Long post – ye be warned! 😉
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I have been busy non-stop since John left me. I’ve gotta say, “I’m freakin’ exhausted!” I spent the first few weeks crying and not sleeping enough. I’m doing much better these days, however; yet, my mind still finds time to think about the sad tragedy that became of John & I.
As of right now, I do not miss John; and, I do not want him back in my life – especially since I feel like the John I knew and loved doesn’t exist anymore. I believe that it’s possible he never even existed in the first place, but that tricked me into thinking he was someone he was not…. all because he was lying to himself about what he wanted and what he was capable of. Well, he certainly was NOT capable of love. I thought he was, but I believed in him more than he believed in himself – otherwise, I don’t think he could have told me he loved me without actually meaning it…. which is what he did, for far far too long!
The love I’m speaking of is a love that is shared by two people who choose to be together and are deeply attracted to one another. This is not the love of friendship or family. This is much much more! This love is something magical, something amazing, and something that you give of yourself so completely that the whole world is more beautiful because of it! Love is so fulfilling and intense, that you would never want to stop giving or receiving it – that is, if you really have it to give and receive! Love is simple – in the most Buddhist sense. It is pure, ideal, perfect, and is void of judgment and reasoning. It is the most special and beautiful gift you can give and receive; but, love is unique.
I believe John thought he loved me, but he never really loved me. You can’t truly love someone and decide that they are not worth your energy and efforts. You can’t love someone and deceive them. You can’t love someone and lie to them and make them believe you care about them more than you do. You can’t love someone and treat them so harshly and cruel. You can’t love someone if you are too selfish and insecure to see that they really do love and want you back! You can’t love someone if you are so selfish that you don’t notice the person you love actually needs your help and your love and support. If you love someone, you will never give up on them… you’ll go to the ends of the earth for them to try to make things right and wonderful in their life and your life together. If you love someone, you don’t forget spoken or unspoken promises to be honest, caring, compassionate, giving, dedicated, selfless, proactive, considerate, and kind to them.
That being said, I completely believe he never loved me. That is what makes me sad… knowing this. I feel tricked, fooled and taken for granted. I feel like he liked me enough to feel some form of loving emotions. I feel like he was comfortable enough to live with me and travel with me. I feel like he loved the kitties, and liked that I was a cat person. I feel like he liked me enough to let me help him when he needed help financially and emotionally. I feel like he liked me enough to spend most of his free time with me. Yet, I don’t feel like he ever took the time to really “know” me. He judged me, misjudged me, and believed that I was someone who could claim to love him but not want him. That really upsets and disgusts me… that judgment was so harsh and so wrong; and, that’s the judgment he made that caused him to eventually leave me.
If he loved me, he would NOT have judged me. He would have talked to me with loving intention. He would have shown compassion and assumed not that I didn’t want him, but that I was going through something or had a problem that he could have tried to help me with. He would have worked with me to get to the core of what was going on with me physically and emotionally. He would have talked to me, deeply, with the intent to help me and figure out what the true issue really was. He would have known that something wasn’t right, and that maybe therapy or something more needed to be done to help me. He would have done everything (and then some) to find out what the root of the problem was, and then worked with me to resolve it. That’s what I would have done for him. That’s what I did for him when he was out of work and depressed. That’s what I did for him when he was going through emotional distress regarding issues with some of the people in his life. I would have helped him forever… because I truly, deeply loved him.
I have finally come to a point where I no longer love him. I pity him and feel great disappointment in him. I feel bad that he never got a chance to know what true, deep love really is with me (since you not only have to receive it, but have to give it). I feel bad that he was so selfish, immature, insecure, and inconsiderate that it caused him not only to lose me and all of the amazing love and fun I am capable of, but he lost his home, his kitties, his incredible adventure/travel partner, his exciting future with me as his partner; and, most of all, he lost my respect, my trust, my special smile (that I gave to him and only him), my love, and my friendship.
When I know what is causing a problem, I work to resolve it. I am someone who always believes in bettering myself and making every effort to grow and learn from my mistakes. I am someone who will do everything it takes to be a wonderful partner. I am honest, caring, loving, loyal, friendly, helpful, and compassionate. I am also deeply passionate and fun; but, these two aspects can become buried by depression and hormone issues (which are affected also by depression). Depression has been something I’ve been dealing with on a very deep and harsh level since about June 2007 (when I was transferred to a terrible position at Disney, doing a job I hated and underwhelming). Though I had bouts of extreme happiness, especially in regard to my relationship, cats, and travels, my depression was attacking my serotonin levels, my mood, and my ability to initiate fun. I was unaware of this, and I wish I had a partner who loved me enough to help me figure this out. No, instead, I had a partner who gave up on me and abandoned me.
Though I feel extremely upset, sad, and regretful that he felt so unwanted (physically), I cannot take blame for that especially since I honestly did want him. I wanted him more than I’ve ever wanted anyone – more than the lovers I see in movies want each other, more than the singers of love songs feel when they sing about passion. The fact that he didn’t feel how much I wanted him was caused by forces outside of my intention. They were circumstantial and completely resolvable.
It’s sad because John chose to feel unwanted, and chose to believe that I being untrue in what I was telling him (which makes me sad, especially since I am so honest and direct). All he had to do was push and prod and figure out what was really wrong with me. That’s what people in love do. They challenge each other and delve and help one another. I did want him. I felt extreme passion for him beyond words. I did want to be with him, all the time too! My problem was not trouble enjoying sex or wanting John. My problem was depression and its side effects: lower than average serotonin and hormone levels creating an inability to initiate and ask for what I really wanted – him! Again, completely resolvable issues!
This is what bothers me and keeps me awake at night… the fact that we had it all – compatibility, friendship, kitties, friends, adventures, hope, similar tastes in music and enjoyment, artistic dreams and ambitions, the love of crystals and energy healing, and deep attraction to one another! Being that my depression and hormone issues were only temporary, we really could have had it all, and it would have been better than any movie or song! That’s what makes me sad… we were so close. I just needed help, love and support through this hard time, and the rest of our lives would have been passionate and full of bliss!
Anyhow, it’s not John I miss… it’s the image of John that I had created that I miss. It’s the love I thought I had that I miss. It’s the beautiful future I envisioned for us that I miss and long for. It’s the truth I thought I was promised that I yearn for. It’s the years of my life that I gave to him that I miss. It seems ridiculous to miss things that never existed and that never happened; yet, somehow, I do. I hope it will end soon… missing the beautiful phantom boyfriend I created. I hope I find a real one one day!