up about 4 times last night about 2 hours apart each. I tossed and turned all night. I just wasn’t comfortable.

When I woke up, all I wanted was to return to vacation… return to freedom. It hovered over me so much that I spent the day in a very odd zoned-out head-space. I didn’t shower or change clothes. I just returned emails, started editing wedding photos, put up some pix from my trip, played on FB, watched CNN, and zoned out for a while with the cats.

I couldn’t bring myself to job hunt today, but tomorrow I really need to get on it. Real life is happening even if I would like to put things on hold for a few more weeks. Bills are still coming…

I think I’m also bothered that I’m not going to Comic-Con. Many of my friends are going, and I had such a wonderful time the past two years that I went. I would love to be there! Some of my friends are already there! I’m beyond envious. I have a wedding this Saturday, and income is vital at this point; so, it was worth skipping the Con this year. Still, I am sad I can’t be there. I hope everyone has a wonderful time, and I hope some of them think of me while they are there! 🙂

So, my pix are updated at: www.mirdonamy.com/photos, but here are a few from the past few days:

July 19: Went to Pittsburgh after Mike & Brooke’s wedding and roamed the city. Met up for lunch with Lyse, KC, Angela, Mark, Mike, Justin, John, & Dave at Primanti Bros. Lyse drove KC & I back to Cherry Hill on the Turnpike, and we had dinner at Ponzio’s before heading back to the house.

July 20: Went to the Mutter Museum in Philly with Lyse & KC. Lois picked us up from the Speedline and took me to get a Panzarotti. Then, we met up for dinner with with Viv & Faye at Ponzio’s. After, we went to Cherry’s for water ice. Once back at the house, I packed to head home.

July 21: Woke up with my bedding everywhere, yet I still slept well. Went to breakfast at Dunkin’ Donuts, then to TLC to see Viv and have my underarm hair lasered off, then to Chinatown for lunch, then got dropped off at PHL airport to head home to LA (flight delayed a bit).

Tags: comic-con, vacation

Jul 19 2009

Groundhogs, Deer, & Fireflies – Oh My!

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Thurs – July 16th: My cousin Lois picked me up and took me to Ponzio’s for breakfast. Then, we went into Philly and walked around Chinatown, Reading Market, & South Street. I got a mani/pedicure on 4th, after going to the Famous 4th Street Deli and Digital Ferret (music store: got the new Project Pitchfork CD).

Once back in NJ, we picked up Faye (Lois’ sister) and went to Franco’s Place for Panzarotti’s. YUM! It stormed and I got to see lightening!

After dinner, we hung out with Vivienne & Gabriel for a bit, then they headed out. Viv, Gabe & I watched “New in Town” before bed.

Fri – July 17th: Enterprise picked me up at 12pm and I got the rental car to head to Pittsburgh. I had lunch with Susan (Emmett’s mom) at Friday’s, then drove the PA Turnpike (76) for hours!!!

I took a nap at the oldest rest top in the country, then continued my drive. I got to the Marriott around 9:45pm. I passed out in Lyse, KC, Gavin & Heather’s room for a bit before joining everyone downstairs at the bar. Justin invited me to crash in his room at the Sheraton down the street (where I’d have my own bed), and I happily took him up on that!

Sat – July 18th: Justin & I went to Dunkin’ Donuts for breakfast, then to Walmart, then Dollar Tree, then Marshall’s, then Dress Barn (looking for a jacket for me to go with my dress). Finally found one at Dress Barn! It was super cute!! Justin met up with everyone at the Marriott, and I headed to Gibsonia to meet up with Brooke.

Photographed Brooke & the bridesmaids getting ready, then took pix at the ceremony and some group pix after. I had an amazing time at the wedding! Mike & Brooke looked amazing, and their ceremony was so beautiful! The venue was so serene and secluded!

The ceremony was outdoors and in beautiful weather. Once in the reception, it rained lightly, leaving behind a beautiful rainbow! Later in the night, we saw hundreds of fireflies, a few deer, some bats, and a pretty sunset!

