I had two dreams last night. One was not so good, but the 2nd was very helpful… it was Sandy, speaking to me.
In my dream, I was on my right side, curled up in bed. Sandy was sitting in front of me, looking at me with her big gorgeous green eyes. She started speaking to me, but not with her mouth… just with her mind. Her eyes and nods went along with every word she said to me. What she said was very helpful. Though I have heard it before, coming from Sandy made it very real:
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Mom,
* Dad loved you conditionally. You loved him unconditionally.
* Dad loved you with part of his heart. You loved him with all of your heart.
* Dad kept things inside and didn’t communicate with you. You shared every concern and thought with him.
* Dad convinced himself that he should pretend things are okay, even if he was upset because he thought things would work themselves out on their own. You never pretended around him. You showed him every emotion the moment you had it.
You were right and remembered correctly that when dad came over to talk to you, he recognized and acknowledged that all of the other concerns and issues he had were misunderstandings and quite trivial in the long-run. When you asked him, “so, you agree that I was not being controlling but just wanted to spend more time with you, and that I was not actually rigid in my plans, I just had to take a minute to adjust to the change before deciding to go along with a new plan?” He said, “yes, I just didn’t see it before.” Then you asked, “so, the only real issue comes down to you not feeling wanted?” He said, “yes.” So, you see mom, him feeling like you weren’t “right for each other” is only because he’s creating that reasoning now. He did not lie when he agreed that the only problem you were having was him feeling a lack of intimacy. He only recently has created reasons to believe you weren’t right together in order to justify him leaving and he’s making small things much larger than they were. It is his way of staying sane while feeling guilty.
You did believe the two of you were happy and perfect because that is what he showed you. He never showed you any signs that he was unhappy or thought the two of you weren’t the greatest couple on earth. You could not have known. Mom, this is NOT your fault. He left you because he is not capable of loving another human being until he learns to become selfless and secure deep in his heart. The love he has is a form of love, but it is not the love you need. It is not very powerful and will not fulfill you. He is not capable of fulfilling anyone right now. He has to become selfless and learn how to trust.
I watched you mom, and I know your heart. Don’t doubt yourself, ever. You were loving, loyal, kind, considerate, appreciative, respectful, honest, passionate, open-minded, helping, trusting, giving, and upfront. You are the perfect mom and the perfect wife for any man lucky enough to marry you. Dad is far from perfect, but I love him. You are the one who made him perfect. You made him happy, you had confidence in him and believed in him. You saw the best in him and made him shine. Without you, he will be lost. Nobody will be able to find him until he wants to be found. Once he is ready to be found, it will be someone else who will find him because you will not even be looking for him anymore at that point. It is going to take him a very very long time to become the man he will eventually want to be and a man worthy of your love; but, by then, you won’t love him anymore, not even a little. I know you don’t believe me right now, but I know this. The universe is speaking through me as a channel. He will love you and regret the pain he caused you for much longer than you will even think of him. Dad does not recognize when things are great. He creates problems where there are none because he is not ready to be happy in aspects of love. Again, he is not selfless yet.
You are ready, and when your pain subsides a bit, you will be capable of being an amazing partner to whomever you chose to love. You do know what love is, unconditional love, passionate love, universal love. Dad doesn’t know what love is yet. He lives in box and didn’t let you in. He doesn’t trust others. He doesn’t trust himself. You didn’t see the box because he didn’t show you.
Mom, the one thing I want you to know is that, when you look back, you will only see things as he wanted you to see them. He wanted to be perfect in your eyes. He wanted to make you happy. So, that is what he showed you. You could not have known he was hiding such a deep darkness inside, because he never let you in. Mom, you are not to blame. I love you. I promise you that you did everything right. You loved him, you cared about him, you did everything to help him and be there for him. I know you put pressure on yourself for having physical issues and neurological issues; but, you can not convince yourself that you had control over those. You did not. You weren’t even aware of these things, and dad did not help you become aware of them. Just mentioning things is not enough, and that is all he did. Just like you have been saying, “love is the driving force behind the energy needed to work through tough times.” Though he believes he is, dad is not capable of that kind of love yet. You believed that he was, and this is very beautiful of you. You see potential in others, and that is very precious. So, trust me… this was not your fault. I will repeat this to you every night if I must. It is not your fault, mom.
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When I opened my eyes, I was indeed laying on my right hand side and Sandy was sitting right in front of me… looking at me with her big beautiful green eyes. She chirped at me as soon as I looked at her. I love her so much, and I am so thankful to have her in my life. She really is incredible and I feel so connected to her.
So, today is a new day. I start my Lexapro today, and I hope it helps me sleep and stay level. I’ve never been on anti-depressants before; but, I think that I need some help getting through all the tough times right now. A lot is happening at once, and I am not at my strongest to fight it all on my own. Yesterday, I didn’t think I’d get through this. Today, with the help of Lyse, Jay, Gavin, Heather, Bobby and the kitties, I think I’ll be ok. It’s just going to be slower than I’d like.