I started taking Lexapro yesterday. I fought the idea of taking anti-depressants for so very long. I had seen way too many people lose their creativity, lose their passion, lose their motivation, and become somewhat numb. I didn’t want to be like them. So, I tried really hard to manage depression on my own by talking to people, taking pictures of the beautiful world, not holding back tears, going out with friends to stay busy, and writing…. well, it’s not enough.
On Tuesday, I broke. I snapped. I lost it. I couldn’t function, and I needed help. I asked for help. I got it. I accepted help. I took advice. So now, I am on Lexapro and planning a trip back East to visit my aunt for a week to get away from it all. I’m not job hunting right now. I am not stressing about anything right now. If I need to lay down, that’s what I’ll do. If I need to watch TV, that’s what I’ll do. I am not going to force myself into a panic due to overwhelming obligations. I do have to go downstairs and pay rent. I do have to burn a CD and mail it, but I will try to get help with that later tonight. For now, I’m just breathing and trying to relax.
Lexapro has mixed reviews. I had a friend call me from FL who has been on it for awhile now. He had all the same symptoms as I am going through: numb teeth, tinny / metallic taste in my mouth, super fast heartbeat (that scared me), shakiness, anxiousness, inability to focus, light-headedness, tiredness, dehydration, and loss of appetite.
Yesterday, after my first 10mg pill, within half an hour, my symptoms started. I felt like I had a hangover in a way. I was useless to get up off the couch for hours and hours. By night, Bobby came by and I was able to walk to get frozen yogurt, which helped too.
Last night, I went to sleep around 11:30pm. I woke up just before 5am, but wasn’t as emotional or panicked as normal, even though I was still reviewing sad things in my head. I practiced breathing, and tossed and turned for quite some time. I was hot, then cold, then hot, then cold. I turned down the air, but was still hot. I stayed in bed regardless. I know I needed rest, so I just laid there. Laying there did actually help, even though I didn’t fall back asleep.
Around 8:45am, I got up to feed the cats and made a 1/2 bowl of cereal. I ate most of it. Then, I took my 2nd dose of Lexapro. The side effects began about 45 minutes later. They are not as strong as yesterday, as I am actually able to type and stare at the computer. My foot won’t stay still though, at all. My mouth tastes metallic. I’m slightly weary and light-headed; but, other than that, I think I’m better today.
I think I will adjust soon. My biggest concern lately has been my health. I haven’t wanted to eat and I can’t seem to sleep. I just hope the meds will get me functioning again; and, if it does that, then I can start to recover in other ways and deal with the issues causing me the most stress and sadness.
My greatest worry is become two different people: Arie on meds and Arie off meds. How do you build relationships when you are two different people? And, what if the people that you interact with like the medicated Arie better? How will that affect me? What if I ever go off these? I do plan on it, after 6 months or so. These are very heavy concerns of mine, but I guess I’ll just have to see. I definitely don’t want to stay on these forever just to keep up approval of those around me. I want to be loved for me, but I know I have a lot of baggage that gets strewn about everywhere when I talk to people.
I am certain people will be happier to see me happy, but is it a false happiness? Is it real because I’ve made it real (with the aid of meds)? What is real or fake when it comes to being yourself on and off medication? This is a new mental place for me, and one I have avoided for years. I’ve definitely got mixed emotions about it, and I am scared people will like me better on meds. I am scared that I will not want to go off them for that reason. I am scared of losing the natural state of me, even though I am not able to handle that “me” right now.
It’s very odd. Even as I write this, I am somewhat “whatever” about it. I guess I’ve kinda thrown my hands up in the air. My options are limited, so I just have to go down this path for a while and see what happens. Wish me luck!
Tags: depression, lexapro, meds
I had two dreams last night. One was not so good, but the 2nd was very helpful… it was Sandy, speaking to me.
In my dream, I was on my right side, curled up in bed. Sandy was sitting in front of me, looking at me with her big gorgeous green eyes. She started speaking to me, but not with her mouth… just with her mind. Her eyes and nods went along with every word she said to me. What she said was very helpful. Though I have heard it before, coming from Sandy made it very real:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Mom,
* Dad loved you conditionally. You loved him unconditionally.
* Dad loved you with part of his heart. You loved him with all of your heart.
* Dad kept things inside and didn’t communicate with you. You shared every concern and thought with him.
* Dad convinced himself that he should pretend things are okay, even if he was upset because he thought things would work themselves out on their own. You never pretended around him. You showed him every emotion the moment you had it.
You were right and remembered correctly that when dad came over to talk to you, he recognized and acknowledged that all of the other concerns and issues he had were misunderstandings and quite trivial in the long-run. When you asked him, “so, you agree that I was not being controlling but just wanted to spend more time with you, and that I was not actually rigid in my plans, I just had to take a minute to adjust to the change before deciding to go along with a new plan?” He said, “yes, I just didn’t see it before.” Then you asked, “so, the only real issue comes down to you not feeling wanted?” He said, “yes.” So, you see mom, him feeling like you weren’t “right for each other” is only because he’s creating that reasoning now. He did not lie when he agreed that the only problem you were having was him feeling a lack of intimacy. He only recently has created reasons to believe you weren’t right together in order to justify him leaving and he’s making small things much larger than they were. It is his way of staying sane while feeling guilty.
You did believe the two of you were happy and perfect because that is what he showed you. He never showed you any signs that he was unhappy or thought the two of you weren’t the greatest couple on earth. You could not have known. Mom, this is NOT your fault. He left you because he is not capable of loving another human being until he learns to become selfless and secure deep in his heart. The love he has is a form of love, but it is not the love you need. It is not very powerful and will not fulfill you. He is not capable of fulfilling anyone right now. He has to become selfless and learn how to trust.
I watched you mom, and I know your heart. Don’t doubt yourself, ever. You were loving, loyal, kind, considerate, appreciative, respectful, honest, passionate, open-minded, helping, trusting, giving, and upfront. You are the perfect mom and the perfect wife for any man lucky enough to marry you. Dad is far from perfect, but I love him. You are the one who made him perfect. You made him happy, you had confidence in him and believed in him. You saw the best in him and made him shine. Without you, he will be lost. Nobody will be able to find him until he wants to be found. Once he is ready to be found, it will be someone else who will find him because you will not even be looking for him anymore at that point. It is going to take him a very very long time to become the man he will eventually want to be and a man worthy of your love; but, by then, you won’t love him anymore, not even a little. I know you don’t believe me right now, but I know this. The universe is speaking through me as a channel. He will love you and regret the pain he caused you for much longer than you will even think of him. Dad does not recognize when things are great. He creates problems where there are none because he is not ready to be happy in aspects of love. Again, he is not selfless yet.