I spent most of the night on the dance-floor and hanging out with Heather, Gavin, Lyse, KC, Ankur, Angela, Mark, Mike W. Nate, Justin, Casey, and the official photographer. I met some great new people too!

After the wedding, we all ended up at Quaker Stake & Lube in Cranberry, PA. We were definitely in Steeler’s Country! I texted Greg, and he told me he’d only been to that bar over a million times! There was some fun karaoke going on and lots of people were drinking giant vats of beer. Crazy times!

Around 2:20am, I headed back to the hotel and Justin came in 40 min later. We looked through pix, and each of us passed out shortly after 3:30am.

Sun – July 19th: Wandered around Pittsburgh in the morning, some some sights: bridges, PNC Park, the Strip, the lookout, downtown… Very cool city! Very beautiful! Met up with Lyse, KC, Angela, Mark, Mike W., Justin, John, & Dave for lunch at Market Square at Primanti’s. I got cheese fries & a rootbeer.

After lunch, KC, Lyse & I headed back down the Turnpike to Cherry Hill, NJ. I saw lots of groundhogs, a few hawks, a deer, hundreds of silos, many barns, and lots of grassy knolls. I slept most of the way back. Lyse drove.

Once back in Cherry Hill, we met up with Viv & Gabe for dinner at Ponzio’s, then went to Sprinkle’s for some frozen yogurt. Back at the house, I imported pix into Lightroom from both weddings, and have been watching Pump Up the Volume on tv. Lyse & KC just went up to bed, and I’m about to crash myself…

Tomorrow, we’re planning to go to the Mutter Museum in Philly, then to Ponzio’s (again) for dinner. I hope to also get some water ice tomorrow night. I head home on Tuesday. I have had such a great vacation! I wish I didn’t have to go back yet, but I do really miss my kitties!!!

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Jul 15 2009

Active Rest Time

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I’ve been having a great time on vacation; and, even though I’ve been extremely busy, I am getting the much needed rest I came here for! Recap…

Thurs – July 9: Flew LAX with my new friend, Troy, to Baltimore, MD. We had a large man between us on the plane, but I still managed to get some sleep.

Fri – July 10: Arrived in Baltimore and learned that Air Tran broke my luggage handle right off! They wouldn’t do anything about it either. I was so pissed. Troy rigged up my luggage to be “pullable” but it still isn’t easy.

Got our rental car and headed to Dunkin Donuts immediately! I got my favorite combo # 3 (coffee/cream/sugar and a poppy seed bagel with veggie cream cheese). I drove most of the way to Snow Hill, MD.

Arrived at Nicole’s mom & step-dad’s house and took a nap in Nicole’s bed as she sobered up from her bachelorette party the night before.

Got up and ready for rehearsal, had a great rehearsal and tested lighting, then went to Josh’s mom’s house for dinner. I had the best cake ever!!! After dinner, went back to Nicole’s and passed out in my attic bedroom. It was very cool staying in such an old house (Samuel Gunn House of the 1700s).

Sat – July 11: Got up and got ready for the wedding. I photographed the entire day. The wedding was so beautiful, and Nicole & Josh looked incredible! Nicole’s dress was one of the most beautiful dresses I’d ever seen! I took so many pix!

After the wedding, Troy drove me to the Sleep Inn where we both had rooms. We had a cake and TV party in my room as I downloaded pix to my passport drive. We chatted til 4am, then I decided it was time to sleep.

Sun – July 12: Got up pretty early so that I could make check-out and get to my bus on time. Called Troy to wake him up, but he fell back asleep. We did make it out just a few minutes before check-out time. He drove me to the bus station, but sadly I didn’t find a Dunkin Donuts on the way. Boo!

I was able to catch an early bus to Mt. Laurel, NJ with a transfer in Wilmington, DE and then another in Philadelphia, PA. I finally got to Viv’s house around 4pm or so. I was dead tired, but stayed up to go out to dinner (Greek food) and watch a movie with her and her boyfriend, Gabriel. We watched Balls of Fury (which I had already seen, and once was enough to be honest)!

