Walking through Target tonight, the world started to collapse around me. I saw things, useless things… in every direction. Some things were pretty, and I thought I wanted them; but, after about 2 seconds of thought, I realized that I do not want want to add things to my already cluttered life. I have no room for these things. When I realized this, I began to see everything around me as a very alien plastic object of no value. I saw people all around me, buying these objects. I felt entirely disconnected from these people, these things, and the energy surrounding me.
The more I zig-zagged down the aisles, the more dead inside I felt. I collected apples, environmental shower cleaner, and kitty litter – all the while wishing I were not part of this existence. I felt like I was drowning in quicksand, but without the will to try to escape from it. As I looked around, I did see beautiful things, happy valentine’s cards, smiling people, laughing children, pet food with happy pets on the front… it was all pudding: sweet, wonderful, and sticky – sucking you in and trying to keep you in place.
The last few aisles were the worst. I was looking at frozen boxed food… food for one. I bought a Mama Celeste pizza for one. I didn’t feel lonely buying it, but I felt mocked by packaging design firm. I started to lose my desire for food as I crept slowly through these aisles. I wanted nothing… just to be rid of the necessity to even eat at all. A slight wave of depression started to set in. It quickly spired into an all out wish for sudden death. I kept feeling myself start to hyperventilate a little… I started repeating quietly, “I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine” over and over again, as I walked by people with a very nice smile on my face.
I pictured myself driving home, getting in a fatal accident, and my spirit hovering above my body, pointing down at me; and, with a Nelson Muntz taunt, gave me a “haha” before drifting away. My dying body laying there saying, “Wait! I wished for this and didn’t even get to leave a suicide note… not fair!” At this point, my spirit did leave my body out of pure boredom for this monotonous store. I later found it in the car, listening to Alice in Chains’ Jar of Flies (Nutshell, to be exact). I joined it and put the song on repeat for my entire drive home (from Vineland and Victory).
On my drive home, all I could think about was how useless I am to this world – not to my friends or cats or co-workers, but to the Universe as a whole. I felt so small, so insignificant. I kept hearing my friends’ voices saying, “you matter to me, and that makes you special” and crap like that. I didn’t want to hear any of it. I wanted to disappear… not into death where I would have to review my life and frolic into the afterlife, but into true oblivion, where my spirit would be no more.
I noticed myself smiling at people in cars as I sat at red lights beside them. I realized that I was actually laughing at the idea of all of this, thinking to myself, “Am I insane?!” Telling myself, “No no… that’s what you want to believe; but, really… you are normal.” Boo! Who wants to be normal?! I want to sing and cry and dance and scream and jump off cliffs and run through fields and fly like birds and sleep like cats and fuck like rabbits and smell like roses and glow like lightning and feel like fire and taste like sweet-tarts and look like a hologram of rainbows with squirrels running around me in figure eights.
By that time I got home, I had watery eyes and a severe depression taking over me. I felt no obligation should keep me here, and that life isn’t giving me any reason to feel passionate about it. I can’t just take off and travel to Japan and New Guinea. I can’t just sit on a beach drinking fancy cocktails for a month or two. I can’t travel around the US visiting art centers and learning new techniques so I could play with clay and fire and silver all day. I can’t just sleep in and pet my cats for 4 hours a day. I can’t eat at fancy vegan and raw foods restaurants every night. I can’t rent a small prop plane and fly around the Grand Canyon every month. I can’t buy a jet ski and go out for an hour every day. I can’t do any of these things… I have to work. I have to take care of things. I have to pay bills. I have to hover around the dollar fairy and beg for more, just so I can keep a roof over my head and food in my cats mouths!
Fuck money. I wouldn’t need it if I were dead. Still, I am NOT a selfish person. It takes a very selfish person to take oneself out. Me, I couldn’t do it. Those who love me and need me have a deep hold on me. They make me feel like I would hurt them if I left them, and I don’t want to hurt anyone… ever! I just have to stick around this place and make the best of it. I must say, I am pretty happy overall. I have a passionate sex life with a great boyfriend, amazing cats, fantastic roommates, incredible friends, a job I really enjoy, a clean and safe apartment / neighborhood, a talented and loving sister, a wonderful family, and much more. It baffles me that I am so bored with my life. It feels so plain and repetitive. I am usually so thankful for all that I have. Why do I often fall into this hole where nothing is enough – where I want more! It often takes hearing my cats purr to bring me back down to the humility of true appreciation.
As I write this, I am not upset, nor crying, nor sad even. I am just kinda blah. I feel very little, and don’t have the desire to feel much more for a few hours. I thought about going to sleep early, but that will just make tomorrow come sooner. Tomorrow will be no more exciting than today… so what’s the point in rushing it?! If I stay awake, I guess I could do something productive or fun. I don’t really feel like it though. I would prefer to just press pause for a while and pick up when the earth’s terrain has changed dramatically… that could be exciting! Hmmm, or devastating.
I’ve had enough trauma and pain for one person in one short life… why do I seek more?! Why do I yearn for something to hurt just to “feel” again? I usually love the idea of stability, but I realized that I like stability with growth and gradual progress. Stability that is stagnant… ugh! I am the walking dead. Hear me roar (with the sound of a horn no stronger than my Prius)!
Blah blah blah…