You are ready, and when your pain subsides a bit, you will be capable of being an amazing partner to whomever you chose to love. You do know what love is, unconditional love, passionate love, universal love. Dad doesn’t know what love is yet. He lives in box and didn’t let you in. He doesn’t trust others. He doesn’t trust himself. You didn’t see the box because he didn’t show you.
Mom, the one thing I want you to know is that, when you look back, you will only see things as he wanted you to see them. He wanted to be perfect in your eyes. He wanted to make you happy. So, that is what he showed you. You could not have known he was hiding such a deep darkness inside, because he never let you in. Mom, you are not to blame. I love you. I promise you that you did everything right. You loved him, you cared about him, you did everything to help him and be there for him. I know you put pressure on yourself for having physical issues and neurological issues; but, you can not convince yourself that you had control over those. You did not. You weren’t even aware of these things, and dad did not help you become aware of them. Just mentioning things is not enough, and that is all he did. Just like you have been saying, “love is the driving force behind the energy needed to work through tough times.” Though he believes he is, dad is not capable of that kind of love yet. You believed that he was, and this is very beautiful of you. You see potential in others, and that is very precious. So, trust me… this was not your fault. I will repeat this to you every night if I must. It is not your fault, mom.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
When I opened my eyes, I was indeed laying on my right hand side and Sandy was sitting right in front of me… looking at me with her big beautiful green eyes. She chirped at me as soon as I looked at her. I love her so much, and I am so thankful to have her in my life. She really is incredible and I feel so connected to her.
So, today is a new day. I start my Lexapro today, and I hope it helps me sleep and stay level. I’ve never been on anti-depressants before; but, I think that I need some help getting through all the tough times right now. A lot is happening at once, and I am not at my strongest to fight it all on my own. Yesterday, I didn’t think I’d get through this. Today, with the help of Lyse, Jay, Gavin, Heather, Bobby and the kitties, I think I’ll be ok. It’s just going to be slower than I’d like.
Tags: dream
I had a really really bad breakdown today. I woke up at 2:30am or so with my usual nightmare of John breaking up with me. I live it over and over every night. You’d think it would get easier by now, but I think it’s getting worse.
The lack of sleep I’m getting from waking up every night to terrible dreams (and not being able to fall back asleep) is causing me to physically break down. On top of that, depression sets in to make matters worse and I can’t eat. I am well aware that I need to sleep and eat. I am well aware that I will be okay one day. I am well aware that I will meet someone one day who really does love me. Right now, however, I am deeply sad.
Love is the driving force behind relationships. When there is love, there is communication. When there is love, there is respect. When there is love, there is trust. When there is love, there is openness. When there is love, there is the NEED to try to make things work at all costs. I’m not talking about the love between friends. I’m talking about the love that two people in a romantic relationship share and thrive upon.
John still claims he loved me; but, I don’t believe him. I talked to a few people today about love and how things played out, and the consensus is that he did not love me. He may have believed he loved me, but it’s not the same thing. This kind of love (the love that I had for him) is so special and deep. This kind of love is the love you can’t do without. Love is something you live and die for. Love is the driving force behind the energy it takes to get through tough times. When there is love, you can do anything!
John did not love me. I am sad I spent over 2 years believing he did. He told me today that “we weren’t right together.” He believes I’ll see it someday when I look back on our relationship; but, the honest truth is I will never see it by looking back. I can only see it by looking at him now and knowing that he did not love me and that he was incapable of keeping his promises to me. When I look back at our relationship, I see two people who were so happy and had so much fun together. I see two people who had so much in common and who enjoyed doing almost everything together. I see two people who loved to travel and explore together. I see two people who were deep and full of passion for one another. I see two people who looked deep into each other’s eyes and souls and said, “hi” as if welcoming each other into a very special place in our hearts. I do not see anything in our history that shows me we weren’t right. The only thing not right about us is the fact that he didn’t love me and didn’t want to work things out with me (for some unknown reason). The thing that is not right is that he believes it was not right, but has no clue “why.”
If two people are not right together, you know! You know before 2.75 years passes by. In fact, if someone feels that things aren’t right, they act distant and concerned. They show signs. They talk to their partner about something being off. He didn’t do any of those things. He pretended things were perfect and wonderful through the morning of the day he left me.
He also told me today that “we were not perfect and happy until the end and you need to see that from your perspective.” What?! From MY perspective, we were 100% happy and looking towards a wonderful future together. I was sooooooooooo happy when I was with him. I thought we were the perfect couple. We never really fought. We’d talk things out when we were sad or concerned. We enjoyed 99% of everything we did together. We had deep passion for one another. We loved so many of the same things. We had very similar beliefs about life and people and society. We had the same passion for our kitties as one another. We looked forward to seeing each other every single day and holding each other. Well, at least I thought we did. From MY perspective, this is what it looked like. I was lead to believe every one of these things as he never showed any signs to concern me otherwise.
If he wasn’t happy and didn’t think we were a perfect couple, then he didn’t love me the way I loved him. He loved me like a friend, not like a romantic partner that you’d want to spend your whole life with. If he wasn’t happy, he should have talked to me. He should have communicated his unhappiness and concerns to me. He should have discussed and worked to resolve things with me the moment he realized things weren’t perfect from his perspective.
From mine, I was so happy that I had no concerns. I was so happy with him that I saw us getting married and living a wonderful life together. I knew he was busy with BITN and other stuff. I respected that. I knew he was working on lots of projects and helping others with theirs. I was very respectful of that too. It was not a cause for concern to me. I just “knew” in my heart that he’d be successful and we’d have all the time in the world to spend together – for the rest of our lives. I had NO concerns about us. It wasn’t til after he left me that money and his lack of communication about these feelings became an issue. While we were together, I had no worries about money as I thought we were a couple and would be combining it anyhow down the road. When we were a couple, I thought he WAS communicating with me.