Mon – July 13: Got up around 9:30am and Gabriel & I went to Dunkin Donuts then Best Buy. I got a 2nd Passport drive to back up my photos (500 gigs for only $119)! Then, went to Viv’s office for a bit to use the Internet. 🙂

At 2pm, I caught the 457 bus to the Speedline to Philly to meet up with Mike Dorwart. We wandered over to the Liberty Bell, then to Independence Hall, then all around the Historic area. We made our way to South Street for dinner and window shopping, then to City Hall and the LOVE fountain for pix just after dusk. We had an awesome day! Click here for pix!

I caught the 10pm Speedline back to Woodcrest, NJ and Viv / Gabriel picked me up. I packed for NY and passed out around 1am.

Tues – July 14: Woke up early and Gabriel dropped me off at the Mt. Laurel bus station (Greyhound) to go to NY. I got in around 12:30pm, then walked a few blocks to Zen Palate to meet up with Adam Robbins for lunch. The food was so freakin’ good! Adam & I then wandered around the city, visiting Bryant Park and SoHo.

Around 5:30pm, I met up with Drew in Union Square for an hour or so to chat and catch up. We hung out in the park by a statue.

At 7:30pm, I caught the subway to Queens to go to Megg’s apartment. I dropped my things off there and the two of us headed back into the city (Times Square) to have dinner (NY pizza) and dessert (NY cheesecake and coffee). The cheesecake was fantastic! It was at a place called Junior’s in the theater district. I highly recommend it! We sat on the patio and the wind was blowing wildly. It was so nice!

After dessert, we walked over to Regal to get in line for Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince. The line was around the block, but we only had to wait about an hour and a half before going inside. The movie was awesome. I loved it! I think this may be my favorite yet, even though I think it could have been another hour longer (3hrs was not enough to cover everything)! Haha.

We left the theater around 3am and got back to Megg’s just before 4am. I slept on her couch and woke up at 10am.

Wed – July 15: I got ready and headed to Dunkin Donuts (I should be a sponsor)! I then caught the 7 to the city, and met up with my friends Naji & Andrea for lunch around 29th (Mustang Harry’s). After lunch, I took some pix around Times Square and then got on the 3pm bus at Port Authority to Mt. Laurel, NJ.

Once back at Viv’s, I downloaded pix and relaxed til Viv came home. We ate dinner at home, then went to Sprinkle’s Frozen Yogurt (like Yogurtiers in Burbank) for dessert. We rented Rachel Getting Married (which was very slow, but also quite good). Anne Hathaway did a damn good job in her role as Kym. I didn’t have a dysfunctional family life like her character’s, but I do relate to her emotion and the way she spills her guts and then tries not to feel guilty about it all though she does. After the movie, I came upstairs to edit some pix.

Tomorrow, I am going out with my 2nd cousin, Lois, to get breakfast at Ponzio’s, then we may go into Philly. 🙂

Tags: dunkin donuts, harry potter, new york, philadelphia

Jul 08 2009

Medicated World – Day 8

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So, most of my side effects are gone. I’m still unable to sit still without tapping or swaying my foot, I’m still slightly tired within 30 min of taking my meds, and I do have a slight metallic taste in my mouth; but, overall, I’m adjusting well. I have been in a good mood and able to accomplish much more than I normally can.

Yesterday, I did laundry, rearranged the clothes in my closet, did the dishes, scooped the litter, cleaned off my passport drive, made a packing list and went to Bar Trivia.

Today, I burned a few CDs, went to the post office to mail them, picked up cat food / meds at Bastet, and started packing. I will try to finish packing clothes by the end of the night. I’ll pack electronics tomorrow morning.

Josef is taking me to the Van Nuys Fly Away on Thursday night and Megan is cat sitting for the weekend. I’m very excited to be photographing Nicole & Josh’s wedding this weekend. I hope the weather is nice in Snow Hill, MD.

I’ll check in from the East Coast in a few days! 🙂

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Jul 05 2009

Independence Weekend

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So, this weekend was all about fun and freedom. Being medicated, I was able to have fun, freely! I wasn’t trapped by bad dreams or pain all weekend. I actually had a lot of fun! I am getting used to Lexapro. My only side effects that still linger are the metallic taste in my mouth, being tired, and the inability to stay still (my feet or hands are constantly moving). Otherwise, I have been much more balanced and focused. I have been able to keep the thoughts in my head from taking over my physical and emotional self.

