Yes, I know this. I also know it is the place that I go to reach out to the millions or couple of people who want to read about what I am thinking, feeling, or going through. It helps me feel connected to the world, as I am often very lonely (even in crowds of people I know and like).
I am asking each and every one of you this simple favor:
If you have a problem with what I am writing or saying, please take it up with me directly. Do not create drama or cause any heartache in others. Come to me directly and tell me what bothers you about what I have written… and WHY. I want to know. I want to know you and your thoughts. If you have taken the time to read my blog, I want to know you! Please, do me this one favor.
To me, blogging is therapy. I was given permission to blog about my relationship from John by John himself. He and I talked heart to heart, and he told me to say what I need to say, to be angry if I need to be angry, to vent if I need to vent, and do anything I need to do to get through the pain that he had caused me. I was very grateful for that – knowing that he recognized the pain I was in and that I would need help getting through it.
Blogging is my way of asking for help – whether it be asking someone to just listen and love me, or asking for advice or a shoulder to cry on. Blogging is my way of getting the pain transferred from my heart to the external world, where I don’t have to deal with it all alone.
I do say very intimate things on here sometimes, which many may find inappropriate. If that is the case, please do not read. This is not the blog for you. I am very open and honest with what is going on inside me, and have no reason to hold back.
Being human is being real, being emotional, being true to yourself and who you are and how you are feeling. I know that society tries to make us conform to certain norms and standards, but that’s probably why I have always associated myself with the anarchy of subcultures.
I am real and be completely me at all times. I do not censor myself. I do not hold back feelings or emotions. I know it is expected of people to do so, but it is not who I am (or even who I’d want to be). I do not believe in telling secrets (“why should anyone have secrets?” is how my mind works). I do not believe in hiding from anything. These beliefs are deeply part of who I am. If I don’t fit into the world because of them, then maybe I should just leave. Unfortunately, this has been my wonder and plight since I was younger. Sadly, there is no easy way out either…
I love the world and all its beauty. I love traveling and talking to people and seeing cute things and learning and experiencing love and passion and emotion. I love stories and adventures. I love kitties and family and friends. I love all the beauty of the earth in physical and celestial form… yet, I feel so unwelcome here. I feel as though I would be welcome if I conformed to rules and standards. I feel I would be welcome if I held back part (or most) of who I am to “fit in” with what is acceptable. Yet, I feel that those things would damper my beauty and my reality. They would limit my freedom. They would create a wall around me that is “safe” and keeps people comfortable now that I am in a box. That’s not the world I want to live in. That’s not very welcoming at all. Maybe I don’t belong here, not in this life.
If it were just a recent feeling, I would write it off as an emotion that will pass. No, this has been a very painful underlying theme in my life. It’s the very reason I tried many times to take myself out, only to realize the pain I would cause others if I did so – especially my kids.
I sometimes believe that I am welcomed and can be a part of this world, but then I am always reminded of who I am and that I do not fit in here. I know I am not the only one on this planet that feels this way. That’s why subculture groups are started. Still, I don’t really fit in with any of them either. Where do I belong?
Why is fitting in so important anyhow? I guess, for me, it allows you to feel appreciated, respected, and most of all… loved. Without fitting in, these things don’t seem possible… yet, those are the reasons I am alive. You’d think I’d conform just to achieve those things if they were that important to me. I guess being “me” constantly wins out. Yet, I don’t want to be me if I am going to be sad and lonely. I am so lost.
Even those who know you best and love you the most still will find issue with you if you don’t fit in. It’s rare to find someone in this world who accepts and loves you for who you are. Most people, instead of working with you and your uniqueness, they find reason to want you to change or conform to them and their ways of thinking / feeling.
This is not what I want. This is not something I think I can handle for much longer. I am not sure what to do now. I am stuck here, on this planet, surrounded by a world who doesn’t want ME (when I say “me” I mean ALL of me). That’s why I blog.. in a public place, reaching out…hoping someone somewhere will say to me, “I get you. I love you. I am proud of who you are. Keep it real!”
PS. Regarding John, if I have said anything that would make you feel differently about him, I apologize. I want all of you to love him and be his friend. I want all of you to know that even though I am upset with him for ending things the way he did and not giving me the help and support I needed, I do not believe that he is a bad person. He fucked up, yes. He gave up on something beautiful and something that had amazing potential, but he is still an incredible person. He has a lot of learning to do and experiences to gain in relationships and in his own world, and I do honestly wish him the best. I hope he learned from our relationship something that will make his next relationship worth fighting for. I believe he can. I would not have spent almost 3 years of my life with him if I didn’t think he was an amazing person. I want each of you to know that I love him still, even though I sometimes wish I didn’t. I want you all to love him as well. I don’t want you to take sides. We are both hurting, and we are both very sad about the tragedy that unfolded between the beautiful life we had together. Thank you.