I am really upset with him for leading me on for so long. I am really mad at him for staying in a relationship with me for as long as he did if he wasn’t happy. I am furious with him for not addressing his concerns with me and working to resolve them when they arose. That is NOT love! That is selfishness and a lack of respect. For that, I am truly and deeply angry with him… He lead me to believe we were amazing. He “acted” so happy around me. He treated me as if we were going to be together forever. He even emailed me pictures of wedding bands he liked. He even went with me from store to store looking for the perfect trillion engagement ring for me. Is that the sign of someone who is unhappy and believes we weren’t right together? Hell no!
The reason I am so emotional about this subject is because I feel betrayed, taken advantage of, lied to, mislead, deceived, and disrespected.
To everyone out there, don’t ever tell your partner you love them and want to spend the rest of your life with them if you aren’t willing to communicate with them, trust them, and work through the hard times together through thick and thin. Don’t ever do this to someone. I did not deserve to have this done to me, and I am filled with anger and resentment due to how I was treated. Anyone in my shoes would be!
No matter what he says to me, he will never convince me he truly and deeply loved me. I believe he loved me like a friend; but, that is not what we were. We were in a committed, deep, and long-term relationship. We lived together. We adopted a cat together. With this kind of commitment, you can’t just walk away. You communicate and work things out, or don’t get in this deep in the first place. The fact that he did all these things makes me believe he didn’t consider the consequences, which is NOT a respectful thing to do in a relationship. If you are going to move in with someone and adopt a kid with them, you better be planning a future with them and be willing to work through concerns and not hide anything from your partner.
I don’t even know what else to say. I don’t think I can ever forgive him for this…
Tags: love
I really wish I could go back in time to the old west for a vacation. I hate that I am limited to visiting places in the present time period. I want to experience different cultures that are long gone. It’d be nice if my dreams took me there at least, but that never happens.
Right now, it’s 7:31pm, and I am pretty sick. I have a cold (sore throat, sinus pressure, exhaustion, sore muscles, weakness, etc.). The shitty thing is, it came on today and I start work tomorrow. I hope it’s a 24hr thing and that I’m better by tomorrow.
I hope I do well at work tomorrow. I am a bit weak right now, but hopefully I can muster up the attention and strength to kick some ass tomorrow. Wish me luck!
Dagan & Aurora are looking out the window, watching birds. I love the kitties so much. Kitties make life so much better!
=====================
Thursday:
* Got hired (on the spot, during my 3rd interview) at PCC
* Michael Jackson and Farrah Faucet died
* Lyse, Violet & I went shopping in Hollywood
* Watched Psych with Megan & Missy
Friday:
* Saw the Hangover with Eamon and Violet
* Lyse & I met with a client in San Fernando (wedding officiating). She booked the gig.
* Went to Josh & Jul’s and watched Virtuality and True Blood with Matt, Shock and Greg
Saturday:
* Lead a photo meet-up at the LA Zoo
* Worked on Back on Topps (played a Hooker)
* Went to Koji’s for karaoke with Violet, Eamon, Ryan, Bobby, Laury & Jay (Jay’s Birthday)
– I sang Goo Goo Dolls (Here is Gone), RHCP (Otherside), Toad (Good Intentions), Bon Jovi (Livin’ on a Prayer), Def Leppard (Love Bites => which Violet & I took over from Ryan) and some other stuff
Sunday:
* Performed a wedding in Redondo Beach
* Met with a client (wedding officiating) in El Segundo and booked
* Went to Target
* Had a really harsh breakdown
* Talked to Emily
* Talked to Sara
* Talked to Mike
* Rested and ate some soup and gold fish crackers
* Watching Young Guns
Tags: back on topps, karaoke, wedding
Friday – watched a bunch of episodes of Psych with Megan & Maria
Saturday – photographed a wedding in Palmdale with Michele. It was quite small, but we worked it as if it were 200 people! I know we got some great shots!
Stayed up late hanging out with Michele and downloading pix. Had trouble sleeping – woke up a lot during the night.
Sunday – drove home without a shower, did Violet’s headshots, got a shower and dressed for a night out.
Went to Elysia’s improv show at Improv Olympic.
Went to Roberto and Rosita’s (Violet’s friends) place for a bit, and had a great time talking to them.
Went to Springbok for Emmett’s birthday karaoke party! There were some awesome singers, and Eamon gets an award for doing Kanye West! That was awesome in so many ways! The party was super fun and I had an amazing time. Emmett sang incredibly, and I had a kick ass performance of Alice Cooper’s Ballad of Dwight Fry. I also backed Rich up on U2’s With or Without You. Voilet backed me up on Billy Joel’s Pressure. I hung out with everyone til the Bok closed and we all got booted.
Once home, Violet & I talked for a bit. I wasn’t doing so well. I ended up having severe insomnia and edited over 140 pix from the party. I put them all up on FB and went to bed around 6am – after the sun came up & birds started chirping.
I woke up around 8:15am, tossing and turning from nightmares. I also felt very anxious. I laid in bed as long as I could, then got up and went online for a bit before getting a shower. I had my 2nd job interview at 1:30pm, which went well – despite how tired I was. My therapy appt was at 3pm, but I was 30 min late. I still got charged the full amt, and only got to stay for 30 min.
Once home, I canceled my 7pm coffee meeting and spent the evening relaxing with the kitties. I am exhausted and plan to go to sleep early tonight. Wish me luck!
Tomorrow – no solid plans yet. May have lunch with Sara and dinner with Shanea (my 7pm coffee raincheck from today).
Tags: emmett's birthday, insomnia, karaoke, wedding
Sandy is on my lap. Aurora is by my side. Dagan is behind my head on the back of the couch. Gracie is on the bed. I love kitty nap time! I tried to sleep in today, but ended up waking up at 9am, but I did get about 8 hours of sleep – very much needed.
This morning was better than yesterday; but, I am working really hard to figure things out and learn what I can. With the help of therapy and great friends, I have simply come up with the following:
* I loved John, unconditionally and with all my heart.
* I supported John emotionally and financially through hard times.
* I never let John’s depression, moods, or problems affect how I felt about him.
* I never would have given up on him.