On Friday, I headed up to the Palace to hang out for the afternoon. Ended up staying til 2am. Gigi came up too. We played jellyfish frisbee in the pool (all lights out with an LED frisbee). It was a super fun and relaxing day!

Saturday, Gigi & I drove up to the Palace around 1pm, went back in the pool and hot tub, playing more frisbee and swimming around. It was great to spend the day with Scharff, Dorwart, Emmett, Matt, Gigi, Josef, Jenni, Stuart, Kudan, Violet, Charity & Brian. We also grilled some mushrooms and pineapple with cinnamon! So yummy!

Around 5pm, I drove out to San Dimas to see my sister and dad at KC’s aunt’s house. KC’s entire family was there (or so it seemed). It was a very beautiful home and the view was incredible. It was quite cold outside, so I spent most of the evening under a very warm blanket. 🙂 After fireworks, I drove back to Palace in Sylmar. Gigi had gone home around 7pm or so to feed the cats. Once back at the Palace, I got back in the hot tub for a bit. It was very relaxing. I stuck around til 2am or so. By then, Greg, Sara, and Corey were there.

I spent most of Sunday resting. I stayed in bed til 11am, even though I woke up around 9am. I then napped on the couch on and off until 3:30pm, when I had to get up and leave to meet up with a client. I was gone for an hour, then came home and passed back out for a few hours. Once awake, I headed over to Adam’s to hang out with him, Celeste, Eamon, Evaun, Violet, Josef, Jenni & Stuart. I had a grilled cheese and a s’more! At the end of the night, we played Taboo.

Tomorrow, I am meeting Sara at 9am in Burbank to do her headshots. Here are some pix from the 4th!
http://www.mirdonamy.com/photos/thumbnails-364.html

Tags: 4th of July, headshots, independence day, palace, photography, pool

Jul 02 2009

The World I Know

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I started taking Lexapro yesterday. I fought the idea of taking anti-depressants for so very long. I had seen way too many people lose their creativity, lose their passion, lose their motivation, and become somewhat numb. I didn’t want to be like them. So, I tried really hard to manage depression on my own by talking to people, taking pictures of the beautiful world, not holding back tears, going out with friends to stay busy, and writing…. well, it’s not enough.

On Tuesday, I broke. I snapped. I lost it. I couldn’t function, and I needed help. I asked for help. I got it. I accepted help. I took advice. So now, I am on Lexapro and planning a trip back East to visit my aunt for a week to get away from it all. I’m not job hunting right now. I am not stressing about anything right now. If I need to lay down, that’s what I’ll do. If I need to watch TV, that’s what I’ll do. I am not going to force myself into a panic due to overwhelming obligations. I do have to go downstairs and pay rent. I do have to burn a CD and mail it, but I will try to get help with that later tonight. For now, I’m just breathing and trying to relax.

Lexapro has mixed reviews. I had a friend call me from FL who has been on it for awhile now. He had all the same symptoms as I am going through: numb teeth, tinny / metallic taste in my mouth, super fast heartbeat (that scared me), shakiness, anxiousness, inability to focus, light-headedness, tiredness, dehydration, and loss of appetite.

Yesterday, after my first 10mg pill, within half an hour, my symptoms started. I felt like I had a hangover in a way. I was useless to get up off the couch for hours and hours. By night, Bobby came by and I was able to walk to get frozen yogurt, which helped too.

Last night, I went to sleep around 11:30pm. I woke up just before 5am, but wasn’t as emotional or panicked as normal, even though I was still reviewing sad things in my head. I practiced breathing, and tossed and turned for quite some time. I was hot, then cold, then hot, then cold. I turned down the air, but was still hot. I stayed in bed regardless. I know I needed rest, so I just laid there. Laying there did actually help, even though I didn’t fall back asleep.

