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May 17 2009

Sleepy Time

It’s 12:43am now, and I had a good weekend. I am very thankful for my wonderful friends who have kept me company on the phone, via text, on IM and in person.

Today, I had a house cleaner come over to help get this place looking good and in order. It feels really good to have a clean apartment! After she left, I edited photos for a bit, fed the kitties, then went up to the Palace to watch The Long Kiss Good-Night. We were waiting for Matt & Stephanie to get there to start it, so we watched Office Space first. It was a very relaxing night… I needed it!

Still, though I had a good weekend, my mind kept wishing I were in Troy for ErinStock / Cracker. Also, throughout the weekend I had a few panic attacks (not very major ones). I am still in shock and still in a state of mourning my dead relationship with John. I’m going through a lot of mood swings. Mostly though, I at a point where I am more angry and upset than sad.

I realized, just today, that instead of giving me the benefit of the doubt, John actually judged me. We have since talked, and he truly believes (looking back) that my personality and actions were all from the heart, honest, and with love.

However, when I look back, I see that he absolutely judged me to be like every other girl – doing something against her wishes and saying she’s fine with it, being controlling, being inflexible. Wow, I am not any of these things. I know that we both agreed that it was silly to think I was, since I only loved him and wanted to be with him. Still, it angers me so much that he held judgment on me when he was supposed to be the one person who would never do that… the one person who was supposed to give me the benefit of the doubt and love and trust me to be real!

I know me well, and I know that I am quite flexible even when I make plans. I love to make plans – plans mean more fun and also they save time and money. As for spontenaity, I never minded for more than a minute if plans fell through. At first, I might have been disappointed, but that never lasted more than a few minutes. Then, I’d think about things and decide what to do… most often, I decided to go with the flow of whatever was going to happen next. I didn’t fight it. I embraced it and made the best of it, willingly… and I always had a great time! I was also very honest about changing my mind if plans changed. I never did anything I didn’t want to do. I either changed my mind or decided not to go. I never pretended to have fun or that I was okay with something I wasn’t! Wow!

I can’t believe he didn’t trust me… he judged me to be this awful person! 🙁 I am very upset about this. I wish I knew he felt this way earlier. I would have had a talk with him about it, because I didn’t deserve that poor treatment. I thought he knew me! Seems like he really didn’t. If that’s the case, who was he claiming to be in love with? It makes me really upset to think that he didn’t give me the energy or effort to really know and appreciate me and all I am capable of. Pisses me off, in fact!

Right now, I’m going to head to bed and cuddle with the kitties. I am so happy to have them in my life! They love me so much, and it makes every day special and wonderful knowing I have their love and can share mine with them!