Knowing this, feeling this at my very core, allows me to know that John leaving me was not my fault at all. Even though I didn’t show him the initiation he wanted from me, I know without even a fraction of a doubt that I wanted him and loved him with all my heart, guts, muscles, soul, and emotion.
I am 100% certain, confirmed by doctors, online communities, and my therapist, that my lack of initiation stemmed from a combination of career-driven and social-connection depression, low testosterone levels, financial stress, and a biological inability to effectively communicate my needs with loved ones (part of my learning disability).
What I want:
* Someone who loves me truly, deeply, unconditionally, and selflessly.
* Someone I am attracted to at least as much as I am attracted to John.
* Someone who appreciates my struggles and will work with me to form an understand that will lead to a more meaningful relationship in the long-run.
I know what love is. I have given love and I have received love in my short life. It’s not as easy to recognize true love coming in (as it can blind us, fool us, and be mimicked with actions that resemble love); but, if you have experienced true love once, you never forget it! If you have close family members that you would do ANYTHING for and be lost without, then you know what love is. Love takes work. You may not always get along with your family, and you may go through tough times with them, but your love drives you to stick by their side and work things out. It drives you to support them and never give up on them. That is love!
In a romantic relationship, that deep, true love is accompanied by passion and intimacy; but, those two things alone do not equal love. If those two things seem to be wavering a bit, but you are willing to work through this slump, then you know that love is real. That love is the driving force that will give you the energy to work through tough times. That love is the air that is breathed into the relationship when it feels like it is dying. That love is the magic spell that comes from your heart to heal your partner when they are sick (sick = depressed, stressed, sad, lost, confused, etc.).
Love is the greatest and most powerful emotion any human can ever experience. It is so vital to life that people will kill and die for it. Love is the most beautiful feeling in the universe; and, no matter how bad things get, it is the light that will guide you to happiness and success.
This is the love I have inside me to give someone worthy of it. This is the love I gave to John. This is the love that I will one day give to someone else; and, next time, it will be someone who will do the same for me!
I’m sad it isn’t going to be John, but I just don’t think he’s at a stage in life where he’s capable of this type of love. It’s very powerful and can certainly be draining at times (though fulfillment follows almost immediately after a drain).
He may just not be ready to experience this type of power and magic. He may still have a lot of experiences to go through and ego to dissolve before he’s ready to participate in something this grand and god-like. I think he will one day get there. If I didn’t feel that way, I never would have connected with him in the first place.
I am just sad that when he does finally open himself up to being a being of light and love, I will have already moved on. I know I shouldn’t be sad about this because I’ll have someone wonderful who loves me, but I’m still in mourning right now.
I am still upset that our timing was so off, and that he was just not ready to give me the depth of love that I was giving him.
I am still upset that I let myself be deceived by his level of love and commitment to me and to us.
I am still upset that true love didn’t exist within him (for me), which would have driven the energy it would have taken to make it through this low point in our relationship.
It’s hard to look back and see things so clearly, and realize just how blind you actually were at the time. It’s hard to know how much time and energy was given to something that was never going to work out. It’s hard to know that the person you thought loved you in the same way you loved them, wasn’t actually able to meet you half way. Expectations are hard to live up to, I know; and, he didn’t live up to mine. I am very disappointed and sad because I really thought he would be the one person who could do it… the one person who was my true match in every way!
I guess John just wasn’t ready, and I can’t fault him for this. It’s just terribly unfortunate. His intentions were good for most of the relationship, and I do appreciate that.
I know a lot of people say this, but I really really mean it. I wake up every day before my alarm clock from awful dreams. Each one of them involves John. Some are great and I wake up sad that he’s not here. Others are terrible and I wake up in a panic, reminding of the love that died. I never wake up relaxed or rested. I’ve been tired since the day he left me.
Today was especially hard. I stayed in bed, crying and trying to convince myself that things will get better. I will find someone who will love me, even with all my quirks and moodiness. I will find a great job that pays me what I am worth until my photography business takes off. I will be able to be happy at my core again.
My problem is, I am running out of patience and energy. Each day I wake up tired and in tears, I get closer and closer to not wanting to wake up at all. I don’t know why mornings are getting harder and harder for me. Once I get a shower, I am usually OK… not great, but functional. Sadly, I have been falling apart a lot during the day too. I think that losing my job due to my depression, which was due to the loss of my love, is starting to really affect me.
The kitties are the ones who get me up and get me going. If they didn’t want food, I don’t think I’d even get out of bed. I am really hopeful this passes soon. I can’t keep on like this. I’m really worn out. My heart breaks over and over every day. My mind wanders and races about my past and my future. My desire to live gets weaker and weaker.
Before you start worrying about me, know that I am a very responsible mother and would never leave my kids. I also would not do anything that would cause my sister any pain. She’s had a rough enough life losing our mom and battling cancer. So, know that I WILL make it through. It’s just the “wanting to” that is really difficult. I won’t go into details, but my mind gets filled with very very dark thoughts.
I want to thank everyone who texted me this morning and helped me get out of bed, in addition to the kitties who wanted food. I want to thank all of those who put up with my moods, depression, anxiety, panicked reactions, and the communication trouble which seems to be quite enhanced at this point in my life.
Since my position change at Disney in early 2007, I have been slipping deeper and deeper into a dark place. My greatest light was the love in my heart – going out and coming in. That light has gone out, and I am drowning in darkness. I am so scared. I have no clue what is going to happen next.
I tell myself to be hopeful, but I feel so hopeless. I feel like I’m going to end up taking another job I don’t like that pays me less than what I need. I feel like every guy who falls in love with me will eventually leave me due to communication issues or misunderstandings. I feel like maybe I’m living a very difficult life, and I’m only 31. Did I choose this? Maybe this will be my last reincarnation? Maybe I won’t have to keep coming back here after this. Maybe this life will be full of trials and tragedy, and then I’ll die… and then, I’ll get an eternity of rest. I’m not hoping for a life of tough times. Trust me, I wish it would be all up hill from here! In fact, I am begging my mom and the angels for that very thing! Of course, unless what I said above was true… that this will be a rough life and that I have a lot more tough lessons to learn. Then, nothing I pray or wish for will happen… I’ll just have to live out the destiny I planned for this particular life and body. I guess we’ll see where things go.