Around 8:45am, I got up to feed the cats and made a 1/2 bowl of cereal. I ate most of it. Then, I took my 2nd dose of Lexapro. The side effects began about 45 minutes later. They are not as strong as yesterday, as I am actually able to type and stare at the computer. My foot won’t stay still though, at all. My mouth tastes metallic. I’m slightly weary and light-headed; but, other than that, I think I’m better today.

I think I will adjust soon. My biggest concern lately has been my health. I haven’t wanted to eat and I can’t seem to sleep. I just hope the meds will get me functioning again; and, if it does that, then I can start to recover in other ways and deal with the issues causing me the most stress and sadness.

My greatest worry is become two different people: Arie on meds and Arie off meds. How do you build relationships when you are two different people? And, what if the people that you interact with like the medicated Arie better? How will that affect me? What if I ever go off these? I do plan on it, after 6 months or so. These are very heavy concerns of mine, but I guess I’ll just have to see. I definitely don’t want to stay on these forever just to keep up approval of those around me. I want to be loved for me, but I know I have a lot of baggage that gets strewn about everywhere when I talk to people.

I am certain people will be happier to see me happy, but is it a false happiness? Is it real because I’ve made it real (with the aid of meds)? What is real or fake when it comes to being yourself on and off medication? This is a new mental place for me, and one I have avoided for years. I’ve definitely got mixed emotions about it, and I am scared people will like me better on meds. I am scared that I will not want to go off them for that reason. I am scared of losing the natural state of me, even though I am not able to handle that “me” right now.

It’s very odd. Even as I write this, I am somewhat “whatever” about it. I guess I’ve kinda thrown my hands up in the air. My options are limited, so I just have to go down this path for a while and see what happens. Wish me luck!

Tags: depression, lexapro, meds

Jul 01 2009

Sandy Spoke to Me This Morning

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I had two dreams last night. One was not so good, but the 2nd was very helpful… it was Sandy, speaking to me.

In my dream, I was on my right side, curled up in bed. Sandy was sitting in front of me, looking at me with her big gorgeous green eyes. She started speaking to me, but not with her mouth… just with her mind. Her eyes and nods went along with every word she said to me. What she said was very helpful. Though I have heard it before, coming from Sandy made it very real:

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Mom,
* Dad loved you conditionally. You loved him unconditionally.
* Dad loved you with part of his heart. You loved him with all of your heart.
* Dad kept things inside and didn’t communicate with you. You shared every concern and thought with him.
* Dad convinced himself that he should pretend things are okay, even if he was upset because he thought things would work themselves out on their own. You never pretended around him. You showed him every emotion the moment you had it.

You were right and remembered correctly that when dad came over to talk to you, he recognized and acknowledged that all of the other concerns and issues he had were misunderstandings and quite trivial in the long-run. When you asked him, “so, you agree that I was not being controlling but just wanted to spend more time with you, and that I was not actually rigid in my plans, I just had to take a minute to adjust to the change before deciding to go along with a new plan?” He said, “yes, I just didn’t see it before.” Then you asked, “so, the only real issue comes down to you not feeling wanted?” He said, “yes.” So, you see mom, him feeling like you weren’t “right for each other” is only because he’s creating that reasoning now. He did not lie when he agreed that the only problem you were having was him feeling a lack of intimacy. He only recently has created reasons to believe you weren’t right together in order to justify him leaving and he’s making small things much larger than they were. It is his way of staying sane while feeling guilty.

You did believe the two of you were happy and perfect because that is what he showed you. He never showed you any signs that he was unhappy or thought the two of you weren’t the greatest couple on earth. You could not have known. Mom, this is NOT your fault. He left you because he is not capable of loving another human being until he learns to become selfless and secure deep in his heart. The love he has is a form of love, but it is not the love you need. It is not very powerful and will not fulfill you. He is not capable of fulfilling anyone right now. He has to become selfless and learn how to trust.

