Mar 12 2009

Potential Energy Build Up

I am severely anxious today! My foot is tapping like mad, and I am stuck stuck stuck!

As I sit here reading CNN, seeing stories like Madoff Pleads Guilty, GPS Sex Offender Kills Teen, Teen Kills Former Classmates in Germany, Democrats Impatient, Steele Angers Republicans for His Abortion Comments, Stupid Singers Back Together After Abuse… blah blah blah, I am feeling extremely uneasy about the world.

Today started off as a beautiful sunny day. I drove in to work without much of a care; but, when I got here, I felt trapped. I am fine with being here at a desk. This is where I’d be if I were home; but, I feel like there is so much going on outside of this “zone,” and that I have no way to affect any of it from here (or at all).

Here’s what’s frustrating me:
1. Bobby called… divorce denied due to address differences, name change, and more! Well, yeah… he has a new address and I changed my name. We submitted the new information with our paperwork. The court doesn’t care apparently. They offer no solution either. Do we have to start this process over? It’s been years now! I don’t know what to do. Bobby & I are going to go over the rejection later tonight. I want to go fix it right now; but, I can’t. I can’t hire a lawyer, nor can I leave the office. If I could, there’d be nowhere to go. The court won’t answer questions. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bobby’s angrier than I am.

2. I got a call to officiate a wedding in mid-October on a Friday. Well, I don’t know where I’ll be working or if I can take off of work. Do I take it and just tell whatever job I get that I’m taking off that day, and the week before for my Sedona (prepaid) trip, and for Christmas to New Years so I can visit my family in FL? I also have other Friday weddings that I have booked… this is the 3rd one! How many can I get away with? Should I just not take clients on Fridays? I hate to do that. 🙁 I don’t know what to do. It’s not even like I can ask my boss, since I don’t have a perm position yet.

3. Transition – I feel like I’ve been in transition for years now! I haven’t found a career path to start climbing, I keep getting laid off, I keep having money issues and medical bills (cats), and I haven’t found a roommate yet. Everything is so up in the air that I feel like I have NO solid ground under my feet at all. I feel like the whole country is feeling this emotion; but, there’s very little we can do about it. For me, it started well before the economic meltdown. I can’t say I am more “used to the idea” though.

4. I’ve really thought about going back for my MBA, but every recruiter and HR manager I’ve spoken with has told me it’d be a waste of money and time if I don’t go to a credible school like UCLA, USC or at the lowest, CSU. Well, if I get / take this job, I won’t be able to go to any of those as they don’t have online degrees and classes start at 6pm in far away locations. I work til almost 7pm, and can’t leave early. So, my whole plan to take this job and get my MBA so that I can move up in the world is kinda falling apart. I can get an HR Certificate online, but it’s not as good as an MBA. 🙁

5. Cell phone is dead. I should have charged it. I hate that it’s dead and my charger is at home.

6. Palm Pilot is dead. I should have charged that too! I can’t even check my personal calendar or make possible plans for anything.

7. What bothers me most of all is that I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I want a house, so that I can have space to do my artistic projects and display my memorabilia that is rotting in boxes out of view. I want a patio to do my silversmithing. I want silversmithing equipment. I want a darkroom again. I miss the smell of developer!

I want to travel more. I still haven’t been to Japan, Hawaii, or Seattle… places I’ve wanted to go for ages! I also want to get back to places I love, but who has the time for that!?!

I want more money to enjoy my life and youth more – go to the movies, try new restaurants, go to theme parks, buy new clothes (mine are so 90s), buy gifts for people’s birthdays, go to dinner with people on their birthdays, and start saving for retirement!!! I’m not sure of the best way to accomplish this. If it means I must sacrifice my career ambitions (whatever they are… I think they have to do with working in HR and / or photography), will I be happy? I don’t know.

I do know that, in this economy, there are fewer options for me than some of my fellow unemployed Americans: I do not have an MBA, I mostly have Exec Assist experience (since moving to LA), have lots of lay-offs and job changes on my resume, and am not willing to move out of LA (leaving John and my sister). What are my options? I would LOVE an answer to this question! All the research I do daily, nightly… I can’t find this answer. I keep finding “none” as the answer, which is really disconcerting.

Part of me wants to try to make it work as a photographer, but another part of me is scared to death that I will be miserable with the income: unable to function the way I would like to in my life. Another part of me wants to be a part time photographer, using a full time job to live on and my photography income to travel with and buy new equipment with.

I guess that’s most people’s problem: choosing between being in control of your time and being controlled by the schedule of full time employment. Both have benefits and consequences. In this economy, where our competition is soooooo high, how much are we willing to risk? I’m not a very risky person to begin with (not when it comes to money at least).

So, here I am… frustrated, in transition, locked-in to not knowing what I want or what I can have, and wondering when I’ll find out. I sometimes think I control my life. Other times, I feel like I’m at the whim of a very large and powerful force well beyond my understanding. Today, I feel more of the latter.