The truth is, I am not sure what my breaking point is. I am not sure how much more I can take before I end up checking myself into a crazy house or taking off for the forest. I wish I could be more optimistic. I wish I could act on the things I believe – that life is lessons to learn and that everything is truly OK. Still, I feel like I am getting closer and closer to crazy. If my depression deepens, I think I’ll be there pretty soon.
Please please send some peace my way. Please send some happy thoughts and positive energy my way. I have no reason to believe that I will not wake up tomorrow; so, when I do, I hope it will be a better day. I hope I will have some good news. I hope I will see some light return to my soul…
I hope.
3pm to 8:45pm – Photographed a wedding in Pasadena with Michele
9pm to 11pm – Reviewed photos with Michele
11:38pm – Arrive at Koji’s. Order a drink and sign up for some singin’
11:45pm – Singing Toad the Wet Sprocket (of course)
Sometime after 11:50pm – Elysia & Jay show up.
Sometime after 12:30am – Bobby & Laury show up.
Sometime between 12:45am and 1:45am – Laury & I entertain ourselves with our own commentary on the thoughts of people leaving the Highlands (club) across from Koji’s. I think we were dead on!
2am – Laury gets hit by a car crossing Hollywood Blvd at Highland. It just tapped him, but he was so angry that he pounded on their windshield and yelled at them. They quickly raised their side windows in fear. Haha! He showed them. I think the driver peed a little.
2:10am – Went inside Mel’s Diner on Highland, drunk and full of pee. I texted Twitter while peeing while drunk.
2:15am – Seated for food, waitress named Piper was awesome… very snarky! I was shunned in the soup department. Their vegetable was NOT vegetarian. Boo!
2:45am – Chowin’ down on Grilled Cheese. Gave my fries away to Jay, who somehow joined us after 30 min.
3:40am – Walking back to Hollywood & Highland parking and see 2 cops j-walking diagonally across Highland. Boo!
3:41am – Came across three guys, one in a helmet. Helmet man was drunk out of his mind and had a tooth painted black to make him look even more ridiculous! His two friends couldn’t stop laughing at him as they walked 10 feet ahead of him. Brilliant.
3:44am – Jay & I arrive at Prius, notice Bobby’s Prius a few cars over. Bobby & Laury had gotten off the elevator the floor above. Hmmm. Seconds later, they pour out of doors heading towards Prius. Hilarious!
4:07am – Arrive home, exactly when my Prius said I would.
4:26am – Bed Time!
Yes, I know this. I also know it is the place that I go to reach out to the millions or couple of people who want to read about what I am thinking, feeling, or going through. It helps me feel connected to the world, as I am often very lonely (even in crowds of people I know and like).
I am asking each and every one of you this simple favor:
If you have a problem with what I am writing or saying, please take it up with me directly. Do not create drama or cause any heartache in others. Come to me directly and tell me what bothers you about what I have written… and WHY. I want to know. I want to know you and your thoughts. If you have taken the time to read my blog, I want to know you! Please, do me this one favor.
To me, blogging is therapy. I was given permission to blog about my relationship from John by John himself. He and I talked heart to heart, and he told me to say what I need to say, to be angry if I need to be angry, to vent if I need to vent, and do anything I need to do to get through the pain that he had caused me. I was very grateful for that – knowing that he recognized the pain I was in and that I would need help getting through it.
Blogging is my way of asking for help – whether it be asking someone to just listen and love me, or asking for advice or a shoulder to cry on. Blogging is my way of getting the pain transferred from my heart to the external world, where I don’t have to deal with it all alone.
I do say very intimate things on here sometimes, which many may find inappropriate. If that is the case, please do not read. This is not the blog for you. I am very open and honest with what is going on inside me, and have no reason to hold back.
Being human is being real, being emotional, being true to yourself and who you are and how you are feeling. I know that society tries to make us conform to certain norms and standards, but that’s probably why I have always associated myself with the anarchy of subcultures.
I am real and be completely me at all times. I do not censor myself. I do not hold back feelings or emotions. I know it is expected of people to do so, but it is not who I am (or even who I’d want to be). I do not believe in telling secrets (”why should anyone have secrets?” is how my mind works). I do not believe in hiding from anything. These beliefs are deeply part of who I am. If I don’t fit into the world because of them, then maybe I should just leave. Unfortunately, this has been my wonder and plight since I was younger. Sadly, there is no easy way out either…
I love the world and all its beauty. I love traveling and talking to people and seeing cute things and learning and experiencing love and passion and emotion. I love stories and adventures. I love kitties and family and friends. I love all the beauty of the earth in physical and celestial form… yet, I feel so unwelcome here. I feel as though I would be welcome if I conformed to rules and standards. I feel I would be welcome if I held back part (or most) of who I am to “fit in” with what is acceptable. Yet, I feel that those things would damper my beauty and my reality. They would limit my freedom. They would create a wall around me that is “safe” and keeps people comfortable now that I am in a box. That’s not the world I want to live in. That’s not very welcoming at all. Maybe I don’t belong here, not in this life.
If it were just a recent feeling, I would write it off as an emotion that will pass. No, this has been a very painful underlying theme in my life. It’s the very reason I tried many times to take myself out, only to realize the pain I would cause others if I did so – especially my kids.
I sometimes believe that I am welcomed and can be a part of this world, but then I am always reminded of who I am and that I do not fit in here. I know I am not the only one on this planet that feels this way. That’s why subculture groups are started. Still, I don’t really fit in with any of them either. Where do I belong?
Why is fitting in so important anyhow? I guess, for me, it allows you to feel appreciated, respected, and most of all… loved. Without fitting in, these things don’t seem possible… yet, those are the reasons I am alive. You’d think I’d conform just to achieve those things if they were that important to me. I guess being “me” constantly wins out. Yet, I don’t want to be me if I am going to be sad and lonely. I am so lost.
Even those who know you best and love you the most still will find issue with you if you don’t fit in. It’s rare to find someone in this world who accepts and loves you for who you are. Most people, instead of working with you and your uniqueness, they find reason to want you to change or conform to them and their ways of thinking / feeling.
This is not what I want. This is not something I think I can handle for much longer. I am not sure what to do now. I am stuck here, on this planet, surrounded by a world who doesn’t want ME (when I say “me” I mean ALL of me). That’s why I blog.. in a public place, reaching out…hoping someone somewhere will say to me, “I get you. I love you. I am proud of who you are. Keep it real!”