I watched you mom, and I know your heart. Don’t doubt yourself, ever. You were loving, loyal, kind, considerate, appreciative, respectful, honest, passionate, open-minded, helping, trusting, giving, and upfront. You are the perfect mom and the perfect wife for any man lucky enough to marry you. Dad is far from perfect, but I love him. You are the one who made him perfect. You made him happy, you had confidence in him and believed in him. You saw the best in him and made him shine. Without you, he will be lost. Nobody will be able to find him until he wants to be found. Once he is ready to be found, it will be someone else who will find him because you will not even be looking for him anymore at that point. It is going to take him a very very long time to become the man he will eventually want to be and a man worthy of your love; but, by then, you won’t love him anymore, not even a little. I know you don’t believe me right now, but I know this. The universe is speaking through me as a channel. He will love you and regret the pain he caused you for much longer than you will even think of him. Dad does not recognize when things are great. He creates problems where there are none because he is not ready to be happy in aspects of love. Again, he is not selfless yet.

You are ready, and when your pain subsides a bit, you will be capable of being an amazing partner to whomever you chose to love. You do know what love is, unconditional love, passionate love, universal love. Dad doesn’t know what love is yet. He lives in box and didn’t let you in. He doesn’t trust others. He doesn’t trust himself. You didn’t see the box because he didn’t show you.

Mom, the one thing I want you to know is that, when you look back, you will only see things as he wanted you to see them. He wanted to be perfect in your eyes. He wanted to make you happy. So, that is what he showed you. You could not have known he was hiding such a deep darkness inside, because he never let you in. Mom, you are not to blame. I love you. I promise you that you did everything right. You loved him, you cared about him, you did everything to help him and be there for him. I know you put pressure on yourself for having physical issues and neurological issues; but, you can not convince yourself that you had control over those. You did not. You weren’t even aware of these things, and dad did not help you become aware of them. Just mentioning things is not enough, and that is all he did. Just like you have been saying, “love is the driving force behind the energy needed to work through tough times.” Though he believes he is, dad is not capable of that kind of love yet. You believed that he was, and this is very beautiful of you. You see potential in others, and that is very precious. So, trust me… this was not your fault. I will repeat this to you every night if I must. It is not your fault, mom.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

When I opened my eyes, I was indeed laying on my right hand side and Sandy was sitting right in front of me… looking at me with her big beautiful green eyes. She chirped at me as soon as I looked at her. I love her so much, and I am so thankful to have her in my life. She really is incredible and I feel so connected to her.

So, today is a new day. I start my Lexapro today, and I hope it helps me sleep and stay level. I’ve never been on anti-depressants before; but, I think that I need some help getting through all the tough times right now. A lot is happening at once, and I am not at my strongest to fight it all on my own. Yesterday, I didn’t think I’d get through this. Today, with the help of Lyse, Jay, Gavin, Heather, Bobby and the kitties, I think I’ll be ok. It’s just going to be slower than I’d like.

Tags: dream

Jul 01 2009

Break in Down Again

Categories:

I had a really really bad breakdown today. I woke up at 2:30am or so with my usual nightmare of John breaking up with me. I live it over and over every night. You’d think it would get easier by now, but I think it’s getting worse.

The lack of sleep I’m getting from waking up every night to terrible dreams (and not being able to fall back asleep) is causing me to physically break down. On top of that, depression sets in to make matters worse and I can’t eat. I am well aware that I need to sleep and eat. I am well aware that I will be okay one day. I am well aware that I will meet someone one day who really does love me. Right now, however, I am deeply sad.

Love is the driving force behind relationships. When there is love, there is communication. When there is love, there is respect. When there is love, there is trust. When there is love, there is openness. When there is love, there is the NEED to try to make things work at all costs. I’m not talking about the love between friends. I’m talking about the love that two people in a romantic relationship share and thrive upon.

John still claims he loved me; but, I don’t believe him. I talked to a few people today about love and how things played out, and the consensus is that he did not love me. He may have believed he loved me, but it’s not the same thing. This kind of love (the love that I had for him) is so special and deep. This kind of love is the love you can’t do without. Love is something you live and die for. Love is the driving force behind the energy it takes to get through tough times. When there is love, you can do anything!

