Sandy is on my lap. Aurora is by my side. Dagan is behind my head on the back of the couch. Gracie is on the bed. I love kitty nap time! I tried to sleep in today, but ended up waking up at 9am, but I did get about 8 hours of sleep – very much needed.
This morning was better than yesterday; but, I am working really hard to figure things out and learn what I can. With the help of therapy and great friends, I have simply come up with the following:
* I loved John, unconditionally and with all my heart.
* I supported John emotionally and financially through hard times.
* I never let John’s depression, moods, or problems affect how I felt about him.
* I never would have given up on him.
Knowing this, feeling this at my very core, allows me to know that John leaving me was not my fault at all. Even though I didn’t show him the initiation he wanted from me, I know without even a fraction of a doubt that I wanted him and loved him with all my heart, guts, muscles, soul, and emotion.
I am 100% certain, confirmed by doctors, online communities, and my therapist, that my lack of initiation stemmed from a combination of career-driven and social-connection depression, low testosterone levels, financial stress, and a biological inability to effectively communicate my needs with loved ones (part of my learning disability).
What I want:
* Someone who loves me truly, deeply, unconditionally, and selflessly.
* Someone I am attracted to at least as much as I am attracted to John.
* Someone who appreciates my struggles and will work with me to form an understand that will lead to a more meaningful relationship in the long-run.
I know what love is. I have given love and I have received love in my short life. It’s not as easy to recognize true love coming in (as it can blind us, fool us, and be mimicked with actions that resemble love); but, if you have experienced true love once, you never forget it! If you have close family members that you would do ANYTHING for and be lost without, then you know what love is. Love takes work. You may not always get along with your family, and you may go through tough times with them, but your love drives you to stick by their side and work things out. It drives you to support them and never give up on them. That is love!
In a romantic relationship, that deep, true love is accompanied by passion and intimacy; but, those two things alone do not equal love. If those two things seem to be wavering a bit, but you are willing to work through this slump, then you know that love is real. That love is the driving force that will give you the energy to work through tough times. That love is the air that is breathed into the relationship when it feels like it is dying. That love is the magic spell that comes from your heart to heal your partner when they are sick (sick = depressed, stressed, sad, lost, confused, etc.).
Love is the greatest and most powerful emotion any human can ever experience. It is so vital to life that people will kill and die for it. Love is the most beautiful feeling in the universe; and, no matter how bad things get, it is the light that will guide you to happiness and success.
This is the love I have inside me to give someone worthy of it. This is the love I gave to John. This is the love that I will one day give to someone else; and, next time, it will be someone who will do the same for me!
I’m sad it isn’t going to be John, but I just don’t think he’s at a stage in life where he’s capable of this type of love. It’s very powerful and can certainly be draining at times (though fulfillment follows almost immediately after a drain).
He may just not be ready to experience this type of power and magic. He may still have a lot of experiences to go through and ego to dissolve before he’s ready to participate in something this grand and god-like. I think he will one day get there. If I didn’t feel that way, I never would have connected with him in the first place.
I am just sad that when he does finally open himself up to being a being of light and love, I will have already moved on. I know I shouldn’t be sad about this because I’ll have someone wonderful who loves me, but I’m still in mourning right now.
I am still upset that our timing was so off, and that he was just not ready to give me the depth of love that I was giving him.
I am still upset that I let myself be deceived by his level of love and commitment to me and to us.
I am still upset that true love didn’t exist within him (for me), which would have driven the energy it would have taken to make it through this low point in our relationship.
It’s hard to look back and see things so clearly, and realize just how blind you actually were at the time. It’s hard to know how much time and energy was given to something that was never going to work out. It’s hard to know that the person you thought loved you in the same way you loved them, wasn’t actually able to meet you half way. Expectations are hard to live up to, I know; and, he didn’t live up to mine. I am very disappointed and sad because I really thought he would be the one person who could do it… the one person who was my true match in every way!
I guess John just wasn’t ready, and I can’t fault him for this. It’s just terribly unfortunate. His intentions were good for most of the relationship, and I do appreciate that.