PS. Regarding John, if I have said anything that would make you feel differently about him, I apologize. I want all of you to love him and be his friend. I want all of you to know that even though I am upset with him for ending things the way he did and not giving me the help and support I needed, I do not believe that he is a bad person. He fucked up, yes. He gave up on something beautiful and something that had amazing potential, but he is still an incredible person. He has a lot of learning to do and experiences to gain in relationships and in his own world, and I do honestly wish him the best. I hope he learned from our relationship something that will make his next relationship worth fighting for. I believe he can. I would not have spent almost 3 years of my life with him if I didn’t think he was an amazing person. I want each of you to know that I love him still, even though I sometimes wish I didn’t. I want you all to love him as well. I don’t want you to take sides. We are both hurting, and we are both very sad about the tragedy that unfolded between the beautiful life we had together. Thank you.
I’m not in a good place right now, to be honest. I’m feeling guilty for being open about my feelings and heartbreak. I’m not feeling loved or supported right now, and I think this is a very limited view; but, it is one that is consuming me at the moment.
Regardless, I did have a good weekend. On Friday, I played Risk with Josh, Jul, Emmett, & Matt. Emmett started out weak, but took over with fierce calmness and strategy. I held my own for quite some time, and I was proud of my first game!
Saturday – woke up early and Gigi & I drove to Palmdale to go cherry picking. We got some good pix and hung out with some great people! On the way back, we all stopped at the Vasquez rocks for a bit.
Once home, I relaxed for a bit and pet the kitties. In the evening, Gigi & I went to Koji’s for dinner. Bobby, Laury, Mike D, & Violet met us there. We hung out at the bar, had some drinks, and talked. Gigi & Mike D went home before karaoke. Jay joined us and Nick was working. It was fun.. sang lots of stuff and had a great time. Didn’t get home til after 2am, and then stayed up til 2:30am because I was still pretty wired.
Sunday – got up at 8am, went to downtown to meet up with some photographers to photograph the Fashion District and some old architecture. We had amazing light in the morning too! We got some fun shots, and I hope to get some edited soon. We walked around for a few hours, then had lunch at Cliftons. After lunch, we did a little more shooting, then headed back to the cars to go home.
Once home, I passed out for an hour, then woke up in a real low. I’m still trying to come out of it. Sandy sat on my lap to cheer me up, and she cleaned Aurora. It is so cute to watch them! I love the kitties so much!
Tonight, I’m going to meet up with a potential client, then I’m going to head up to the Palace for a movie. I plan to go to sleep by midnight tonight! I need more rest. Tomorrow is work and therapy.
Long post – ye be warned! 
================
I have been busy non-stop since John left me. I’ve gotta say, “I’m freakin’ exhausted!” I spent the first few weeks crying and not sleeping enough. I’m doing much better these days, however; yet, my mind still finds time to think about the sad tragedy that became of John & I.
As of right now, I do not miss John; and, I do not want him back in my life – especially since I feel like the John I knew and loved doesn’t exist anymore. I believe that it’s possible he never even existed in the first place, but that tricked me into thinking he was someone he was not…. all because he was lying to himself about what he wanted and what he was capable of. Well, he certainly was NOT capable of love. I thought he was, but I believed in him more than he believed in himself – otherwise, I don’t think he could have told me he loved me without actually meaning it…. which is what he did, for far far too long!
The love I’m speaking of is a love that is shared by two people who choose to be together and are deeply attracted to one another. This is not the love of friendship or family. This is much much more! This love is something magical, something amazing, and something that you give of yourself so completely that the whole world is more beautiful because of it! Love is so fulfilling and intense, that you would never want to stop giving or receiving it – that is, if you really have it to give and receive! Love is simple – in the most Buddhist sense. It is pure, ideal, perfect, and is void of judgment and reasoning. It is the most special and beautiful gift you can give and receive; but, love is unique.
I believe John thought he loved me, but he never really loved me. You can’t truly love someone and decide that they are not worth your energy and efforts. You can’t love someone and deceive them. You can’t love someone and lie to them and make them believe you care about them more than you do. You can’t love someone and treat them so harshly and cruel. You can’t love someone if you are too selfish and insecure to see that they really do love and want you back! You can’t love someone if you are so selfish that you don’t notice the person you love actually needs your help and your love and support. If you love someone, you will never give up on them… you’ll go to the ends of the earth for them to try to make things right and wonderful in their life and your life together. If you love someone, you don’t forget spoken or unspoken promises to be honest, caring, compassionate, giving, dedicated, selfless, proactive, considerate, and kind to them.
That being said, I completely believe he never loved me. That is what makes me sad… knowing this. I feel tricked, fooled and taken for granted. I feel like he liked me enough to feel some form of loving emotions. I feel like he was comfortable enough to live with me and travel with me. I feel like he loved the kitties, and liked that I was a cat person. I feel like he liked me enough to let me help him when he needed help financially and emotionally. I feel like he liked me enough to spend most of his free time with me. Yet, I don’t feel like he ever took the time to really “know” me. He judged me, misjudged me, and believed that I was someone who could claim to love him but not want him. That really upsets and disgusts me… that judgment was so harsh and so wrong; and, that’s the judgment he made that caused him to eventually leave me.
If he loved me, he would NOT have judged me. He would have talked to me with loving intention. He would have shown compassion and assumed not that I didn’t want him, but that I was going through something or had a problem that he could have tried to help me with. He would have worked with me to get to the core of what was going on with me physically and emotionally. He would have talked to me, deeply, with the intent to help me and figure out what the true issue really was. He would have known that something wasn’t right, and that maybe therapy or something more needed to be done to help me. He would have done everything (and then some) to find out what the root of the problem was, and then worked with me to resolve it. That’s what I would have done for him. That’s what I did for him when he was out of work and depressed. That’s what I did for him when he was going through emotional distress regarding issues with some of the people in his life. I would have helped him forever… because I truly, deeply loved him.
I have finally come to a point where I no longer love him. I pity him and feel great disappointment in him. I feel bad that he never got a chance to know what true, deep love really is with me (since you not only have to receive it, but have to give it). I feel bad that he was so selfish, immature, insecure, and inconsiderate that it caused him not only to lose me and all of the amazing love and fun I am capable of, but he lost his home, his kitties, his incredible adventure/travel partner, his exciting future with me as his partner; and, most of all, he lost my respect, my trust, my special smile (that I gave to him and only him), my love, and my friendship.
