I know a lot of people say this, but I really really mean it. I wake up every day before my alarm clock from awful dreams. Each one of them involves John. Some are great and I wake up sad that he’s not here. Others are terrible and I wake up in a panic, reminding of the love that died. I never wake up relaxed or rested. I’ve been tired since the day he left me.
Today was especially hard. I stayed in bed, crying and trying to convince myself that things will get better. I will find someone who will love me, even with all my quirks and moodiness. I will find a great job that pays me what I am worth until my photography business takes off. I will be able to be happy at my core again.
My problem is, I am running out of patience and energy. Each day I wake up tired and in tears, I get closer and closer to not wanting to wake up at all. I don’t know why mornings are getting harder and harder for me. Once I get a shower, I am usually OK… not great, but functional. Sadly, I have been falling apart a lot during the day too. I think that losing my job due to my depression, which was due to the loss of my love, is starting to really affect me.
The kitties are the ones who get me up and get me going. If they didn’t want food, I don’t think I’d even get out of bed. I am really hopeful this passes soon. I can’t keep on like this. I’m really worn out. My heart breaks over and over every day. My mind wanders and races about my past and my future. My desire to live gets weaker and weaker.
Before you start worrying about me, know that I am a very responsible mother and would never leave my kids. I also would not do anything that would cause my sister any pain. She’s had a rough enough life losing our mom and battling cancer. So, know that I WILL make it through. It’s just the “wanting to” that is really difficult. I won’t go into details, but my mind gets filled with very very dark thoughts.
I want to thank everyone who texted me this morning and helped me get out of bed, in addition to the kitties who wanted food. I want to thank all of those who put up with my moods, depression, anxiety, panicked reactions, and the communication trouble which seems to be quite enhanced at this point in my life.
Since my position change at Disney in early 2007, I have been slipping deeper and deeper into a dark place. My greatest light was the love in my heart – going out and coming in. That light has gone out, and I am drowning in darkness. I am so scared. I have no clue what is going to happen next.
I tell myself to be hopeful, but I feel so hopeless. I feel like I’m going to end up taking another job I don’t like that pays me less than what I need. I feel like every guy who falls in love with me will eventually leave me due to communication issues or misunderstandings. I feel like maybe I’m living a very difficult life, and I’m only 31. Did I choose this? Maybe this will be my last reincarnation? Maybe I won’t have to keep coming back here after this. Maybe this life will be full of trials and tragedy, and then I’ll die… and then, I’ll get an eternity of rest. I’m not hoping for a life of tough times. Trust me, I wish it would be all up hill from here! In fact, I am begging my mom and the angels for that very thing! Of course, unless what I said above was true… that this will be a rough life and that I have a lot more tough lessons to learn. Then, nothing I pray or wish for will happen… I’ll just have to live out the destiny I planned for this particular life and body. I guess we’ll see where things go.
The truth is, I am not sure what my breaking point is. I am not sure how much more I can take before I end up checking myself into a crazy house or taking off for the forest. I wish I could be more optimistic. I wish I could act on the things I believe – that life is lessons to learn and that everything is truly OK. Still, I feel like I am getting closer and closer to crazy. If my depression deepens, I think I’ll be there pretty soon.
Please please send some peace my way. Please send some happy thoughts and positive energy my way. I have no reason to believe that I will not wake up tomorrow; so, when I do, I hope it will be a better day. I hope I will have some good news. I hope I will see some light return to my soul…
I hope.