I started taking Lexapro yesterday. I fought the idea of taking anti-depressants for so very long. I had seen way too many people lose their creativity, lose their passion, lose their motivation, and become somewhat numb. I didn’t want to be like them. So, I tried really hard to manage depression on my own by talking to people, taking pictures of the beautiful world, not holding back tears, going out with friends to stay busy, and writing…. well, it’s not enough.
On Tuesday, I broke. I snapped. I lost it. I couldn’t function, and I needed help. I asked for help. I got it. I accepted help. I took advice. So now, I am on Lexapro and planning a trip back East to visit my aunt for a week to get away from it all. I’m not job hunting right now. I am not stressing about anything right now. If I need to lay down, that’s what I’ll do. If I need to watch TV, that’s what I’ll do. I am not going to force myself into a panic due to overwhelming obligations. I do have to go downstairs and pay rent. I do have to burn a CD and mail it, but I will try to get help with that later tonight. For now, I’m just breathing and trying to relax.
Lexapro has mixed reviews. I had a friend call me from FL who has been on it for awhile now. He had all the same symptoms as I am going through: numb teeth, tinny / metallic taste in my mouth, super fast heartbeat (that scared me), shakiness, anxiousness, inability to focus, light-headedness, tiredness, dehydration, and loss of appetite.
Yesterday, after my first 10mg pill, within half an hour, my symptoms started. I felt like I had a hangover in a way. I was useless to get up off the couch for hours and hours. By night, Bobby came by and I was able to walk to get frozen yogurt, which helped too.
Last night, I went to sleep around 11:30pm. I woke up just before 5am, but wasn’t as emotional or panicked as normal, even though I was still reviewing sad things in my head. I practiced breathing, and tossed and turned for quite some time. I was hot, then cold, then hot, then cold. I turned down the air, but was still hot. I stayed in bed regardless. I know I needed rest, so I just laid there. Laying there did actually help, even though I didn’t fall back asleep.
Around 8:45am, I got up to feed the cats and made a 1/2 bowl of cereal. I ate most of it. Then, I took my 2nd dose of Lexapro. The side effects began about 45 minutes later. They are not as strong as yesterday, as I am actually able to type and stare at the computer. My foot won’t stay still though, at all. My mouth tastes metallic. I’m slightly weary and light-headed; but, other than that, I think I’m better today.
I think I will adjust soon. My biggest concern lately has been my health. I haven’t wanted to eat and I can’t seem to sleep. I just hope the meds will get me functioning again; and, if it does that, then I can start to recover in other ways and deal with the issues causing me the most stress and sadness.
My greatest worry is become two different people: Arie on meds and Arie off meds. How do you build relationships when you are two different people? And, what if the people that you interact with like the medicated Arie better? How will that affect me? What if I ever go off these? I do plan on it, after 6 months or so. These are very heavy concerns of mine, but I guess I’ll just have to see. I definitely don’t want to stay on these forever just to keep up approval of those around me. I want to be loved for me, but I know I have a lot of baggage that gets strewn about everywhere when I talk to people.
I am certain people will be happier to see me happy, but is it a false happiness? Is it real because I’ve made it real (with the aid of meds)? What is real or fake when it comes to being yourself on and off medication? This is a new mental place for me, and one I have avoided for years. I’ve definitely got mixed emotions about it, and I am scared people will like me better on meds. I am scared that I will not want to go off them for that reason. I am scared of losing the natural state of me, even though I am not able to handle that “me” right now.
It’s very odd. Even as I write this, I am somewhat “whatever” about it. I guess I’ve kinda thrown my hands up in the air. My options are limited, so I just have to go down this path for a while and see what happens. Wish me luck!