Today, Dagan & Aurora were diagnosed with CRF (Chronic Renal Failure), aka Kidney Failure. They eat different food, have very different medical histories and kidney trouble is not contagious. How did this happen at the same time? What am I supposed to learn from this? It’s possible that I will lose both my children very close in time to one another. I may have weeks, months or years left with them… who knows. I will do everything it takes to make their time wonderful, comfortable and full of love! My heart is breaking. I can’t believe my babies have to suffer so.
Life is so fragile. You do your best to eat well so you don’t get sick, but no matter what… you will be faced with the possibilities of cancer (from your environment), of getting into an accident (we drive almost every day), or of getting killed maliciously. I read that two girls were walking home from an ice cream cafe in a nice neighborhood and someone drove by and shot them. Turns out, he had never seen them before in his life and didn’t know anything about them… he just shot them. One died instantly, the other is in critical condition.
Our skin is not made of metal. It can be sliced, cut, mutilated or punctured. Whatever gets in could infect us, spread bacteria throughout us, and could possibly kill us. Sometimes, we even ingest harmful things on purpose… we eat and drink things that are terrible for us. They deteriorate our bodies and weaken our ability to fight off harmful toxins. We are so fragile.
Not only do we have to take good care of ourselves, but those of us who are mothers (whether we’ve adopted or raised our own kids) have to care for the lives of others. My kids are adopted, and I am solely responsible for their health and safety. It kills me to think that maybe I didn’t do something right. I have been told I’ve done an amazing job, but when your kids are sick and dying, you can’t help but blame yourself for possibly missing something or making a bad decision at some point in the past. I can’t think of what I could have done wrong, but maybe I didn’t notice the signs early enough. Maybe I should have read more and learned more about aging kitties and kitty diseases. Maybe I would have seen more of the signs earlier. I know I can’t dwell on this, but it still crosses my mind and upsets me.
I then think of how difficult it is to be a good mother. I think of how scary it must be for a person raising a child inside them… I think it must be horrifying to know that every thing you put in your body will affect your baby. Everything you’ve done in the months before you were pregnant could also affect your baby. If you are overweight, everything you’ve done to your health can affect your baby. Wow, motherhood is frightening. I am totally amazed at my friends’ abilities to raise children of their own. I admire them. I could never do that… I am falling apart over kids I didn’t create or give birth to. Maybe I’m not that strong after all…
I am scared. I have never been one to live in fear, but I am truly scared. Today, I find myself thinking about my own organs and keeping them healthy. I find myself afraid to drive over the speed limit, afraid to go outside into the cold air. I find myself just wanting to crawl into bed with John and the kitties. Sadly, Dagan’s at the vet’s office and John’s working on a script with our friends. I do have Aurora and Sandy home with me, but neither of them feels like sitting with me right now. They are doing their own thing, as cats often do. I did get to spend some quality time with Aurora earlier. Megan came over and we watched Chocolat! Aurora sat with us through most of the movie! I love her so much! I love all our kitties so much. I love John, my sister, my dad, my friends and family! I am afraid to lose a loved one again… how much pain can our hearts take in one lifetime? We are so fragile, yet.. we go on. It’s amazing.