When I know what is causing a problem, I work to resolve it. I am someone who always believes in bettering myself and making every effort to grow and learn from my mistakes. I am someone who will do everything it takes to be a wonderful partner. I am honest, caring, loving, loyal, friendly, helpful, and compassionate. I am also deeply passionate and fun; but, these two aspects can become buried by depression and hormone issues (which are affected also by depression). Depression has been something I’ve been dealing with on a very deep and harsh level since about June 2007 (when I was transferred to a terrible position at Disney, doing a job I hated and underwhelming). Though I had bouts of extreme happiness, especially in regard to my relationship, cats, and travels, my depression was attacking my serotonin levels, my mood, and my ability to initiate fun. I was unaware of this, and I wish I had a partner who loved me enough to help me figure this out. No, instead, I had a partner who gave up on me and abandoned me.
Though I feel extremely upset, sad, and regretful that he felt so unwanted (physically), I cannot take blame for that especially since I honestly did want him. I wanted him more than I’ve ever wanted anyone – more than the lovers I see in movies want each other, more than the singers of love songs feel when they sing about passion. The fact that he didn’t feel how much I wanted him was caused by forces outside of my intention. They were circumstantial and completely resolvable.
It’s sad because John chose to feel unwanted, and chose to believe that I being untrue in what I was telling him (which makes me sad, especially since I am so honest and direct). All he had to do was push and prod and figure out what was really wrong with me. That’s what people in love do. They challenge each other and delve and help one another. I did want him. I felt extreme passion for him beyond words. I did want to be with him, all the time too! My problem was not trouble enjoying sex or wanting John. My problem was depression and its side effects: lower than average serotonin and hormone levels creating an inability to initiate and ask for what I really wanted – him! Again, completely resolvable issues!
This is what bothers me and keeps me awake at night… the fact that we had it all – compatibility, friendship, kitties, friends, adventures, hope, similar tastes in music and enjoyment, artistic dreams and ambitions, the love of crystals and energy healing, and deep attraction to one another! Being that my depression and hormone issues were only temporary, we really could have had it all, and it would have been better than any movie or song! That’s what makes me sad… we were so close. I just needed help, love and support through this hard time, and the rest of our lives would have been passionate and full of bliss!
Anyhow, it’s not John I miss… it’s the image of John that I had created that I miss. It’s the love I thought I had that I miss. It’s the beautiful future I envisioned for us that I miss and long for. It’s the truth I thought I was promised that I yearn for. It’s the years of my life that I gave to him that I miss. It seems ridiculous to miss things that never existed and that never happened; yet, somehow, I do. I hope it will end soon… missing the beautiful phantom boyfriend I created. I hope I find a real one one day!
Tags: love
Tears for Fears – Everybody Wants to Rule the World <– Click to DL
Welcome to your life
There’s no turning back
Even while we sleep
We will find you
Acting on your best behavior
Turn your back on mother nature
Everybody wants to rule the world
Its my own design
Its my own remorse
Help me to decide
Help me make the most
Of freedom and of pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
Everybody wants to rule the world
There’s a room where the light wont find you
Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down
When they do I’ll be right behind you
So glad we’ve almost made it
So sad they had to fade it
Everybody wants to rule the world
I cant stand this indecision
Married with a lack of vision
Everybody wants to rule the world
Say that you’ll never never never never need it
One headline, why believe it?
Everybody wants to rule the world
All for freedom and for pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
Everybody wants to rule the world
Tags: tears for fears
I feel real today. I feel the blood running in my veins. I feel the organs inside my rib cage. I feel the sensations of my skin. I feel. I feel.
For quite some time now, I’ve been numb. I’ve been avoiding feeling as much as possible, because every feeling was deeply painful. Not tonight… tonight, I feel alive.
I went to a meditation tonight in Burbank, and it was incredible. I was the only one who showed up, and I almost talked myself out of going. Megan helped talk me into going, and I am so glad she did!
Robert Willhite C.Ht., the man who guided the meditation is someone I have actually met before, on a photo meet-up! I had no idea he was a healer. Not only that, he spent 25 years in IT and Project Management. He’s now trying to grow his own business as a therapist and healer, and we are going through the same struggles with that. He is a practicing Buddhist, and shared lots of insight with me. He reminds me a lot of my mom in that way.
The meditation was in a few parts. We focused on being one with our minds, body and spirit. We focused on intentionally feeling and controlling emotion. We focused on breathing and opening up chakras. We focused on finding the root of emotional pain in order to help lessen the physical pain attached. It was very helpful.
During one of the meditation sessions, I actually found myself in a regression. I was about 4 or 5 years old, standing in my backyard (a field of soft, golden tall grass). I only could see the back of me. I was in an old polka dotted dress, had blond curly hair down past my shoulders by an inch. Though I couldn’t see my face, I was biting my nails or had the back of my finger in my teeth or something. There was a train track that ran through my yard. I was standing about 15 feet from the track, and was watching a train that just went by. It was gone by the time I entered this vision, but I could still hear the horn. I was listening to it fade into the distance, and I kept looking in the direction the train had gone… knowing I couldn’t see it, but it helped me to hear it. I was in a small trance from the sound. It was amazingly relaxing! If I were to guess, I’d say it was the 1940s or 1950s. I couldn’t see my mom, but I knew she looked a lot like Dolores (from Who Framed Roger Rabbit)… same clothing and hair style.
If I’m right, this must be the same life that I died in San Francisco of a drug overdose as a hippy in the Free Love movement. I know I died in the early 1970s, which means I had a pretty quick turn around between lives; but, I guess that happens sometimes. This wasn’t part of my vision at all tonight. This was a life I remembered from a vision many years ago. I think the two MUST be connected… the timeframe seems to work out pretty well.
Anyhow, when I came out of that vision of me as a child, I didn’t tell Robert anything about it. Instead, we chatted. We talked about simplicity in love and emotion. Wow, he didn’t even know it, but he tapped into something I’ve been thinking about for days… simplicity, and how pure and beautiful it is. I have always related to my inner child. I have always been honest, pure, simple, direct, logical, and curious. That is the Alice within me. This conversation took me full circle. We talked about how those who have simple, child-like emotions and openness tend to be those who are on a very connected spiritual path.