John did not love me. I am sad I spent over 2 years believing he did. He told me today that “we weren’t right together.” He believes I’ll see it someday when I look back on our relationship; but, the honest truth is I will never see it by looking back. I can only see it by looking at him now and knowing that he did not love me and that he was incapable of keeping his promises to me. When I look back at our relationship, I see two people who were so happy and had so much fun together. I see two people who had so much in common and who enjoyed doing almost everything together. I see two people who loved to travel and explore together. I see two people who were deep and full of passion for one another. I see two people who looked deep into each other’s eyes and souls and said, “hi” as if welcoming each other into a very special place in our hearts. I do not see anything in our history that shows me we weren’t right. The only thing not right about us is the fact that he didn’t love me and didn’t want to work things out with me (for some unknown reason). The thing that is not right is that he believes it was not right, but has no clue “why.”

If two people are not right together, you know! You know before 2.75 years passes by. In fact, if someone feels that things aren’t right, they act distant and concerned. They show signs. They talk to their partner about something being off. He didn’t do any of those things. He pretended things were perfect and wonderful through the morning of the day he left me.

He also told me today that “we were not perfect and happy until the end and you need to see that from your perspective.” What?! From MY perspective, we were 100% happy and looking towards a wonderful future together. I was sooooooooooo happy when I was with him. I thought we were the perfect couple. We never really fought. We’d talk things out when we were sad or concerned. We enjoyed 99% of everything we did together. We had deep passion for one another. We loved so many of the same things. We had very similar beliefs about life and people and society. We had the same passion for our kitties as one another. We looked forward to seeing each other every single day and holding each other. Well, at least I thought we did. From MY perspective, this is what it looked like. I was lead to believe every one of these things as he never showed any signs to concern me otherwise.

If he wasn’t happy and didn’t think we were a perfect couple, then he didn’t love me the way I loved him. He loved me like a friend, not like a romantic partner that you’d want to spend your whole life with. If he wasn’t happy, he should have talked to me. He should have communicated his unhappiness and concerns to me. He should have discussed and worked to resolve things with me the moment he realized things weren’t perfect from his perspective.

From mine, I was so happy that I had no concerns. I was so happy with him that I saw us getting married and living a wonderful life together. I knew he was busy with BITN and other stuff. I respected that. I knew he was working on lots of projects and helping others with theirs. I was very respectful of that too. It was not a cause for concern to me. I just “knew” in my heart that he’d be successful and we’d have all the time in the world to spend together – for the rest of our lives. I had NO concerns about us. It wasn’t til after he left me that money and his lack of communication about these feelings became an issue. While we were together, I had no worries about money as I thought we were a couple and would be combining it anyhow down the road. When we were a couple, I thought he WAS communicating with me.

I am really upset with him for leading me on for so long. I am really mad at him for staying in a relationship with me for as long as he did if he wasn’t happy. I am furious with him for not addressing his concerns with me and working to resolve them when they arose. That is NOT love! That is selfishness and a lack of respect. For that, I am truly and deeply angry with him… He lead me to believe we were amazing. He “acted” so happy around me. He treated me as if we were going to be together forever. He even emailed me pictures of wedding bands he liked. He even went with me from store to store looking for the perfect trillion engagement ring for me. Is that the sign of someone who is unhappy and believes we weren’t right together? Hell no!

The reason I am so emotional about this subject is because I feel betrayed, taken advantage of, lied to, mislead, deceived, and disrespected.

To everyone out there, don’t ever tell your partner you love them and want to spend the rest of your life with them if you aren’t willing to communicate with them, trust them, and work through the hard times together through thick and thin. Don’t ever do this to someone. I did not deserve to have this done to me, and I am filled with anger and resentment due to how I was treated. Anyone in my shoes would be!

No matter what he says to me, he will never convince me he truly and deeply loved me. I believe he loved me like a friend; but, that is not what we were. We were in a committed, deep, and long-term relationship. We lived together. We adopted a cat together. With this kind of commitment, you can’t just walk away. You communicate and work things out, or don’t get in this deep in the first place. The fact that he did all these things makes me believe he didn’t consider the consequences, which is NOT a respectful thing to do in a relationship. If you are going to move in with someone and adopt a kid with them, you better be planning a future with them and be willing to work through concerns and not hide anything from your partner.

