I feel real today. I feel the blood running in my veins. I feel the organs inside my rib cage. I feel the sensations of my skin. I feel. I feel.
For quite some time now, I’ve been numb. I’ve been avoiding feeling as much as possible, because every feeling was deeply painful. Not tonight… tonight, I feel alive.
I went to a meditation tonight in Burbank, and it was incredible. I was the only one who showed up, and I almost talked myself out of going. Megan helped talk me into going, and I am so glad she did!
Robert Willhite C.Ht., the man who guided the meditation is someone I have actually met before, on a photo meet-up! I had no idea he was a healer. Not only that, he spent 25 years in IT and Project Management. He’s now trying to grow his own business as a therapist and healer, and we are going through the same struggles with that. He is a practicing Buddhist, and shared lots of insight with me. He reminds me a lot of my mom in that way.
The meditation was in a few parts. We focused on being one with our minds, body and spirit. We focused on intentionally feeling and controlling emotion. We focused on breathing and opening up chakras. We focused on finding the root of emotional pain in order to help lessen the physical pain attached. It was very helpful.
During one of the meditation sessions, I actually found myself in a regression. I was about 4 or 5 years old, standing in my backyard (a field of soft, golden tall grass). I only could see the back of me. I was in an old polka dotted dress, had blond curly hair down past my shoulders by an inch. Though I couldn’t see my face, I was biting my nails or had the back of my finger in my teeth or something. There was a train track that ran through my yard. I was standing about 15 feet from the track, and was watching a train that just went by. It was gone by the time I entered this vision, but I could still hear the horn. I was listening to it fade into the distance, and I kept looking in the direction the train had gone… knowing I couldn’t see it, but it helped me to hear it. I was in a small trance from the sound. It was amazingly relaxing! If I were to guess, I’d say it was the 1940s or 1950s. I couldn’t see my mom, but I knew she looked a lot like Dolores (from Who Framed Roger Rabbit)… same clothing and hair style.
If I’m right, this must be the same life that I died in San Francisco of a drug overdose as a hippy in the Free Love movement. I know I died in the early 1970s, which means I had a pretty quick turn around between lives; but, I guess that happens sometimes. This wasn’t part of my vision at all tonight. This was a life I remembered from a vision many years ago. I think the two MUST be connected… the timeframe seems to work out pretty well.
Anyhow, when I came out of that vision of me as a child, I didn’t tell Robert anything about it. Instead, we chatted. We talked about simplicity in love and emotion. Wow, he didn’t even know it, but he tapped into something I’ve been thinking about for days… simplicity, and how pure and beautiful it is. I have always related to my inner child. I have always been honest, pure, simple, direct, logical, and curious. That is the Alice within me. This conversation took me full circle. We talked about how those who have simple, child-like emotions and openness tend to be those who are on a very connected spiritual path.
I appear to wander away from my spiritual studies when I think I “know myself” well enough; however, the truth is, I am always a student of my life (spiritual, mental, and emotional). Even when I am not reading or talking about the meaning of my life or who I am, I am still living and breathing the life I set out to live. I am so well connected with my spiritual guides and deeper self that I tend to not make a big deal of it. When I need help or to focus on something personal or spiritual, I just do it… without issue or verbal discussion. It’s something I know so well that I don’t need to “figure it out” the way that some people expect me to have to.
Anyhow, it was great to talk to someone else about simplicity and pure, unlimited love and trust. After that, we did a meditation where I was brought to a place where I could feel myself breathe, feel my blood flowing, and this is what is sticking with me the most. I am feeling my life, and I recognize how beautiful and fragile it is. When I came out of that meditation segment, Robert asked me to sit up and open my eyes. The moment I did, I noticed the most beautiful pink rose I had ever seen. It was sitting on the alter behind Robert, yet, he never once blocked it. I have no clue why I didn’t see it before that moment… over 1.5 hours into our session. I kept staring at it. It was alive, even though cut off from it’s roots. It was surviving beautifully; and, though cut at the stem, it thrived on the energy of the world and life around it. It was part of us, part of a moment in time, and continuing to be. It made me very happy.
Robert told me that rose belongs to me, and that I must take it with me. I was so grateful. I haven’t been given a rose in a really really long time, and I had never seen a rose this beautiful before! It is the most perfect thing I have ever seen. I don’t even think a photo will do it justice, but I will take one tomorrow when it is still light out.
So, now, I am home and relaxing with the kitties. I am fully aware that I am not too far from the end of my emotional roller coaster ride. The drops are always harsh on powerful coasters, but you can’t get off the ride part way through… you must finish the ride. I’m not too far from the end now; and though there are more drops ahead, I know it will soon be over and I expect that the drops won’t be as steep as they’ve been. This won’t be the last coaster I’ll ever ride, but I think it will be a long time before I’ll have to ride one like this again.
The truth is, life isn’t easy. Relationships are not easy. Communication is not easy. Being human and a biological being isn’t easy. Having emotions isn’t easy. Still, life and love is worth the fight! I fall down a lot, and I get bruised up really freakin’ bad; but, I will never give up the fight!