I appear to wander away from my spiritual studies when I think I “know myself” well enough; however, the truth is, I am always a student of my life (spiritual, mental, and emotional). Even when I am not reading or talking about the meaning of my life or who I am, I am still living and breathing the life I set out to live. I am so well connected with my spiritual guides and deeper self that I tend to not make a big deal of it. When I need help or to focus on something personal or spiritual, I just do it… without issue or verbal discussion. It’s something I know so well that I don’t need to “figure it out” the way that some people expect me to have to.
Anyhow, it was great to talk to someone else about simplicity and pure, unlimited love and trust. After that, we did a meditation where I was brought to a place where I could feel myself breathe, feel my blood flowing, and this is what is sticking with me the most. I am feeling my life, and I recognize how beautiful and fragile it is. When I came out of that meditation segment, Robert asked me to sit up and open my eyes. The moment I did, I noticed the most beautiful pink rose I had ever seen. It was sitting on the alter behind Robert, yet, he never once blocked it. I have no clue why I didn’t see it before that moment… over 1.5 hours into our session. I kept staring at it. It was alive, even though cut off from it’s roots. It was surviving beautifully; and, though cut at the stem, it thrived on the energy of the world and life around it. It was part of us, part of a moment in time, and continuing to be. It made me very happy.
Robert told me that rose belongs to me, and that I must take it with me. I was so grateful. I haven’t been given a rose in a really really long time, and I had never seen a rose this beautiful before! It is the most perfect thing I have ever seen. I don’t even think a photo will do it justice, but I will take one tomorrow when it is still light out.
So, now, I am home and relaxing with the kitties. I am fully aware that I am not too far from the end of my emotional roller coaster ride. The drops are always harsh on powerful coasters, but you can’t get off the ride part way through… you must finish the ride. I’m not too far from the end now; and though there are more drops ahead, I know it will soon be over and I expect that the drops won’t be as steep as they’ve been. This won’t be the last coaster I’ll ever ride, but I think it will be a long time before I’ll have to ride one like this again.
The truth is, life isn’t easy. Relationships are not easy. Communication is not easy. Being human and a biological being isn’t easy. Having emotions isn’t easy. Still, life and love is worth the fight! I fall down a lot, and I get bruised up really freakin’ bad; but, I will never give up the fight!
Tags: alive, emotion, flower, life, love, meditation, regression, roller coaster, rose, simplicity
I am on a quest for knowledge… to find out who I am and why I do the things I do (or don’t do the things I don’t do). I feel like Leela (Futurama) on a quest to find her own people… when she finally meets them, she goes through a bunch of emotion, and ends up so happy that she finally understands who she is and where she came from! She doesn’t use her genetics as a crutch, but as a unique marker that helps define her as a unique and amazing person! She’s still a smokin’ hot space ship captain, and she still has bouts of loneliness and bitterness, but she’s mostly a confident, strong, and amazing individual… and everyone loves her!
I relate to Leela a lot in this way. I am confident, optimistic, strong, well-liked, and pretty great to spend time with; and, like her, I have a very different upbringing than I could have… considering what I now know about myself. I turned out really well. I worked very hard to be as “normal” as I could be, and I struggled to keep up with people around me that I liked and wanted to travel through life with. It wasn’t easy, but I came out pretty well. I’m social, I’m friendly, I’m confident, and I’m able to be a great speaker and teacher!
Why do I label myself then… well, picture a box of amazing looking brownies. These are the best brownies ever, but in order to enjoy them, you have to follow the directions. If the box didn’t have directions, you could totally screw up the recipe and end up with a sub-par treat. If the box has clear instructions, you could end up with the most incredible treat ever!!!! It’s pretty simple when you know what you are doing!
I am okay with labels, because they tell you what’s in the box and how to handle / create the best from it! I am in the process of learning what’s in my box; and once I do, I will be writing the instructions that will give a close friend or future partner the best chance at having the most amazing relationship ever with me! I’m only looking at the positives here, and I think that’s a good thing.
Tags: learning, self-discovery
Apoptygma Berzerk – Paranoia <– DL Here
Chew The Pill That Taste Like Hell
But Gives You Strength
Embrace The Drug That Makes You Mad
Cause Still It Turns You Into Something Else
Feel The Need For Love Grows Stronger
Swap Your Mind For A Mirror Search
And Shake Until The Break Of Day
One Day You’ll Realize That You Were Wrong
And You’ll Regret That All This Happened
Did It Happen
Some Day You’ll Realize That You Were Wrong
Left With Paranoia
As Your Only Friend
Your Mind Is Full Of Enemies
The Room Is Full Of Energies
That Want To Take Control
They’re All Around You And You’re All Alone
Your Mind Is Full Of Enemies
The Room Is Full Of Energies
Haunting Your Soul
They’re All Around You
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When you lose the ability to trust the people closest to you, you start to feel a bit paranoid… because it’s hard to know who you actually can or should trust. I am a very trusting person, normally; but, I am having a really tough time trying to make sense of how I could trust one person so much – share all of my life and vulnerabilities with them, and then have that trust completely betrayed.
I am paranoid of the world around me. I am still giving myself to the world completely, but I do not trust it to protect me and take good care of me. I feel more lonely than ever before; yet, I am not really scared. I’m just having trouble trusting.
I’ve never been so hurt or let down in my life as I was on May 6th. The world, as I knew it, collapsed; and, while picking up the pieces, I have begun to realize that I have lost faith in my ability to be intuitive and use good judgment. It’s like I don’t even know myself right now, and I don’t trust myself to make healthy decisions about who I share my life with. This is unnerving, to say the least.
Right now, I am swimming with regret. I want my years back. I want my faith in humanity back. I want my intuition back. I want my energy back. I want my simple, child-like enjoyment of life back. I can’t have my time back, but I hope to have my real smile back soon. I’m not feeling like myself these days. I’m more aware of myself than ever before, and I am actually feeling more bitter than happy. This is not a pretty picture. I am still the optimist, but I am also rolling on the winds of caution (a new place for me – a place I’m not entirely comfortable with). We’ll see how long I stay here…