I don’t even know what else to say. I don’t think I can ever forgive him for this…

Tags: love

Jun 28 2009

I’m a Young Gun

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I really wish I could go back in time to the old west for a vacation. I hate that I am limited to visiting places in the present time period. I want to experience different cultures that are long gone. It’d be nice if my dreams took me there at least, but that never happens.

Right now, it’s 7:31pm, and I am pretty sick. I have a cold (sore throat, sinus pressure, exhaustion, sore muscles, weakness, etc.). The shitty thing is, it came on today and I start work tomorrow. I hope it’s a 24hr thing and that I’m better by tomorrow.

I hope I do well at work tomorrow. I am a bit weak right now, but hopefully I can muster up the attention and strength to kick some ass tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Dagan & Aurora are looking out the window, watching birds. I love the kitties so much. Kitties make life so much better!

=====================

Thursday:
* Got hired (on the spot, during my 3rd interview) at PCC
* Michael Jackson and Farrah Faucet died
* Lyse, Violet & I went shopping in Hollywood
* Watched Psych with Megan & Missy

Friday:
* Saw the Hangover with Eamon and Violet
* Lyse & I met with a client in San Fernando (wedding officiating). She booked the gig.
* Went to Josh & Jul’s and watched Virtuality and True Blood with Matt, Shock and Greg

Saturday:
* Lead a photo meet-up at the LA Zoo
* Worked on Back on Topps (played a Hooker)

* Went to Koji’s for karaoke with Violet, Eamon, Ryan, Bobby, Laury & Jay (Jay’s Birthday)
– I sang Goo Goo Dolls (Here is Gone), RHCP (Otherside), Toad (Good Intentions), Bon Jovi (Livin’ on a Prayer), Def Leppard (Love Bites => which Violet & I took over from Ryan) and some other stuff

Sunday:
* Performed a wedding in Redondo Beach
* Met with a client (wedding officiating) in El Segundo and booked
* Went to Target
* Had a really harsh breakdown
* Talked to Emily
* Talked to Sara
* Talked to Mike
* Rested and ate some soup and gold fish crackers
* Watching Young Guns

Tags: back on topps, karaoke, wedding

Jun 22 2009

Sleep… Please!

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Friday – watched a bunch of episodes of Psych with Megan & Maria

Saturday – photographed a wedding in Palmdale with Michele. It was quite small, but we worked it as if it were 200 people! I know we got some great shots!

Stayed up late hanging out with Michele and downloading pix. Had trouble sleeping – woke up a lot during the night.

Sunday – drove home without a shower, did Violet’s headshots, got a shower and dressed for a night out.

Went to Elysia’s improv show at Improv Olympic.

Went to Roberto and Rosita’s (Violet’s friends) place for a bit, and had a great time talking to them.

Went to Springbok for Emmett’s birthday karaoke party! There were some awesome singers, and Eamon gets an award for doing Kanye West! That was awesome in so many ways! The party was super fun and I had an amazing time. Emmett sang incredibly, and I had a kick ass performance of Alice Cooper’s Ballad of Dwight Fry. I also backed Rich up on U2’s With or Without You. Voilet backed me up on Billy Joel’s Pressure. I hung out with everyone til the Bok closed and we all got booted.

Once home, Violet & I talked for a bit. I wasn’t doing so well. I ended up having severe insomnia and edited over 140 pix from the party. I put them all up on FB and went to bed around 6am – after the sun came up & birds started chirping.

I woke up around 8:15am, tossing and turning from nightmares. I also felt very anxious. I laid in bed as long as I could, then got up and went online for a bit before getting a shower. I had my 2nd job interview at 1:30pm, which went well – despite how tired I was. My therapy appt was at 3pm, but I was 30 min late. I still got charged the full amt, and only got to stay for 30 min.

Once home, I canceled my 7pm coffee meeting and spent the evening relaxing with the kitties. I am exhausted and plan to go to sleep early tonight. Wish me luck!

Tomorrow – no solid plans yet. May have lunch with Sara and dinner with Shanea (my 7pm coffee raincheck from today).

Tags: emmett's birthday, insomnia, karaoke, wedding

Jun 18 2009

Love & Kitties

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