I had a really really bad breakdown today. I woke up at 2:30am or so with my usual nightmare of John breaking up with me. I live it over and over every night. You’d think it would get easier by now, but I think it’s getting worse.
The lack of sleep I’m getting from waking up every night to terrible dreams (and not being able to fall back asleep) is causing me to physically break down. On top of that, depression sets in to make matters worse and I can’t eat. I am well aware that I need to sleep and eat. I am well aware that I will be okay one day. I am well aware that I will meet someone one day who really does love me. Right now, however, I am deeply sad.
Love is the driving force behind relationships. When there is love, there is communication. When there is love, there is respect. When there is love, there is trust. When there is love, there is openness. When there is love, there is the NEED to try to make things work at all costs. I’m not talking about the love between friends. I’m talking about the love that two people in a romantic relationship share and thrive upon.
John still claims he loved me; but, I don’t believe him. I talked to a few people today about love and how things played out, and the consensus is that he did not love me. He may have believed he loved me, but it’s not the same thing. This kind of love (the love that I had for him) is so special and deep. This kind of love is the love you can’t do without. Love is something you live and die for. Love is the driving force behind the energy it takes to get through tough times. When there is love, you can do anything!
John did not love me. I am sad I spent over 2 years believing he did. He told me today that “we weren’t right together.” He believes I’ll see it someday when I look back on our relationship; but, the honest truth is I will never see it by looking back. I can only see it by looking at him now and knowing that he did not love me and that he was incapable of keeping his promises to me. When I look back at our relationship, I see two people who were so happy and had so much fun together. I see two people who had so much in common and who enjoyed doing almost everything together. I see two people who loved to travel and explore together. I see two people who were deep and full of passion for one another. I see two people who looked deep into each other’s eyes and souls and said, “hi” as if welcoming each other into a very special place in our hearts. I do not see anything in our history that shows me we weren’t right. The only thing not right about us is the fact that he didn’t love me and didn’t want to work things out with me (for some unknown reason). The thing that is not right is that he believes it was not right, but has no clue “why.”
If two people are not right together, you know! You know before 2.75 years passes by. In fact, if someone feels that things aren’t right, they act distant and concerned. They show signs. They talk to their partner about something being off. He didn’t do any of those things. He pretended things were perfect and wonderful through the morning of the day he left me.
He also told me today that “we were not perfect and happy until the end and you need to see that from your perspective.” What?! From MY perspective, we were 100% happy and looking towards a wonderful future together. I was sooooooooooo happy when I was with him. I thought we were the perfect couple. We never really fought. We’d talk things out when we were sad or concerned. We enjoyed 99% of everything we did together. We had deep passion for one another. We loved so many of the same things. We had very similar beliefs about life and people and society. We had the same passion for our kitties as one another. We looked forward to seeing each other every single day and holding each other. Well, at least I thought we did. From MY perspective, this is what it looked like. I was lead to believe every one of these things as he never showed any signs to concern me otherwise.
If he wasn’t happy and didn’t think we were a perfect couple, then he didn’t love me the way I loved him. He loved me like a friend, not like a romantic partner that you’d want to spend your whole life with. If he wasn’t happy, he should have talked to me. He should have communicated his unhappiness and concerns to me. He should have discussed and worked to resolve things with me the moment he realized things weren’t perfect from his perspective.
From mine, I was so happy that I had no concerns. I was so happy with him that I saw us getting married and living a wonderful life together. I knew he was busy with BITN and other stuff. I respected that. I knew he was working on lots of projects and helping others with theirs. I was very respectful of that too. It was not a cause for concern to me. I just “knew” in my heart that he’d be successful and we’d have all the time in the world to spend together – for the rest of our lives. I had NO concerns about us. It wasn’t til after he left me that money and his lack of communication about these feelings became an issue. While we were together, I had no worries about money as I thought we were a couple and would be combining it anyhow down the road. When we were a couple, I thought he WAS communicating with me.
I am really upset with him for leading me on for so long. I am really mad at him for staying in a relationship with me for as long as he did if he wasn’t happy. I am furious with him for not addressing his concerns with me and working to resolve them when they arose. That is NOT love! That is selfishness and a lack of respect. For that, I am truly and deeply angry with him… He lead me to believe we were amazing. He “acted” so happy around me. He treated me as if we were going to be together forever. He even emailed me pictures of wedding bands he liked. He even went with me from store to store looking for the perfect trillion engagement ring for me. Is that the sign of someone who is unhappy and believes we weren’t right together? Hell no!
The reason I am so emotional about this subject is because I feel betrayed, taken advantage of, lied to, mislead, deceived, and disrespected.
To everyone out there, don’t ever tell your partner you love them and want to spend the rest of your life with them if you aren’t willing to communicate with them, trust them, and work through the hard times together through thick and thin. Don’t ever do this to someone. I did not deserve to have this done to me, and I am filled with anger and resentment due to how I was treated. Anyone in my shoes would be!
No matter what he says to me, he will never convince me he truly and deeply loved me. I believe he loved me like a friend; but, that is not what we were. We were in a committed, deep, and long-term relationship. We lived together. We adopted a cat together. With this kind of commitment, you can’t just walk away. You communicate and work things out, or don’t get in this deep in the first place. The fact that he did all these things makes me believe he didn’t consider the consequences, which is NOT a respectful thing to do in a relationship. If you are going to move in with someone and adopt a kid with them, you better be planning a future with them and be willing to work through concerns and not hide anything from your partner.
I don’t even know what else to say. I don’t think I can ever forgive him for this…